feeling overwhelmed! any advice?

[EStephens]

I am brand spankin new to the site so please forgive me if I do something wrong.
A little about our craziness, my husband is an IEF/OEF veteran with lots of "fun ness" going on, a 10 year old gfg with ADHD and Asperger's syndrome, a 7 y/o and a 3 y/o.
We are still relatively new to the diagnosis of Asperger's and we have very little support. In fact the majority of our family has chosen to ignore the diagnosis and pretend it is not there.

All that being said, does anyone ever just wanna pull your hair out and scream at God that you can't possibly do this anymore?
Thanks

[TeDo]

You made it over here. Great. Can you tell me what IEF/OEF means? That's one I've never heard. Do the other kids have any issues? What kinds of things/behaviors are you dealing with that are so frustrating? Is the 10 year old on any medication?

[EStephens]

Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom. (Afghanistan and Iraq wars.) Is what IOF/EOF stand for.
The other kiddos have no diagnosed issues and are coping pretty well as their momma seems to lose her mind. They are loud, obnoxious troublemakers, like their momma.
My big kid, my gfg seems to be getting worse in his attitude since the diagnosis. He won't follow instructions and seems to have no respect for other people's things. Tonight he broke little kids porcelain bike she worked so hard on painting. When questioned he said he didn't break it, only pushed too hard and the thing exploded. He refused to apologize and go to bed. So that was a whole huge meltdown of tears and screaming. I don't understand how his brain works and it seems to be to my demise. I feel like I am losing the battle and the war!

[TeDo]

Thank you for clearing that up for me.

Now as for your oldest, before you start blaming him for doing things intentionally, keep in mind that Aspie's (anyone on the spectrum really) think VERY differently than most of us do. That is one of the hardest lessons I have learned. You need to keep an open mind. when he says he didn't "break" it but that he pushed to hard and it exploded, he's more than likely telling you the truth. He's trying to tell you it was an accident. That is exactly the kinds of things that caused many school suspensions and severe depression. He was being accused of being intentionally disrespectful, defiant, and oppositional when it was really that he was misreading cues, acting immature, and lots of other things that were NOT intentional.

A wonderful book that got me turned around was what most here recommended called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. By using his methods, I realized how VERY differently my kids think. I learned that for my kids to be successful, I needed to understand their thought processes and teach them alternatives. PLEASE read the book and very calmly implement his methods. I think you will be amazed and things will turn around. Our kids are not "naughty kids". They really, REALLY don't know any better and need to be taught things that most kids learn on their own over time from observing and participating. ASD kids don't.

Please stick around. There IS hope. I'm living proof of it even though my journey is far from over. I'm just very content that I am FINALLY on the right path. You need to find that path yet and the book will help tremendously.

Others will be around tomorrow to offer more insight. Nights are kinda slow around here.

[EStephens]

Well thank you again dear! I will see if I can find that book. And thanks for not being judgmental about it.

[MidwestMom]

I agree that you can't expect an Aspie to think like we do. They require a very special type of parenting. You can not parent an Aspie like you parent a "typical" kid. All rules go out the window. Have you educated yourself on the disorder? If not, you really should. There are a lot of good books out about Aspergers. The more you read, the more you will understand. Also, maybe counseling for you and him with somebody who understands Aspergers (this is mandatory, not all therapists do) would probably really help you understand him and it may help him understand himself.

Welcome to the board

[EStephens]

I am attempting to educate myself with the disorder. I am reading just about anything I can get my hands on. (I am not sure I will ever understand it all. ) My son has the typical can't look people in the eyes, doesn't like changing clothes, stems in awkward or happy situations, and he is a friggin genius. Our tiny little town has no resources for Asperger's but he in counseling. ( the counselor swore she has experience with ASD,but I am not reassured at all!). I truly am trying to do the best I can by big kid, I just seem to be screwing up more then anything.
My mother and sisters are not a source of reassurance, they will not accept anything about his disorder and the last time he stayed with them, his punishment for hiding was for everyone in the house to put their hands on his shoulders while he was held in a chair. ( He still shudders when we talk about how that wasn't right.) My mother in law keeps telling me that I am not raising him right because he is manipulative, dishonest, and a bully to middle kid. I just wanna scream!!! I just feel like no one is on Team Big Kid.

[TeDo]

I have a family that is just like that. I have as little contact with them as possible which is sad because that is all I had. Now it is just my kids and I.....and this board of course. I also sympathize with the lack of services and resources. We don't have any either. It is really sad that rural areas are so underserved. Our pdoc is over an hour away and there is no tdoc at all that knows much of anything about ASD. They all want to do typical behavior modification which does NOT work with Aspie's. If you don't think the tdoc is helping, you'd be better off stopping before any harm is done. No point throwing good money after bad for something that doesn't work.

[HMBgal]

Well thank you again dear! I will see if I can find that book. And thanks for not being judgmental about it.

One thing that you'll NEVER get around here is anyone being judgmental--it's one of the things that makes this board so special to me. And I second the Explosive Child book (it really saved our grandson) and another site to check out is Michelle Garcia Winner. She's a speech therapist and really has great simple ways to help learn social skills in fun ways.

Hang tough, momma!

[Allan-Matlem]

I second Ross Greene - see http://livesinthebalance.org , also Michelle Garcia Winner and the RDI - relationship development intervention approach http://www.rdiconnect.com/pages/home.aspx

Allan Katz-parentingislearning