Nobody wants to put their child in a group home

[AlParedes]

EXCEPT ME! and I feel horrible and disgusted with myself.
I literally don't have a clue what to do next. My DD has just returned home after a three day stint on the run. She is only 15 years old and dreams of become a stripper/ groupie in Vegas witch she attempted to run away to already a few months ago. The police intercepted thank god or she would probably be dead by now. DD has been in Juvenile hall 5 separate occasions in this last year from conduct, probabtion violations, assalt on her grandmother (whom I could almost see throwing in a bush myself) (im just saying the lady is MEAN) for trying to take her cell phone as punishment and now the latest. She has a warrant out for her in the state we just left for a home robbery with friends which all just caught up to her.
DD finds a way to stay grounded or in trouble daily by way of stealing constantly and lying in for frequently. Not a word she utter is of complete truth but some from of manipulations. Our entire family has changed their phone numbers so she cannot call them having already all been used, disrepected and then disgarded.

Three days ago she crushed my hand to darn near deformation trying to pry her cell phone charger out of my hand. She has called me the C word ( and I mean I never...) and is making my remarriage a divorce, something I know she would like since she hates her new step-mother, Someone who I can find no fault with thus far but has now run out of patience and they completely stay away from each other.

I want to run far far away which is silly but I cannot take any more. I feel like a crazy person crying all day trying to figure out what new approach I can take. Be more stern....less stern....talk to her like a friend....Keep the authoritative approach.
Her therapist says to me.... "good luck" shes a tough cooke and put her on abilify on her first visit with the Psyc which she refuses to take and makes her hostility come in waves instead of one continuous stagnant tornado.

I dont know what else to do and Im so glad I could vent here, Im accepting any and all advice.

Im starting to dislike my child and that just dosent feel right, please what can i do to get through to her?????

[toughlovin]

Your feelings are very understandable and have probably been shared by a lot of us here in this forum. Your daughter needs help and it sounds like things are such that you can't give it to her. Not because there is anything wrong with you but because for whatever reason (maybe her defiance and her age) she just can't take it from you. So she needs to be in a place where she can get help and from someone other than you. I agree getting her into some kind of RTC or therapeutic boarding school would be ideal.... they tend to be expensive and i don't know what your resrouces are. If that is not an option is there someone in the juvenile court system or department of youth services than can help. I know in some states they can provide some good advice and the court can help intervene.

Good luck.

[Jena]

hi and welcome.

ive been there myself it's a mixed up feeling loving your child yet disliking them at the same time. she does sound rough. yet i had a real rough run w/my pc and now we are in calm waters approaching 18. what have you tried at home? it's hard when their older to contain them and control them.

[PatriotsGirl]

I know EXACTLY how you feel!!!! I have 389 days until mine turns 18 and then she is out on her bum. Mine has been on prozac for the past couple of weeks and it has been great up until yesterday. We had a bad one yesterday and I never felt so much dislike for a person. I had to leave a court mandated class because I was so mad I was going to literally put my fist down her throat she was being so disrespectful. I feel for you. I really do. Since she ahs been in juvie five times, won't the judge try something else??

[AlParedes]

Welcome! I completely understand- sometimes we are looking at two options only and those are RTC or inevitable incarceration. The RTC is the better option. Can you get her into one? I tried with my son but failed- so now he is spending the majority of his teen years incarcerated.

I have hear of how expensive the RTC is but i had a co-worker whose child was ordered their by the state and i believe they paid for it. I looked into a few myself and they sounded like a great opportunity for her. I just spoke with her probation office and she said that she cant move forward with any suggestions until I turn her in on her warrant, in CALIFORNIA...sigh I am in Arizona now and the warrant didnt exsist before we left. Turning her in was not what i wanted to do and everyone says to me "well they wont come get her here so just never go back" and " I could never turn my child in even if she had a warrant..." If i tried to drive her back (can't afford to fly right now) she'd just run away before I got her there. I feel so stuck.

Im sorry Incarceration what the choice your son made as a way of life as well, but i hope things are a little calmer for you knowing he is safe sort of... I always worry when she is in juvie that I will get a phone call for someone assulting her or worse because she has such a mouth on her and cannot back down for any reason. So nice to have met you ladies.

[Bean]

Welcome.

I understand. Completely.

I wanted my daughter in tx SO badly from the time she was about your kid's age until... wait. She's 19 and I'd still love to see her in treatment. Or the Army.

