My 5 year-old - screaming, hitting, disobedient

[4am]

Hello... I am at my wit's end with my 5 year-old boy. Here are some of the things I am dealing with

- He hits me when he's angry
- He screams his words (usually telling me to STOP IT NOW!)
- He repeatedly ignores my requests
- Gets easily upset by stupid things (me singing Christmas songs makes him throw a tantrum)
- Gets sent home from school with notes about his behavior more than once a week
- Seems obsessed with video games, asking to play constantly (first thing in the morning, right after school)
- Very hyper, constantly moving, jumping, obsessed with his play-sword and light sabers, constantly swinging them around
- Argues with everything

I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel frozen. When I want to dicipline him, I worry about his reaction. I've started walking on eggshells with my 5 year old. It is way out of hand.

-Heather

[MidwestMom]

Welcome to the board. Your little guy sounds like A LOT of our kids. Has he been evaluated? Any psychiatric disorders on either side of his family tree? Tell us a bit about his early development. Did he have an problems with talking or making good eye contact or cuddling or relating to his same-age peers? Can he transition well? Is he overly sensitive to noise, light, certain textures, certain foods? Does he have any strange habits such as clicking his tongue, or smacking lips, or flapping arms or lining up his toys or making high pitched sounds? Does he seem to "get" life or does he seem pretty clueless and sort of confused?

[DaisyFace]

Welcome--

Sounds like you are having a tough time...you will find that there are plenty of other parents here (myself included) that understand exactly what you are going through.

Have you sought any help yet for your child? Have you had him tested for any kind of neurological difficulties?

[pleez_help]

Hi and welcome! You will find lots of mothers who share your frustration. I have a 9 year old who sounds a lot like yours. We took him to the pdoc yesterday, and she told me to not let him play video games. They have too much stimulation in them. She also told us to take away all of his toys that encourage violent play. Has he be dx with anything? Have you taken him to see a pdoc? If you give some more info the ladies here can help you better. I am pretty new here, so not much help. Just remember to breath.......alot. It seems to make my gfg more angry when I get angry with him.

[totoro]

Hi and welcome to the board!
What behaviour Modifications have you tried with him? What works what doesn't? How long have you tried them for. Most things need a couple of weeks to really see if they work or not.
For example when our Daughter K was younger we tried 1,2,3 Magic... we did it and followed it strictly for about a month!
Her room was stripped bare! We stuck with it, after almost a month we realized counting and a bare room really didn't phase her.
But we had to stick with it for a long time.
Same with charts, rewards, time-outs etc.
Even when they are hitting and biting etc. Working with a ton of books and ideas on-line we needed to tease out what were actual tantrums, behaviours or real symptoms that could be changed.
When we realized that our child really wasn't being affected by any of the parenting Modifications then we sought help.
Maybe you have tried modifying your parenting and adapting yourself to your child.
You will have to anyway if you have a special needs child.
I didn't see if anyone suggested it yet, but "The Explosive Child" is a great book to help with some Modifications. Whether or not your child has an actual DX.
You have found a great place to get help! We all understand difficult children!

[Ropefree]

