How can he want to give up when he hasn't even

[rejectedmom]

really tried? I got a letter from GFG. He says he really isn't sure how he is doing and that he often thinks he just wants to give up. What the heck is with that?????
We worked our buns off to get him out of prison and into an RTC. We went into our retirement assets and Dh will now have to work to 70 to make up for it. GFG gave the RTC two months and then walked away. He has been in prison since then. It has been five months so far when it only had to be 4 months total. All because he can't stay out of trouble long enough to finish the early release program. I spoke to the prison SW. GFG is allowed to try to complete it again. So why does he want to give up? I feel like screaming at him. "IF you would only apply yourself and stop being so darn lazy and manipulative (ie the suicide gesture) you would be out of there!" I'm tired of guessing at what GFG can and can't do. I just want him to do what he HAS to do. He's the one who put himself in a position where no one can help him but himself and now he wants to give up???????????? I am so angry I could spit! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif[/img] -RM

[DazedandConfused]

I wish I had something to offer you to make it better. I'm sorry, it must be so very frustrating.

(((hugs)))

[Dammit Janet]

I can only imagine just how upset you are. I would be ready to spit nails too. Maybe...just maybe...I think I would write him back and tell him he has two choices either do what he needs to do to get out in the shorter amount of time or do nothing and he sit in there for a long time. HIS CHOICE! If he chooses to sit on his buttocks then you will have no more contact because you cannot condone bad behavior. You are sure he will make the right choice.

Sheesh...why cant they do what seems so obvious to normal people.

[rejectedmom]

Dazed, thanks. Unfortunately no one can make it better but him.

Janet, I have also thought that I should do that but I'm not ready to commit to absolutely no more contact. It might come to that. I am preparing myself mentally as much as any mother can prepare for that. I don't want to feed into his "poor me" garbage but I do not want to push him over the abyss either. Where is that crystal ball???? -RM

[Janna]

I'm so sorry, RM. No words of wisdom, just positive thoughts and gentle hugs for you, my friend.

So frustrating.

Janna

[SearchingForRainbows]

RM

I feel so badly for you!!! I wish I could help but my GFGs are younger and I haven't been in a position like you are in yet. It sounds like you and your DH have bent over backwards to help GFG. IMHO, GFGs very rarely accept responsibility for their actions... Its the same old, same old garbage all of the time. Its always someone else's fault... Are they really that clueless???

Not only is it someone else's fault, but also they don't seem to see that their poor choices got them into the mess they're in to begin with. They only think that the consequences are totally unfair....

One of my first thoughts after I read your post is that I wouldn't put out any more money to help GFG. You and DH have a right to retire. It is so SAD that your poor DH now has to work until he is 70...

As hard as it is to detach, maybe it is time to let natural consequences run their course. However, after saying this, I realize that I really don't know enough about your situation to offer this kind of advice.

Sorry I can't really help you. Hang in there... As I always say, everything is always
subject to change... WFEn

[everywoman]

RM--just a hug from someone who has BTDT. The only advice I have is to detach---realize his choices are his choices. When he was younger you had a certain amount of control. That's over now. He is an adult--at least physcially, and his adult choices are now controlling his life. I'm sorry. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all gfg's better.

[wakeupcall]

RM, I have a friend who has been exactly in your shoes. She and her gfg's father helped and helped and bailed and bailed their child. They used up most of their retirement and all of their patience, etc. Ya know, it never did make one iota of a difference. He did what he was going to do no matter how much they tried to help. Oh, he took and took and it prolonged everything, but still........there he is, in the penitentiary for many, many years. It was all because HE didn't help himself. I think you're going to have to try your best to convince your gfg to...HELP HIMSELF!! Good luck. Remember, you've done the very, very best you could do.....and do NOT forget it!

[SunnyFlorida]

[ QUOTE ]
tell him he has two choices either do what he needs to do to get out in the shorter amount of time or do nothing and he sit in there for a long time.

[/ QUOTE ]

Your having "contact" with him doesn't have to play into saying this statement.

If he tries and completes the program then yeah, if he doesn't then you can still write him where he's at.

[kris]

<font color="purple">i know you are hurt &amp; disappointed. i think even when our kids are PCs it's a mistake to expect gratitude or even acknowledgement for what we have sacrificed as parents.

i think there is a middle ground to be found here. continue contact &amp; visits, but don't invest yourself (get hopeful) about any program, early parole, etc., that might come down the pike. when he tells you about any of these things, alleged changes in attitude simply say something along the lines of, "good luck w/that. i hope it's successful for you." then let it drop. you can keep contact w/o allowing yourself to become embroiled in all the attendant drama.

in your shoes, this is what i would aim for.

kris </font>