Help with autistic teen behavior!

[LadyM]

Hello everyone, I'm new here and glad I found you all!

I am a mom of a 14 year old highly functioning autistic boy. DH and I are at our wits end with him. I feel my patience is all but gone.

1. Destructive - He is quite destructive to our home. Most of it is unintentional (running in the house when he's not supposed to), and some of it is. He is reckless and doesn't think about what he's doing. If the back door is locked, he'll stand there yanking on it trying to get it to open and end up busting the storm door hydraulic. Essentially, since September, he has broken a toilet lid, toilet seat, knocked my laundry door off the tracks more than once, same for the pantry doors, and pushed one end of a towel rack through the wall, broke the hydraulic on the back door, screwed up the handle on the back door, and the list goes on. I want to strangle him!

Also, his father and I have to deal with disrespect and defiance from him. He'll call us names, insist that we WILL NOT do something he doesn't want us to do (as if he is in control), was caught several times trying to sneak his games, ipod, etc out of the house, argues over everything, doesn't do what he's told (i.e. will not bring his laundry down, go to bed without a fight, take care of his dogs, etc etc etc).

DH takes a lot more from him than I will until he finally blows up (which is usually about once a day). GFG and I argue all the time and it's driving DH nuts (me too for that matter). I've had it with working all day and coming home to a child that thinks he can tell me what I will and will not do.

To make things worse, a couple weeks ago when GFG and I were arguing about my right to curse in my own home, he punched me in the mouth. He never did that before and I didn't handle it well. If he ever does it again, I've told him I will call the police and send him to juv.

Don't get me wrong, GFG can also be very loving and gives me hugs and kisses and tells me how much he loves me. I just need some help in how I can '"deal" with him being a teen.

[DDD]

Welcome aboard. Sorry, but I only have a couple of minute to post tonight......it's been one of those days! Wanted you to know that I have read your post and I understand how stressful it is to cope with teens, and especially AS teens. BTDT!

DH and I raised an AS teen until his GFGmom "reclaimed" him. It took quite a while to get him functioning appropriately and the challenge is enough to make anybody toss and turn at night. Sending hugs. DDD

[Lothlorien]

Hi there Lady M!

Have you had therapy with him? Have you discussed his new aggressive behavior with his doctor? He's 14, so this may be his hormones kicking in.

My daughter is on Risperdone because of aggressive behaviors. She, at times, has displayed some Aspie type behaviors, but she's not Aspie (adding to the confusion with our docs and has taken a long time to get her properly dx'd, but I digress). About a year and a half ago, her aggression became very severe and her neuro suggested the Risperdal (generic=Risperdone). He said this was a med that they frequently give to Aspie kids with aggressive behaviors. Have you considered meds? Perhaps this is an option?

If you go to your "User Cp" in the upper left hand side, under the site's banner, you can access the edit signature feature. You can put a brief signature, including current meds (without names), you will find that you won't have to repeat the same info each time you post.

Again, welcome and Good Luck.

[MidwestMom]

Has he gotten interventions for his ASD? I have a sixteen year old with high functioning autism/Aspergers and he is really doing well, but he got tons of interventions most of his life...that really makes a big difference. These kids are wired differently and can get extremely frustrated.

Tell us a little bit more.

[JJJ]

Are you raising my son? That sounds so much like Eeyore! We are doing an updated mental health assessment and will be restarting therapy ASAP (we had stopped cause he was doing better but when those hormones kicked in - yikes!)

We have the same broken back door!

Once I get some ideas from the tdoc I will share! Have you read Explosive Child by Ross Greene?

[LadyM]

He does see a psychiatrist and a neurologist and has been on medication (including resp) for quite some time.

No, I haven't read the xplosive child yet, although I've been considering it (and the back door thing is hilarious)!

I guess I could just use some sound, practical advice on how to respond to him when he becomes disrespectful and tries to tell me what I'm going to do. I don't want to be in a constant state of arguement with my son.

What has worked with you guys in changing this mindset? As well as changing bad habbits like not bringing his laundry down, making messes, breaking things, and so on.

