Why I Live in Isolation!

[Bugsy]

Sorry it is a bit long.

Background: My son has a dx of adhd/mood disorder. We have been
through soooo much. I am sure I do not need to spell it out
(doctors, meds. meds. meds., hospital, therapy, etc). Knock on Wood
he has been stable and doing well for a number of months. We started
him at one of the local private schools for special needs and so far
so good (again knock on wood, salt over the shoulder, fingers
crossed).

Well I met a mom of one of the boys in my son's class. We hit it off
right away (she does not know my son's dx). Her son does not carry a
dx of mood, bp or adhd. He is a sweet boy with non-verbal learning
disabilities. Our boys also hit it off. Yeah my son seems typical
and has a friend.

Here is the reason to go back into isolation.
There are 2 boys in the class exhibiting very challenging
emotional/behavioral problems. My new friend's son is very bothered
by this and so is she.

1. Last week she repeatedly talked to me about a boy "H" that is a
real problem. In fact he was suspended for kicking and is always in
the principal's office. She had enough and wrote a letter to the
school saying she was assured that her son would not be with
children with emotional/behavioral problems.
*Not going tell her about my son's true dx.

2. As for the second boy, "B", he had a major meltdown and she saw
it and heard of this occurring other times. She said to me "that
child is a real "mental patient". I looked her stunned and she
said, "I am not just saying it. He is diagnosed as a mental patient."
*Okay, definately not sharing my son's dx.

3. She was telling me about an experience last year when her son was
in public school regarding a child always out of control. Her
statement was, "And the end result, the kid was diagnosed bipolar!
Can you imagine a kid diagnosed with bipolar?! I am not paying
16,000 for my son to be with that kind of kid."
*Well, back into isolation I go.


Some people will think poorly of this mom. Other than this topic we
get along great. I don't blame her at all for her thinking.It is the
reality of society.

My child is not one of the 2 acting out. She has been with my son a few times and really is encouraging her son to be with my son.

I feel I owe each of you an apology for not having the courage to
look her straight in the eyes and say, "My child is one of those
children. He is a "mental patient" doing better."

I don't have the energy to try to change the world one person at a
time. So I will go back into my cave, and if she comes to my car
this afternoon at carpool I will probably just say, "So you think it
will rain today?"

If you made it all the way to the end of this little pity party, THANK
YOU,
Bugsy's mom

[house of cards]

I hear ya, there is alot to be said for your cave. I don't know if the person you are describing could be "educated" about mental illness and I can understand avoiding the topic because I do suspect she would want to end the kids friendship if she knew, which is so sad. I could totally understand if your GFG did something inappropriate but just for the dx, sad. Maybe you could seek out friendships somewhere without your GFG involved like a gym or bookclub, something along those lines.

[Pookybear66]

It is sad people in the world feel this way. Maybe this is the reason I am scared to get more testing for my ds. I don't want to hear that he has MORE problems and somone will put MORE labels on him and give potential to MORE teasing, etc. However, these people also need to know how to be kind and supportive and teach their children tolerance. If they do not see it in the home then they will not learn it. It is such a shame. I don't know if we have any more room on our plates to help people like this women, but I hope someone somewhere can instill a bit of tolerance in her heart. Someday she may be on the other side of the fence and she will be alone too.

Maybe you can find some pamphlets or something. Without coming out and mentioning your son's dx. You can say something like-"What you said the other day got me to thinking that you needed some information on BP. I don't feel the way you do and thought I would share my knowledge with you." Don't know if she would appreciate it but it was a thought. Good luck!

[bran155]

First of all you do not owe anyone an apology for the way you handled that situation. You handled it the way you were able to, that is a tough spot to be in. Especially because the kids get along so well. So don't beat yourself up!!!

