Frustrated!!!

[wife of taxman]

I am new here, so be gentle. My son is 11 and has ADD. He is medicated. We don't take vacations from his med because his behavior goes to pot when we do. I am generally an organized person that does not procrastinate AT ALL!! His procrastination, defiance, and excuses are driving me CRAZY!! I jsut ask that he read for 30 minutes a day. I have told him to do it in the morning. I go to work, I have a sitter for him and his 2 siblings. Tonight, I asked him to read for his 30 minutes (most of which he watches the clock). He asked if he could read for 12 minutes. When I told him that his desk chair should be cleaned off he gave me an excuse about the clothes on it. Maybe I am PMSing or something but this is really bugging me. I finally called the EAP at work to have my son come in and talk to someone, I probably could use it too, I am sooo frustrated. I try to help him develop some compensation but he isn't able to stick with them. My husband has ADD too and has the same problems. He is also medicated. I had to let go of any control that I thought I had for his issues. I don't know how to do that when it is my son. I read your postings and know that I am headed down some of the same roads and I don't want to go there. I want to avoid those roads. Frankly, I want to FIX him. My two other children are in advanced classes getting a's and b's. I know it must be difficult for him to be sandwiched between these other two kids but who is going to acknowledge my difficulty and frustration. I swear, I want to ring his neck!!!

[Dammit Janet]

Hi there!

Yes, I well remember those days with the frustrating ADDer in the house. I swear my kid couldnt sit still or stop talking if you paid him! He also wasnt a great student but he managed to do ok.

Every kid is unique and they all have their own strengths. Does your son like to do anything that really captures his interest? For mine it was outside activities. He was into sports and hunting and fishing. He ended up running long distances to help him cope with being ADHD.

Try to find something that is special to him. Mine was never a reader and I doubt he ever will be. In fact, that is why he didnt make SGT in the Marines because he didnt read the darn required books! Dummy. Oh well, he is a lovable goof anyway.

These kids can make it. They just need to be channeled correctly. Help him find his strengths and interests and goals.

[guest3]

my GFG I is severe ADD no more H now that he's older, which makes it worse in my opinion. He has never been a reader and I have accepted that he probably never will be and he really can not help it, he just can't hold that focus. So I have compromised by buying him audio books, which he likes and the info is still going into the noggin respectively. GFG I has had a horrible time in school for the past 5 years, and he's failed this year as a freshman, sadly. With GFG II being so unstable lately, it has been hard to keep riding GFG I. But at 16 he's learning from his actions whether he likes it or not. Votech is lined up for next year, the hands on learning is just the best fit for him. I understand your frustration. But whether it be ADD or a Mood disorder, it truly helps to pick your battles. This is where d/h and I often disagree, sadly.... welcome to the boards they are my sanctuary these days

[wife of taxman]

That's part of my frustration, there doesn't seem to be passion for anything. He just wants to play. Life doesn't happen with play time. When you ask if he understands why I am angry his response is usually "I dunno". I am not clear as to whether this is just adolescence or the ADD. My older son isn't near as difficult.

[wife of taxman]

Why do you think it's worse without the H? My son doesn't really have the H either. His indifference bugs the he** out of me.

[LittleDudesMom]

Wife,

welcome to the board. I to have an 11-year old with adhd. I am a very neat and organized person. Everything has it place and purpose and I like to control!!!! Probably the worse type of person to have a kid with adhd!

One thing you have to accept is that noone can fix him. Your son is who he is and that is that. He can be helped by meds, he could be helped by therapy, but he is who he is. He may not get the same high grades as his sibs, but he has special gifts and talents that will show themselves.

I do understand your frustration. Our kids challenge us at every turn - I call it the "edge of the seat syndrome". Never feeling your can relax, especially in public!

Some of the things you describe in your son are classic add stuff and others are classic adolescense. I know that you know that no two kids are the same, you cant' compare your older son to your younger son. Your older son may not have the issues to deal with that your son has.

You know, it might be a good idea to read the Explosive Child by Ross Greene. While it appears your son does not rage and have high frustration issues, the book is great for helping us see that our children are wired differently.

We have to understand that they are dealing with issues that we are not. It's not as easy as them wanting something and us dangling a carrot in front of them to accomplish the task. They loose site of the carrot.

I'm glad you have found your way here.

Sharon

[Steely]

Welcome.....

I would definitely read the book LildudesMom suggested, The Explosive Child. It will give you a wonderful insight into how to deal with kids that operate in the world a bit differently, and it will give you tools on how to be more patient and relaxed in your situation. Many of us have read it on this board, and found it to be a life changing book.

Good Luck

[Sheila]

It’s hard not to take our ADHD kids’ behavior personally, but it’s not personal.

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">He just wants to play. </div></div>

If you’re not familiar w/the “2/3rds rule,” it’s helpful knowledge in understanding behavior. It’s pretty typical for an ADHDer to operate at 2/3rd’s their chronological age maturity and emotional-wise. ADHD doesn’t affect intelligence, but if your 11 year old seems to be acting like a 7 yr old, it’s likely the best he can do.

I try to work around these type problems the best I can. 30 minutes may seem like a life-time for your son. Try breaking the reading session down into 5 – 10 minute increments. (My son hates to read because it’s difficult for him, so even this is a stretch for him.)

A good ADHD resource on-line is http://www.schwablearning.org/pdfs/2...?date=11-14-00 by Dr. Russell Barkley.

Another is a free ADHD on-line book at http://www.pediatricneurology.com/adhd.htm . The Executive Functions discussed ties into the 2/3rd’s rule.

Understanding emotions…. Definitely a difficult problem here…. My son still has problems identifying feelings and reading body language.

Welcome aboard. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/smile.gif[/img]

[Crazy-Steph]

I understand where you are coming from. My son has no motivation to do anything. His indifference is also very very frustrating.

I did not know about the "2/3rd's" rule. Very interesting. I will also check out the 2nd website you posted.

janav72, the audio books are a great idea! In our case though, I think it is more lack of imagination. He can't "picture" things, does that make sense? For example, with legos, he can only build what is on the box; or when he wants to write songs for his guitar, they are songs that already exists, but he tries to claim them.

[busywend]

You have alot of good advice above. It really boils down to you having to modify your parenting techniques and sometimes your personality to parent this child. It will be different from your other kids. It will be much harder.

Welcome to the site!!