Heather: yes, that sounds like the joys of motherhood as I remember 5.
Definately pull out all the electronic type toys...period when he is not looking. Send time with him reading and doing things like making things, clay, a rice table is good, anything involving squeezing stuff out of a tube(otherwise they do it in kindergarden and teachers LOVE IT when a child is tierd of squeezing stuff out of a tube BEFOR kindergarden)....lots of out door fun that keeps him moving....swimming is VERY GOOD...EVERYDAY For HOURS!!
REad to him ALOT...it is a wonderful transition activity between activities and especially between waking and sleeping. At that age I would have a stack of books on one side of the bed and I might very well read all of them then piling them up on the other side of the bed. And chapter books as well.The practise of reading to a child gives them the language base, teaches them to listen well, and also models and engages him in the skills to read...like sitting in one place. Also, in my opinion, the close contact with Mom and Dad each day for long sessions of reading provides the calm intimate foundation for consentration in a relaxed, supported environmetnt that then is internalized and creates a lifelong ability to center onesself....as well as prioritizing active learning...
REading is also a twin cousin of our other lifelong skill that is elemental in all our
emotional lives: Time out.
In my opinion time out as "a punishment" misses the point. The out of control angery type behavoir you are sharing with us in the five year old is the physical acting out of what we will all experiance until the day we die: reactive emotion. That frontal lobe filter that acts as a pause between symulus A and knee jerk B is LEARNED BEHAVIOUR. Our all time wise words "Think befor you act"
No adult is unaware of how much effort is actually involved with FEELING MAD and THINKING WELL. When parenting the role of embracing and angery child and holding them when they are angery and reassuring them that 1) You look angery. 2)The mad feeling will pass. 3) It is OK. This is a good time for a relaxing time out.
Agression is the easiest behavior we humans learn. We have to respond to it: either we do nothing and are hurt;duck and avoid it;or we respond as a new inductee to the abnormal use of human power by returning the act in kind.
What we learn from is also keen compassionate acts of attention to one another. For small children we teach best when we are pro-actively inviting more
of what we want. "Walk" as apposed to "Don't Run"..."Talk to me gently" as apposed to "Don't yell" and affirming what IS GOOD BEHAVIOR (in a moment when your 5 is being calm and appropriate you can safely tell him with confidence that he is a capable learner).
The five year old is a being who is learning ALOT all the time and this age is excellant for them to learn multiple languages and to begin to do many more things than ever befor. hense it is EVEN MORE exhausting for parents. You need a plan. you can make a daily schedule that moves from one thing to another just to keep up the pace that is appropriate for the 5's learning abilities.
practice is the tool and the multiple things that you do control completely are what all is on the agenda for him to do each day. For him it is the work of PLAY.
For you it is the work of providing the activities that move him forward on his journey of learning.
The vedio type games I like for the five are the ones that keep them moving. The bike in front of the vedio screen that he has to pedal to play...That I could have used. Daily. Plug in the kid and get the calls made, and do the things I had to do.
Definately have the 5 doing chores with you regularly TO EARN time on the game. but not now. Not until he is behaving well and earns the time fro his good behavior. If you pull all of it and let him learn to behave without baiting him....I hate that. Ithink that when parents bait their children with "things" they are setting themselves up for a child who is going to be turning to pandering himself to you and it is DISCUSTING. Kids who are participating in the family life like hookers turning tricks: not a smart choice. We all have to do the daily stuff and nobody is the servant for hire.
Also my son was a biter. The ultimate parent nightmare. "use your words" rather than do not bite. I would use the bite and the hit as the foundation for you explaination as to what has to change. Until you use your words and do as I tell you NONE of that fun for you.
Get ready for the wild ride as he plys his skills at controlling you through his tantrum mastery. Remember these are the samples of how well he does learn. If his room is safe just let him ride it out in there. if you have to be in the room with him what I would do is hold him in a chair like a lifeguard and do :if you have to say anything use your most sincere beautiful womans voice and softly say something like "this feeling will pass. I am right here." I would also make a soothing outward sigh sound to remind him how to relax...not in the heat of his rage but as he begins to tucker out.
What is not going to work is to let him intimidate you.
I use to ask my son this question: do you want me to handle this with my loving adult manners (and changing tone and facial expression)OR DO YOU WANT THE MOMMY MONSTER?
If you are consistant with your child one day you will lead your child with looks and gesters from across the room. When you mean business and you follow through your child will from time to time act up...usually in developemental transitions...but the foundation will give you two the tools to get the good thing going like a vigurous plant that may need pruning from time to time but it will flourish from the effort.
Hope so of this is somehow usefull. Best of luck. These are the big challenges, Mom. Seeking help and insight is the path to gathering what works for you.

[Janna]

I love the word behavior modifications, T! LOL! As soon as I got through the first couple of sentences, that went right through my mind.

It sounds like you are having a hard time disciplining. Please don't take offense. You are saying you're walking on eggshells around your son, what kind of tantrums does he have? Crying? Does he do anything to hurt himself or is he just screaming/crying, etc?

Does he have a consequence when he hits you? If you ask him to do something and he doesn't do it, what happens? Video games - awful - I agree, take em. Lock em up. What is the school telling you about his behaviors?

