Punishments: What works/what doesnt?

[comatheart]

So it seems a lot of you have gfg's that don't learn from their mistakes with any kind of consequence, natural or otherwise.

So what punishment does work?

If you can't find anything that works what do you do? I mean, do you just keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping that one day it will sink in? It's not like you can just sit back and let them get away with it.

We are plum out of ideas for our gfg. With the last item he stole DH became infuriated, slapped our son (highly out of the ordinary!) and tripled the amount he had to pay back. We initially told him he had to earn money to pay for all the things he's stolen. That just seems like a given under the circumstance but beyond grounding him from everything I dont know what else to do.

I'm just as frustrated as DH is, but I don't see how tripling the amount of money gfg has to pay is going to do. Am I being naive?

Help! Ideas please!

[slsh]

Hi comaheart. How old is gfg? I think that sometimes makes a difference.

If you could do a signature (instructions are here - http://www.conductdisorders.com/foru...gnatures-8399/) it would help us to give you hopefully some decent ideas. Thanks.

[comatheart]

Sorry, I added my signature.

He is 14. I look forward to any and all responses. Thanks SO much!

[whatamess]

For our gfg, we redirect/distract/keep safe in crisis and then in a calm moment we talk about choices/feelings. We used to rely heavily on reward systems, time out and taking away privileges- those strategies rarely worked. Honestly, we have discovered that when he is able to do the right thing... he does it (regardless of reward) and when his mood/anxiety are ramped up his impulsivity and decision-making capabilities really prevent him from following a reward/punishment system.

[Andy]

I like how Whatamess handles this. Another thing that I think I just read in a post within the last few days was to take the paying back one step forward in that the child has to GO TO THE STORE to find the item and purchase it himself (with adult supervision along the way). I thought that was AWESOME!!! You know how hard it is to find something in a store that you normally don't look for? It is WORK!!! Then to SEE the price of the item (not just be told by parents) and watch it being rung up with possible tax added on. It may not work, but it is worth a try!

I think that tripling the price is rather harsh and I bet it was done out of anger. It is so easy for our anger to want to pound the lesson in so severly that he/she has to take notice but than most of the time the focus gets off the offense and on to emotions (yours) and then the wrong lessons are learned causing further strife in the family. If your DH can come to terms with going back to the original price (or replacement price if the cost rose) it may go a long way for him to apologize for letting his anger get the best of him but still stand for what is right.

[comatheart]

Thanks for the replies so far.

Hehehe, Andy that was us that made our son to back to the store himself and purchase all of the items himself with the money he worked to earn. We too thought it was ingenious and the perfect learning experience but apparently it wasn't. -At least not for our gfg. :-(

So what do all of you do when your SO refuses to get on the same page? My DH is so angry and all of his decisions are being made in anger. He wanted to triple the price, then decided our gfg didn't need to come out of his room except to eat, use the bathroom and work. (the room has been stripped to very little so basically he can just stare at the posters on the wall) Then decided gfg wasn't allowed to speak without asking and he needed to address us by "Yes sir, Yes ma'am". Then decided he would wake him up at 6am when he went to work, put him outside with a jug of water and make him stay outside all day working in the yard. DH is all over the place, constantly adding onto the punishment, increasing it or otherwise. All the time I'm thinking he's just making this all worse for gfg in that he's not going to learn anything from it except perhaps resentment towards US. Dh says I am to weak or soft and don't want to punish him at all. As you can imagine this is causing major turmoil in our marriage and you better bet gfg is picking up on that!

[MidwestMom]

I didn't read the other responses so I'm just coming out with a new perspective of my own.

Typical kids tend to respond to the sort of consequences AND natural consequences that psychologists talk about and instruct us to do.

Atypical teens can be very resistant to anything. The best weapon I had when my daughter started taking drugs (and I hope you don't ever have to go there) was the car, but eventually we had to take her license away from her anyway and we didn't have much ammo because she did what she wanted to do no matter w hat we told her to do. And we tried everything.

I know this isn't helpful, but I want you to know that difficult kids are DIFFICULT and the very defiant ones just will not listen and it's not your fault. You keep trying, that's all you can do. Now I have a son on the autism spectrum whom I call a gfg, but his behavior is actually pretty good. He WANTS to do well and not get into trouble, so he responds to any sort of discipline almost too much (I hear him saying in his room "I'm such an idiot" "I did such a bad thing") and this is only over little stuff because he never does really bad things. GFGs are all different. The extremely defiant ones are extremely hard to reign in and all we can do is try. (((Hugs))) Wish I had more stuff that had worked for me to pass along.

[slsh]

Comaheart - I have to say I understand where your dh is coming from. It's pretty surreal to have a kid who just refuses to comply with such a *simple* social rule - don't steal. We're not talking rocket science here, you know? I think your dh is just reacting with anger and frustration... but his idea of consequences I don't think are going to be successful. Discipline based on the parent's anger and frustration just doesn't work, in my experience (BTDT, LOL). Not being on the same page is tough on a marriage - maybe give him the opportunity to calm down a bit and then sit down with him to come up w/ a plan together?

With gfg's inability to grasp this very simple rule, I think I would make his world very very small. No more going to stores. I would make it for a set time - a month, 6 weeks, whatever you think is appropriate. Then very slowly allow him more freedom, aka the opportunity to prove to you that he can be trusted again. Personally, if theft occurs again, I would strongly encourage the victim to press charges. Your son is 14 - I don't think it's unreasonable for him to experience "real world" consequences. Sometimes they make far more of an impact than anything we can do at home.

You also need to lock up anything at home you don't want stolen - I know it's a total pain in the neck, but sometimes the only thing we can do is remove the opportunity.

At the same time, I'm wondering where things stand in terms of his depression and treatment. Is he still in therapy/on meds?

[comatheart]

He goes to a counselor weekly but in 7-8 months they haven't gotten any where because my gfg will not talk. He answers questions asked of him, but that's as far as it goes. He also takes Celexa.

[smallworld]

Kristen, welcome!

Has your son gotten worse since he started Celexa?