[JJJ]

I guess I could just use some sound, practical advice on how to respond to him when he becomes disrespectful and tries to tell me what I'm going to do. I don't want to be in a constant state of arguement with my son.

When he was calm I explained to my son that he was to speak to me with respect. Now when he gets disrespectful and bossy, I just stare at him silently. Eventually, he will stop and either rephrase his words or take a self-timeout in his room. If he continues, then I will state that he must speak with respect and announce a punishment. Then I am silent again.

I found keeping silent in the face of his noise to be key. I forget where I read it but it was a "low emotional environment" v a "high emotional environment". I am very much a HEE-type of person and it is hard to give a LEE response but it works much better.

[LadyM]

When he was calm I explained to my son that he was to speak to me with respect. Now when he gets disrespectful and bossy, I just stare at him silently. Eventually, he will stop and either rephrase his words or take a self-timeout in his room. If he continues, then I will state that he must speak with respect and announce a punishment. Then I am silent again.

I found keeping silent in the face of his noise to be key. I forget where I read it but it was a "low emotional environment" v a "high emotional environment". I am very much a HEE-type of person and it is hard to give a LEE response but it works much better.

Thanks, that is excellent advice. I am like you, a HEE person. When he challenges me the first thing that runs through my mind is how dare he think he has the right to say those kind of things to me, who does he think he is, and thus my response is to launch into a yell fest mostly along the lines of "I'm the mom, you're the child, straighten up or you'll be in trouble". When he hit me, we were having a huge argument (admittedly over something that wasn't worth the outcome). I don't know why I feel the need to give his arguments that kind of validity. I know I'm going to do what I want and there is nothing he is going to do to stop it. I just went in there while he was calm (right before reading your post) and hugged him and told him that even though we argue, I wanted him to know I love him.

I'm going to try your technique though. I"m going to sit him down at a calm moment and explain to him that when he speaks to me, he needs to do so with respect. When he launches into one of his fits, I'll try the calm treatment. It will probably blow his mind

[Marguerite]

We've had to totally re-think discipline in our family. The this is - discipline is something we each learn when we are children. We then apply what worked on us, to our own families. Often what was used on us worked well and was appropriate.

BUT - kids with various problems don't respond the normal way because their brains work a different way. They learn a different way. Therefore the usual methods just don't fit and can actually make the problems worse.

You need to be able to get into your son's head and see the world as he does. With autism, social skills are a big problem. Much of how your son learns social skills will be by imitation. Even if you feel he is disrespectful to you and your husband, your son is actually modelling his behaviour on yours.

Now look at your behaviour to him. If you're anything like a lot of parents, you see yourself as being on a higher rung than your son, when it comes to status in the family. You are the mum, he is the kid. You've probably said this to him, often.
But the trick with these kids - it's not what you tell them, it's what they observe. They learn by observation and imitation. How often have you heard your own words come back at you from him? I first heard this with PC2/GFG2, when she was about 3 years old. I had poured a cup of water instead of the juice she had asked for because I had a rule that the kids had to have water for very second drink. So she stood there, hands on hips and said firmly, "I told you, I wanted JUICE! Why won't you pay attention to me?"

So if you use your position of superiority to command respect from your autistic child, not only will it be less likely to work, but it has a good chance of backfiring badly. Your child will dish out to you, exactly the same phrases, words and attitude you dish out to him. Exactly.

We say we want equality in this world, but when it smacks you in the face (literally, in your case) we find it is not so palatable. The truth is, we are not all equal. But this is a very sophisticated social concept that is beyond even a highly intelligent HFA kid.

When they are adults it won't matter so much. An attitude like this form an adult slips below the radar. But when they are kids, it's just plain wrong.

We made a decision in our family, to stop trying to enforce the "Because I said so" approach, it was going to be just too much hard work, when it is only a problem while he's a kid. Instead, we brought in the "flatmate" approach. Try to imagine an old friend of yours, or maybe a cousin, has moved in for a while. This person isn't necessarily your best friend but also is not your worst enemy. This person is also not as worldly wise as you, doesn't know your household routine and needs to be supported a bit. Something like an overseas exchange student, perhaps.

