Introductory plus VENT- long post w/ history

[bramblewoodbabydoll]

Hello all. I am mother to 3, divorced twice, engaged, wedding date a year a way and fiance and I live together in his house. I work as an LPN and I will be 34 in Oct.
Family HX: Grandmother w/ undiaganosed depression, her child who is my mother also w/ undiagnosed depression. My mother smokes pot and has since teens. She has hx of experimenting with drugs but she is mostly a funtional pot smoker. Worked the same clerical job for 25 years, now retired. My father was an alcoholic with violent tendencies and occasional polysubstanc abuse. He died 3 years ago of vascular/liver failure from his drinking.I could be wrong here but I think he may have been undiagnosed bipolar.
My mothers side of the family is very creative but also a hx of early childhood learning diablilties. My fathers I dont know since he was disowned around the age of 20 after his father accidentally drowned while fishing, I think his mother was not quite right and intended to cut him from the will. He and his dad were plumbers by trade.
GHG1 now 14 yo, Sniper, my beloved son. We struggled for years with his constant talking, impulse control, sensitivity, hyperactivity and worrying/axiety and medication. At 6 his teacher said test him for ADHD. We did. He was dx'd with. We did ritalin- hated it but had no alternative. We then saw a psych doc and tried concert 54 mg (@ 7y/o and he was already really skinny kid but he could not sit still and stop talking otherwise) I never gave him meds at home because I could always handle him with several tricks I'd pick up from talking to other moms and things I came up with on my own. Other parents, family wanted me to spank him- Never worked unless he'd done something he knew to be wrong like break something that belonged to someone else ect... Spanking him for the hyperactive bouncy and nonstop talk only tramatized him as he felt he was being as 'calm' as he could. I believe that. Missed his meds one day and got paddled at school, cryed for 2 hours and was very fearful. Principal who is only one allowed to paddle told me he would never do that again (good, hope you get it now you a$%). Sniper and I bonded over this, all of it brought us closer together, formed a firm bond of trust and openness between us. I love him like crazy. He turned a corner @ 12 years old (around the time I had my series of episodes and suicide a attempt after 2nd husband- not his father- and I split and Sprite, Gfg2 left to live w/ her biodad -also Snipers biodad). I was hospitalized 3 times that summer and grandparents took Sniper to live with them. My youngest from 2nd marriage, Pixie 8y/o now, stayed with biodad.
I dont know what happened but Snipers grandparents where reluctant to put him on meds when he started school back and he did well without. He matured in a lot of ways and we'd trained for this day, he and I, the day I cant be the only one who 'gets' him. I guess it came earlier than we thought and he rose to the occasion. Hes an expert gamer, always has been, loves xbox live. Loves zombies. I love him. 14 now and lives with biodad, we see each other every weekend if not more often... Ex1 is a good friend and we get along well.
Now..... the downside/bad news.
All that attention Sniper got royally ticked GFG2 11 yo Sprite off. She was always quiet and portrayed a very sweet nature but she stuffed a lot of anger and resentment. Me and ex1 divorced when she was 19 months old. She blamed me for taking her father away later. In addition she got to watch Pixie get doted on and be daddys little girl for 5 years. We actually have an early picture of pixie and sprite and we thought sprite was trying to hug her but when you look at the pick she is mock-strangling her with a smile on her face... At 8yo Sprite wanted to live w/ her dad and to make a long story short she did.
2 years later she comes back to live with me and she came back at 10 yo and she came back a hot mess. She is manipulative and a doll when she gets her way. She favors men. The biggest shock were the 'tantrums'. She doesnt get her way and she blows up, steam practically comes out her ears she makes unintelibable sounds/growns/moans/screams, falls on the floor kicking. Screams she hates me, she hates her life, no one loves her blah blah blah... She broke her bedroom door kicking it. My thought is she is too old for a toddler tantrum and too young at 10 yo for puberty being an issue. I figured this was transition behavior after living with biodad. I expect more and am more strict. It continued to happen tho. She started missing the bus after I went to work. Got a letter from truancy officer that if she missed any more days I would be fined 1000$ or go to jail. The last 3 weeks of school last year the only way I could get her to go was to show her the letter and ask her did she want us to go to jail instead of school?? She went. Summer was not as bad. She still had fits when she didnt get her way. She made a few scenes but things seemed to be getting better. She was a little more respectful and tolerated and even learned to enjoy her younger sister (who stays weeks with biodad and weekends with me). When I talked about Sprites behavior with her dad he just shrugged it off and said she stayed grouned at his house when she did it and that she just has a bad temper----- BAD TEMPER MY A@@! This child is a walking mood kaleidascope with no self control or ability to self sooth. She turned 11 in May, she started school (a different one) and it all started over... its disruptive to everyones morning. She flat out refused and hid one day, I went to the school and got the cop there to escort me to the house to talk to her and explain this isnt just me being mean, she has to go. We started therapy right after that. Therapy is helping. She responds to and likes the therapist. She can be absolutely appropriate, even loving and nearly natural, she frustrates easy tho and it turns to vengeful anger in seconds. She is convinced she is the only one in the world whose life is terrible and she is always bored (wich also sets her off).... We've had a terrible day today and I am so tired of this I want to throw her in the trash can
I am bipolar and I rapid cycle on occasion. I was a drug abuser for years but I hid it from my ex2 and was very sneaky about it and I was 31 before I kicked it all. I never did it in front of the kids but I've been high around them, do they know? I dont know? but I was a roller coaster . Everyone says we are nearly just alike. My acting out didnt start until I was 13 or 14 though. She's 11!!
I've had all sorts of meds and some that made me worse, ECT as well. but I ended up seeing an excellent therapist worth his wt in gold. He helped so much that I am able to manage my issues with wellbutrin and klonipin alone which are working out ok. When I have episodes now they are mixed states or depression but I have lived with the depression so long I dont know any other way to feel but meloncholy at the least. Having said that I can work through it until a switch flips and Im in a mixed state--enter klonapin and then sit down and relax, reason it out, come back to normal.
....Sigh
Theres so much that can be said here about the whole family but thats whats on my mind and a wordy intro to my battle but Im so tired
I am waiting till she is on my ins. (oct 1) to take her to a neuropsych doc and have her evaluated. I hate to see her end up like me.