I would love 10 minutes with that woman!!! Whether that is the way society thinks or not, she is still talking about CHILDREN for pete sake!!!! Oooh that kind of ignorance really ticks me off. Instead of judging these kids she should empathize with them and thank her lucky stars her child was dealt an easier hand. How would she like it if people were judging her child for his disability? What, does she think these kids and their parents went through the "mental patient" catalog and picked which disease would be the hardest to live with just to irritate ignorant people such as herself!!!!! She should pick up a book on "mental patients" and educate herself on the subject. I mean lets not forget her child isn't flawless, he too has a dx!!! He who lives in glass houses.............!!!!! So she paid money to put him in private school to keep him sheltered from those icky kids. What is she going to do about the millions that are walking among her daily, in the supermarket, driving the bus, at the library, on the swings at the park, or quite possibly the next child she may bear????? I'm sorry, please don't misunderstand my frustration, it is in no way geared towards you. People like that just get my blood boiling!!!!

I am so sorry you had to experience that level of ignorance, and I am crushed for your son who has befriended this womans child. Poor thing. Your son is just as good as hers, he deserves the same love that she gives to her child, he is just as worthy of friends as her's is!!!!! You are a far better mother than her on your worst day. You will do for your son 10 times more than she will ever do for hers. You are the warrior mom and your son is lucky to have you. He will grow up to wear your love like armor against the ignorance of others. Kudos to you!!!!

Hang in there and God bless.

[bran155]

One more thing. Don't for one moment think that you and your child are not worthy of their friendship, on the contrary, they aren't worthy of yours!!!

[nvts]

Bugsy! You're not being disloyal at all to us or our kids. No matter what, this woman is discussing other kids dx's. How much would you want her discussing yours?

That's the sad fact. Even in spec ed programs there are levels of tolerance and ignorance and yes, even predjudice.

I was told my son didn't "look" like he had aspergers, but my other one "looked" like he had problems (his face was swollen from a bee bite!), etc.

Don't live in isolation, just don't let people have too much information that they're too ignorant to handle!

Beth

[meowbunny]

I was lucky that my daughter's Dxes were such that most did not understand just how serious the behavior issues were. When she had outbursts, she drew sympathy because people knew she was adopted and had had a pretty awful prior to the adoption. I also saw kids with any sort of mental Dxes treated as vermin. It truly angered me. They had no control over their actions. My daughter did. They were ostracized by the parents and the kids. My daughter was ostracized by the kids, not the parents.

I understand your reluctance in not wanting to discuss your son's issues with this woman. She's ignorant. I wonder if she would be as upset with a child with MS or any other physical illness. Mental illness is just that -- an illness. Maybe you could mention to someone in the school that some of the parents need educating on mental health issues. That kids are being judged because of their Dx and that parents are discussing these Dxes amongst themselves. (I also wonder how she knows these kids' Dxes. The school certainly shouldn't be discussing it.)

Regardless, you have to do what is right for you and yours. Don't apologize for doing what you think is best for your son. His Dx is none of her business and you don't need to defend that fact to us.

[MidwestMom]

I'm very outspoken, so she would have had a piece of me...lol. A Non-Verbal Learning Disability alone should not necessitate special ed (I have one). Her child has to have many problems too that you don't know about and that she isn't telling. A NVLD would belong in an LD classroom. Perhaps he acts out at home--you know that many of our kids do. I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing squat with this woman.
I would probably make play dates for my kid's sake, but distance myself from his woman. I don't like gossips, and especially not about children. I don't like her attitude. JMO.

[Shari]

Ya know, Bug, I'd be tempted to carry on with this relationship if you were enjoying it.
***
If your son ends up having a meltdown in front of her down the road - well, until then, she will SEE how you interacte with your son, and SEE how your son holds it together for periods of time, it can be revisited then.
***
If a long period of time passes without that happening, I'd be tempted to share, at that point, your son's dx.
***
It might be an opportunity to educate without either one having to do anything but be a friend to the other.
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And frankly, in the end, if she walks away without changing a thing - what are you truly out?
***
Just my .02.
***
On the other hand, tho, I totally understand that need to protect yourself. BTDT.

[totoro]

Oh how I understand... your post brought me to tears. I have to run to go pick up K. I go each day and wonder if anything will come up, wonder when someone will say something... K is not the one that acts out either, but she is different.
Bugsy and K are the same age so I get it. School... the cave... how much do we stand up for our kids? I happen to have a very big mouth. But I regret some things.
Hang in there. You never owe us an apology. We all have our own path, our own stories, our own battles.
You are just trying to get through each and every long day.
Hugs...