Now think about how you all shuffle around and sort out the house rules, meals, responsibilities etc. If this person was a house guest, you'd probably be fussing around them for the time they were staying. But I'm talking about a longer-term arrangement, there's going to be some adjustments needed on both sides.

You need to approach an ASD teen in this same way. Just as you might either bite your tongue initially with a new house resident when you find a soggy towel on the bathroom floor, do the same here. What you would eventually do, regarding the soggy towel on the bathroom floor, is call them in and say, "I note that you left your towel on the floor here. Can you please try to avoid doing that, because it makes it untidy for the rest of us that use the bathroom. Also, and this is important for you, if your towel is left on the floor then it will get walked all over and made soggier by everyone else, so when you next go to use it you will find your towel very unpleasant to use. I don't want tat for you, so how about you use this hook here for your towel? We can make sure this hook is always left available for you. Is that OK?"

You spell out the advantages TO THIS PERSON of following the house rule and you make it clear what the accommodation is, for their use. This person has a place in the household, and you have just defined it. Also there may be times when this person wants to do something for you, or understand a better way to belong. You will constantly need to keep in touch with how this person feels and how to help them feel they have their own niche in the household. Make it work for you, help them fit in with the already-existing house rules. Some house rules may need to be modified, plus this person may bring some skills or other interesting aspects to the household, so involve them in discussions over house rules.

Another example of a good house rule for flatmates - you let one another know when you are going out, where you are going and when you will be back. Each person does this, whether they be child or parent. It is a good habit to get into anyway, because all of this I am suggesting, your child will need when they leave home. Whether they leave home to go to college, or to get married, or simply to live away from home - chances are at some stage, your child will need to live with others for a while and will therefore benefit from the same sort of social rules.

So, back to letting people know of your movements - this rule applies to EVERYBODY. Parents set the example, "Johnny, I'm just popping out to the corner store, I need to get milk. Is there anything else you think we need? I'll be back in about ten minutes."
Johnny might just shrug and say nothing, but that's OK. You have just set an example. When you get back, announce that you're back.
Then require the same from him. THAT is the key. How can he refuse, when it's what you do? It is no longer a case of adults checking up on the kids, it has now become house mates keeping one another in the loop as a matter of mutual respect.
This begins to work, when you are going out and he says, "While you're at the store, I think we need more bread, too." Or when he says, "I'm going out to visit Jake, I'll be passing by the store on my way back. Do you want me to pick up anything?"
Even if he doesn't make the offer, you can grab the chance to make the request (and hope, when it comes down to it, that he remembers to get it!).

The really important side to this - when each member of the household knows everyone else's movements, you can better coordinate things like meals. It's really important to know who is going to be home for dinner. If you said you would be home at 5 pm and you're running late, you call to let people know of the change in plans.

We did this yesterday - DH & I were out on our own, leaving GFG3 home alone. We rang him to let him know that we didn't expect to be home before about 8 pm. But at 8 pm we were visiting MIL in hospital, 40 minutes away from home. So we rang GFG3 and said to him, "OK son, it's now about 8.30 pm. We won't be home for dinner, you had better get yourself some dinner. There is fresh pasta in the freezer, how about you cook some of that for yourself? We will be home at about 9.30 pm."

If we hadn't told him, he may not have noticed. But if he did, he might have become more anxious and when we finally walked in we would then have been met with, "What time do you call this then, eh? It's very inconsiderate of you to not let me know, I was worried and about to call the police, You could have been run over by a bus!"

BTW, when we get that kind of language from him, we don't label it as insolence. It is simply imitation of our own style. And if we should have called him and we didn't - we apologise for not calling him. Then if he's not too worked up we suggest, "Son, we're OK. Sorry we didn't call; you are right, we should have. But you do need to remember, we are the adults here, you need to moderate your tone because although WE understand, someone who didn't and who overheard the way you just spoke to us, would think you are a rude, inconsiderate young man. And we know you're not that. We don't want people to think badly of you, that is why we tell you this."

