Hello everyone and thanks for being there!
I used the letter icon to symblize verbage .
Today is the in home session 2. Five out of the seven days were on the
rule set down for this week. The last two..not.
Today my to do list is usual chores and I am not having that inner cooperation to do ANYTHING.
If reading is not your thing that is the gest. thanks for caring.
For the read-ee--er :
My own teen years are a blur of an unending series of the merky mess that
was so confusing and noscensical my siblings and I have all been through therapy and as middle age adults we still support each other over that mayhem. And caring with our now elderly parents who are still going at it.
Whom we do love.
I am estranged from my family of origin. It was not a simple or snap choice I made, and my son and I are also far removed from his father. Another
choice that I made and as much as doing such is so difficult to accept for some people, given the time I can explain myself. But that is not what I have for this day. Just so you know. It clarifies as a fact.
My sons dependancy and the issues that he is dealing with as a maturing
person are just all on me. His anger, which is normal and natural and just part of the reality of life, has not other tangilble person to target.
My predicament is that since my own teenage years were so spectacularly
a mess with the adults in the home and the environment in that home so
dysfunctional and predictably unpredictable and as so many other teens who are the social group have terrible privations in one way or another
I am , in the words of others "doing the right things" but how it feels to me
is completely uncertain.
And I tend to beat myself up emotionally for whatever: being disabled, not being able to (insert that here) and that the needs my son has are not all
met in a way that I feel good about.
Like his grades. He has done so well in school. It did not happen overnight.
It was like pushing a boulder up a hill that keeps rolling back down again.
Now, it is going along much more smoothly although it takes consistant
attention to details for him and for me by keeping on the school to not let the provisions be set aside until oh...they are not conducted and the result
another failure. He is doing excellant work now. Everyone sings their praise of him. It is so joyous for me as his parent.
The uproar of last month has settled, but the matters that are festering in him are clearly there. My hope is that he will conect with someone who
he then does begin to unravel it and pursue that joureney we all end up on where we are now "taking care of ourselves" and "asking for what we want and need." "saying what is so for ourselves" and "saying what we will be doing" and set this internalized and self defeating fear of being heard down.
It is so self sabatoging. Say. Say. Say.
I think lieing and hiding and such are our childhood solace against a world that we think will distroy us and stop caring for us if we admit that we are
not "good" we are "bad". When what we know as adults is that we are merely humans..and the reason we get adults to care for us is because we do need that safe older experianced person to give us the directions as we enter each new phase of developement. as adults we make a big deal out of lieing and hiding but it is the way that one lies and hides in the internal world and in our undeveloped thinking that scar us sometimes utterly meaninglessly.
At the same time society changes with the times and it is our children who
bring us further forward as well.
I am at that point with him. And as caring and well intentioned as I am and with all my determination I am so uncertain. I am still the girl who waits for the next shoe to drop. I am still the one who is so concerned that someone I care about is going to be terriblly hurt and the only person who can do anything is me. I trust, but I know self defense and I can dodge a blow.
In my heart of hearts I do know my son is on his way to doing well in life.
I am so wounded myself. I am so fragile underneith my strong and clear
Keep me in your prayers today, your prayers for the joy and strength that parents bring to this life for their families.
I appreciate you all so much for sharing your lives here.