Unfortunately, unless your kid gets somehow caught up in the system, there's not much hope of such thing. I made so many calls when my daughter was young, and never got anywhere at all. They said she needs an IEP and she needs to have gotten in trouble for something. Nevermind that she was using drugs, skipping school (truant) and engaging in extremely risky behaviors. At 17 we called the police when she hit her dad. They waive 17-year-olds to adult court.

Not good.

So my advice - if she EVER lays a hand on you guys, steals from you, comes home drunk/high - call the police and have her charged. Get your kid involved in the JUVENILE system. Don't wait until they're older. Hindsight, I would have called way back when she wailed on me or dad as a kid, instead of waiting until she was 17. Courts don't know how to deal with kids waived as adults here.

[AlParedes]

It seems nothing I do seems to work. Grounding her is usually what leads to her trying to run away and taking away her prized possession her Ipod results in the police being called every single time. When punished in any way she becomes hostile and begins screaming in my face what a horrible mother I am and so thats why she has to be disrespectful. I usually give up when she goes to her room slamming the doors and tearing down closet doors and cursing me. I have no control over her because their is nothing she cares about. I was told she has Aspergers and I believe it, but there is much more than that I think. She has been disrespectful since she was three and I would get calls from pre-school about her defiance no matter the punishment. A teacher once told me it seem like she became possessed by the devil when required to do anything and she is the same way to this day. If i asked her to wash her dishes she will after a few hours of continuous asking, she usually will distract herself and pretend like she dosent hear me. When i get fed up and stand there insisting she does them she slams them and breaks at least one. We need more cups. I have been told im soft. I try not to raise my voice until I cannot take it anymore and she has never had a spanking. I always tried to talk to her and then restrict or ground but she will not learn and does not care to hear anything I say unless it is about a band. I have read CD and ODD and feel like she fall somewhere in between these characterstics on a daily basis. She is un-capable of the telling the truth. I watched her lie to the police about where she was when she ran away at first saying she stayed at her friend house...a boy. when they asked which school she goes to she said he wasnt in school which then of course they wanted his name. She made it up i could tell and couldnt remember which apartment he lived in...(hello you were there three dates) "toward the front" she said, when he pressed she said actually he goes to a different school...hes 16 she lied.

Last night around midnight she knocked im my door and asked me if I had signed a paper for school. I told her I read it but was not taking the schools vision insurance, I hadn't had the time to tell her she was already signed up. when she replies " well F&*6k YOOOOOOOOOOU then, I heard crashing her room as she threw around stuff. She told me the latter over and over again screaming at the top of her lungs like some sort of crazy crack-head. All my wife said was "I think she may be on drugs". I got out of bed after sleeping for two hours to confront her behavior. She refused to open the door no matter what. After 5 minutes of her screaming FU on the other side and that I dont care anything about her for not getting this school insurance ( like WHAT?) I helplessly went back to bed. Not an issue for he Cops. She went off to school this morning and when I woke up around nine and I took her door off. She has yet to return home from school...DUM DUM DUMMMMM. This could get uglier.

[Marguerite]

This does not sound a lot like Asperger's. Aspies generally may try to lie, but won't try to tell a complex lie, they're not good at lying and generally get caught. About the most complex lie GFG1 ever told was "I loaned my computer game to Jack," when in fact Jack had stolen it but GFG1 wanted to stop me going round to Jack's house and threatening the police unless the game was given back.

Sorry you're having such a rough time. We're here to support. Read other posts, other threads and whatever books we suggest (because generally when we suggest them, it's because we've shared the information back and forth so we know it helps).

Push for the RTC when you can. If the California warrant is going to be too problematic, work on reporting her for every infraction, so you can try to get her handled by the state. But if you can find RTC for her yourself, that may be quicker and frankly, cheaper in the long run (saves all the court costs, the fines, the damaged property etc). It's also a lot cheaper if it gives her a chance of being a decent human being. Our kids are worth it. Your sanity is worth it.

Marg

[DaisyFace]

Al--

Actually, destroying your house by slamming, smashing and breaking things IS a matter for the cops. No - they won't haul her off to prison or anything, but they can come out to the house. At that point, if she has gotten herself under control, they may just give her a talking to - but if she's still out of control? see if they can transport her to ER or crisis center for an evaluation for being a danger to herself or others...

In lieu of calling the cops, you are perfectly within your rights to have her leave the house until she can get herself under control. (As in: Go take a walk until you cool off! ) If she takes off and does not return within a short amount of time? NOW you have a runaway - make a report to police.

Once you have enough of these reports you can petition the courts for help.

[JJJ]

I would call the police for transport to ER for when she is trashing her room. You need a documented trail of trying to get her help through the mental health system.