Thanks to all of you for giving me a place to say this.

[flutterby]

I may be looking at this threw my own lens, but your daughter's behavior reminds me so much of my GFG's and my daughter has been recently dx'd borderline, with depression and anxiety (the anxiety and depression were dx'd years ago). And, yes, BPD can be diagnosed in adolescence.

Welcome to the board. Sorry you have to be here, but am glad you found us.

[LittleDudesMom]

Bramble,

Wow! A very interesting and complicated dynamic between your kids, their respectivce dads, grandparents, etc.

I'm glad you have found your way here. Hopefully we can be of some help and support to you.

Sharon

[bramblewoodbabydoll]

Thanks a lot for your warm welcome.
Im happy to find this place
My mother deeply mistrusted psych docs and never let me see one as an adolesent. At 13/14yo I was hitting walls, cutting on regular basis, burning myself, a loner at school until I realized sometimes I got very talkative and mouthed off at the teachers/mean girls and this impressed the wrong crowd. I got into a lot of physical fights. People liked me because I was fun and crazy even without drugs but then I would have a downswing and isolate myself. The first thing I ever did was huff gas when I was 13 and I would do it till I passed out. I scared my mom and by the time I was 15 she was buying me cigarettes and giving me weed to calm down. I spent every day walking all over town just to be away from home. I felt unloved, unwanted and a burden. My dad was emotionally distant but violent towards my mom and brother since I was 7yo. It was sporadic violence but when it was bad we'd all have to leave and go to her friends house. My mother told me life just stinks, get used to it. My dad told me she made him this way and it was all her fault...... I dropped out of school, ran away twice but went to college, I started having kids at 19... I've quit drugs several times for long periods of time only to give in again to thrill seek or self medicate. I've been to lots of psych docs as an adult to get help and SSRIs and NNRIs as well as anitpsyhotics cause me to be hyopomanic at the least and angry with agression at worst. So bipolar with borderline seemed to be the ones they all latched onto or simply drug abuse. But I used all sorts of drugs, if I had to say I had an addiction it would be to cocaine, sex, money spending when I have it, something along those lines. I have always been a good lier too. I could cover up the most obvious deviant situations easily (or so I thought). I was not an everyday user as an adult. Just occaisonal and it took me forever to see the triggers that brought it on. I just dont want that for her at all. Teh only mood stablizer I was ever given was lithium and I hated it. I write poetry for fun, my only fun. I couldnt write on lithium so I flushed it down the toilet.... I just hate to see her go my way. Its been so hard and disruptive to everyone around me when Ive always wanted to be loving and good to my kids since I never had that...