Other things you do with someone else sharing the house - you show them how to use the washing machine. You get them to make their own bed, to change their own bed. You encourage them to take turns with the various chores such as cooking, washing, cleaning. You ALL pull your weight, often working side by side works best for someone with ASD. I find GFG3 has always got more done, more willingly, if he sees me beside him. So if I ask GFG3 to do chore A while I do chore B, it often won't work. But if I ask him to help me so together we do chore A and chore B, the same amount of work is done by both of us, but he is in better grace. He also learns more about how to do these chores.

Rewards work better than punishments, too. ANy punishments - try to use natural consequences rather than punishments. For example, if he doesn't come when called for dinner, then the natural consequences is - he eats alone and his food is cold. OK, he can always heat it up in the microwave. Don't stop him doing this because to him, a lot of punishments will seem more like revenge, or you imposing your will on him because you can. In these circumstances, your intended message won't get through. But if you keep it low-key and simply say, "I did call you for dinner. We have finished ours. But you can heat yours up and eat it. A pity you will be by yourself." But no more nagging about it. Just matter-of-fact.

Anyway, I think you get the idea. We have found that giving choices works for us; allowing the "other person" to have some input is also good. If this other person has a special request for a special recipe for dinner for example, then tell them that of course they can have what they want, but it has to come under budget, they have to help plan for it, shop for it, budget for it and prepare it. But of course you will help. No change is impossible, but it must take everyone else's needs into account. If your budget covers macaroni cheese and your "guest" wants lobster thermidor, then somehow they need to make it work for everybody, or postpone the dream until they CAN make it work.

It's all a lesson in how to live day to day, with life's responsibilities. No nagging, no instruction theoretically - just practical involvement with hands-on learning in a low-key way.

The benefits of tis approach are legion. If you have an autistic person in the house, this can bring an increase in order unexpectedly. You may also find this person adopting chores that they enjoy, such as doing the washing. When we bought our new front-loader washing machine, I started it off and then the boys went missing. I finally found them both, sitting in front of the washing machine with their heads tilting this way and that in unison, over and over, as they watched the clothes swish back and forth. GFG spoke up. "I don't know why, but I find this strangely compelling."

Anyway, that's just a rough idea of how it works.

As for the clumsiness, some people are just like this. My MIL is one such - and at 86 she's not likely to change. If something is in her way and she doesn't want it to be, she will push it, shove it or generally force it until something gives. She gets cranky with something (like a knife that won't cut properly) and will slam it or force it, often making things worse.

Impulsivity is not exclusive to the young!

Marg

[Autismkids]

I don't have much success with my son's behavior, but I do with my daughter and she's "only" autistic.

I made a house rules chart. Mostly positive; Keep your toys tidy instead of don't leave your toys out. Use nice words, instead of don't curse. There are more, but you get the point. Then we have a consequences chart. If you use mean words, you have to make an apology card. If you do not keep your toys tidy, they will go in time out.

For your laundry issue, how many steps are involved? If "bring your laundry down" means put the dirty clothes in the basket, and bring the basket to the laundry room, that could be too much. I tell my daughter to put her dirty clothes in her dirty clothes basket. When she's done I tell her to put the dirty clothes basket in the laundry room. I break up the step for her so she knows what to do.

For some tasks we have a step by step picture chart. My son's morning routine is extremelyyyyyy broken down. (Not the whole routine) Take off your pj top, put in the basket, take off pj bottom, put it in basket, take off diaper, put in trash, pick undies from drawer, put them on, etc. My daughter's is still broken down but not nearly as much. Take off pjs, put in dirty clothes basket, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, etc.

Have you accepted that he's autistic and things have to be different? I know many people who will say that their kiddo is autistic, but still expect typical kid behavior from them. I expect decent behavior from my daughter, but I know I have to go about it in an entirely different way than her typical peer's parents.

I'm lost with my son, so ymmv with all of this! LOL.