So confused as to what to do need advise

**lanina** · 08-10-2012 07:44 AM

Hi, i just found this forum and i just need to know how to proceed. I have a 15 year old daughter she is the oldest of 3 and i feel like i am loosing her and i don't know what to do or how to act. I live in Oklahoma father lives in Fl. Father and I have a good relationship and work together to parent her as well as step mom. a couple of years ago out of the blue my daughter told me in an argument that she wanted to live with her dad i admit i was very hurt but thought i would nip it in the bud at 13 and let her go so she can see that the grass is not always greener on the other side. It turned out that my step son was sexually abusing her and we had no idea so we dealt with that and she was in counseling in FL getting treated etc... she spent a school year there with her dad and then came back home after we removed the step son out of the equation. I am now really starting to regret that move as here we are at 15 and she is wanting to go to high school in fl and live there full time her dad can't have her living with them cause if his other daughter going to a private school and they don't want my daughter to mess the younger one up with her issues. I don't know what i have done to push her away! I am so confused and hurt about it she was doing horrible here in school and started to hang with the wrong people and skipping school I just don't know if her living with my mom in FL would be better. Any thoughts?

**MidwestMom** · 08-10-2012 12:53 PM

Hi there and welcome to the board (although sorry you have to be here).

It would help us a lot if you could give us some background on your daughter. Also, I'm unclear as to whether or not the stepson was removed from the house and how much therapy your daughter had due to him molesting her. How old was he and she when it happened? Do you know for s ure how long it went on?

Do you think she just has bad memories at your home of being molested by stepson? Do you have any contact with him at all? If you or husband do, this may make her angry or even terrify her because he hurt her so badly. My daughter was molested by a child we foster/adopted and as soon as we found out, he was thrown out and we never spoke to him again. I don't know if you have that option with your stepson, but that could be why your daughter would rather live in Florida. Is she still in therapy?

Lastly, do you suspect she is using recreational drugs or drinking?

Unless your daughter is a monster, I'm not impressed with your ex disregarding his older daughter because of his younger one. Is she violent toward the younger one? Does she hurt her?

bigbear11 · 08-10-2012 01:55 PM

Hi Lanina,

Welcome to our little group. I can only imagine the hurt you are feeling. I wish I had advice but I am not dealing with any of this stuff yet. My little girl is only 9 so I don't have much to offer. But I did want to send out ((HUGS)) and say welcome.

**InsaneCdn** · 08-10-2012 03:09 PM

What kind of therapy have you had in dealing with this?
Because... this - sexual abuse by a family connection - is massive.
If not handled right, can be very destructive.

It's about way more than "getting her into therapy" when she was in FL. I doubt it's been really dealt with - certainly not to the point of closure. And you don't know how she feels about your part in this... no, it is NOT your fault. But in a young teen's mind, "if you and Dad had just stayed together, this would never have happened" can create some fairly major relationship issues. Add to that the fact that Dad doesn't want her to remain in FL either...

She - and you - need help to work through this.

**amazeofgrace** · 08-10-2012 04:17 PM

first off... <<<BIG HUGS>>, 15 is a hard age to begin with and with the abuse your sweet daughter endured, I can't even imagine... I had two sons, but I mentored a lot of teen moms, when I hit a road block I would always seek advice from a. a parent who delt with similar problems and b. a therpist who worked specifically in the field with their problems. Don't be so hard on yourself, and don't let yourself be pushed into making a quick decision. You've come to the right place hun, this is truly a "safe" place to land.

AOG