[Christy]

Welcome,

First congratulations for kicking your drug habit and getting your own life in order while struggling with bipolar disorder. Your family has been through a lot and the stress triggers along with the history of mental illness would prompt me to seek out evaluations and therapy for all your children. The family dynamic sounds complicated so I'd urge you to build in as much consistency and routine as possible. Try to use your experience to form a bond with you daughter and let her know that you have been though similar experiences, made mistakes, and you want to help her avoid some of the wrong turns you've taken. Work on building trust and seek out as many community resources as possible to help you.

Good luck to you and your family. I look forward to hearing more about you as you post on this site.
Christy

[bramblewoodbabydoll]

After Sprite went to live with biodad in 06 I was crushed and tho I'd been drug free and working as a nurse at the teachng hospital I started to drink heavily by myself or take shots without letting ex2 or the kids know what I was doing. (Inability to trust and secrecy are hallmarks of my entire life.) Long story short I sought help again. A GP sent me to an outpt treatment center for dependance/mental disorders. I was not dual treated. I was told to stop drinking and I did b/c I wanted sincerely to get better. They made me so much worse (horrible grp therapy that focused on the pain), I put full trust in them and they took advantage of me by regressing me and riding my insurance while giving multiple dx and prescribing a barrage of meds that sent me into psychotic episodes. My marriage failed. My dad died some time later. I moved out on my on with my son. Got another MD, he put me in inpt psych ward, I got out, made a suicide attempt, went back in, got out and did outpt ECT (shock treatment) then he dropped me when I refused to take the lithium and asked to be weaned off effexor (hated it). Thats when son went to live with grandparents and I became helpless. My brother moved me out of my apt and I lived with my mother. Was admitted to psych ward 1 more time at teaching hosp. New doc and 6 more rounds of more intense inpt ECT. Definately came out a different person... different to this day. I dont ever want to be that sick again and my personality is not the same so I guess it worked (at a price). Since then I've tryed to organize/prioritze and regulate life for all of us so that we can find some peace. We are navigating a dark and merciless ocean but I see the silver lining and the northern star always. I wont give up and I wont let this ship go down. If I can save one person this pain it will be worth it.

[Dammit Janet]

Wow. I see a lot of similarities between us. I havent beein on the inpatient merry go round like you but that is because I have a fairly stable family now that refuses to give up on me. My parents, my mother in particular, was a nutcase. They had no idea how to handle me and my mom was ill herself and she abused me from a very young age. I was "incorrigible" as a teen and was doing drugs, alcohol and sex from a young age.

I got in tons of trouble early and didnt have a clue what was wrong with me. Finally met my now SO when I was 21 after having been married once, had one kid, left that loser...lol. My current SO is the one who saved my life. We have been together for 26 years and have two grown kids and 2 grand kids. Will have a 3rd in a week!

[bramblewoodbabydoll]

That sounds wonderful DJ- that your SO helped you find your way, not that you had to travel such a tragic path to get there. My SO is great too but we've only been together 16 months. He is so good with the kids and so tolerant of all the kid swapping we do each weekend
We are all really enjoying being together these days with the exception of Sprites emotional ups, downs and extremes.
I look forward to talking with you all and learning more about everyones unique situation.