Some of the things just sound like he needs to be consequenced. Seriously. For example, swinging the light saber around. Take it. Tell him "if you swing that one more time I'm taking it". Don't yell. Don't threaten over and over. Or, do the 1, 2, 3 Magic and give chances. But, do it. Don't say you will and not. Take it. When you ask him to do something and he doesn't do it, give him a consequence. Write it down. Tell him ahead. Get a Dry Erase board, put it on there. If you don't do XYZ, ABC happens. Every time. Every, every, every time.

Tantrums bite. My son used to throw em, 3 hours at a time. Threw his head through a picture window once over a piece of gum when he was 4. I have stories - nightmares. I guess he was about 7 when I started making rules. Took him about 2 years to really get the grip of it (he's Autistic, very slow to learn lol), but he got it. We work on points here now, and it works good. His tantrums are pretty much gone, but I think, too, that may have come with age and some partial maturity. He still tries to get away with stuff. I just stand firm.

The thing is, if you're having these issues now, what's it going to be like when he's 10? 15? Are you still going to want to be going through this? Nah. Better to nip it in the bud now.

I'd call around, see if there's any agencies that offer behavior modification help. Here in Pennsylvania, it's called "Wrap Around". We did it, few times, sometimes it's helpful. Can't hurt to check.

I don't think the singing thing is stupid. I get really annoyed when my oldest boy (17) plays his stupid rap music. Ticks me off to no end. If I could tantrum, LOL, I would. So, I don't allow it here.

Hope things get easier. Sounds like you have your hands full. Sending you hugs.

[clisa99]

Heather

i understand complete.y my son did that last year and is backa t again now that he is 6. he had a period of 4 months where i didnt feel like my life was a living hell here with him. he did really well behaving at school too.

now he is back to screaming at the top of his lungs. i mean it is blood-curtling and SO embarassing. he does it home and at school

he also, hits me, curses at me (F word, B word)

he gets a note sent home pretty often about how he disrespects his teacher and his classmates too

every day is a surprise. i never know what is gonna set him off orif he will be able to deal with it or lose control. i feel like his teacher is not too keen on having to deal with him either.

i completely feel your discouragement. *hugs*

[cadydid]

Your son sounds like my son 8 years ago. Well actually, it is still him. Only he directs it at my DH, his step father.

My question is has he been diagnosed with anything? And if so, is he on any medication? If not, getting him evaluated is definitely in order....

In the mean time.. you have found a great place for support.. I have only been here a week and already I feel better about the situation with my son.

[susiestar]

Hi and Welcome! You have found a wonderful source of support, knowledge and caring. We have all had problems with our kids, so no judgements or blaming mom happens here.

There ARE things you can do. I recommend a couple of books. The Explosive Child by Ross Greene is one that almost all of us have found useful. It may seem counter-intuitive at first, but once you get accustomed to it, it works quite well. I also like the Love and Logic books (you can explore them at www.loveandlogic.com). I think what I liked best about them is that a.) it stressed strengthening a loving bond between parent and child while using natural consequences and b.) it "clicked" with my dh so we could be on the same page.

I really think you probably need to have him evaluated by a multi-disciplinary team (group of docs who work together to try to figure out what is going on, often led by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or developmental pediatrician) or a neuropsychologist (psychologist with very specialized training in testing and how the brain impacts behavior). What you are looking for is not a 50 min evaluation, but an evaluation that takes a substantial amount of time broken into 2-3 hour chunks.

Bear in mind that as he grows, what you see may change, so you will want to find docs you can really work with.

also, b/c the songs bother him and the constant movement, etc.... I STRONGLY recomment having him evaluated by an Occupational Therapist (OT) for sensory integration issues. many of our kids have sensory issues and need certain kinds of stimuli and therapy to help with it. I KNOW my youngest would have ended up with an ADHD dx if we had not gotten an OT eval that showed significant sensory problems - and the great thing about sensory problems is that they can be helped WITHOUT medication. There is a wonderful author, Carol Kranowitz, who has written 2 books that you may find helpful. If you can only buy one, I recommend the 2nd one I will list here: 1.) The Out of Sync Child - this explains sensory issues and how they can be helped. Good, helpful reading, most libraries have it or can get it through inter-library loan. 2.) The Out of Sync Child Has Fun - this is PACKED with activities to suit all sorts of sensory stimulation a child might need. It also has ways to make them quite affordable, which is always a plus for us.

I hope you stick around, I am glad you found us. We DO have an Early Childhood section of the site, which might also be helpful to you.