PLEASE hear me out! my five year olds' behavior!!!

[army wife]

AAhh help I don't know what to do, lol. My son will be 5 next week and he is out of control I should have never let it get this far but I did without realizing it and time outs and spankings (which I'm actually hate!) are not working, he doesn't care if i take his toys or tell him no park, no t.v., he don't care he is just careless. He's in his own little world. He barley even gets sugar anymore or food dyes, my last resort was to spanking with a belt cause in my husband's family hitting with a belt is the 'right way' but I was against it and now Ifeel like I should and then I just realized I'm a bad mother for even thinking about it! Honeslty, I don't even think that would work. he makes messes nonstop and refuses to clean them up. Spagetti noodles he took out of the kitchen cabnent all over his floor even after hours of time outs and open hand spankings(which I never wanted to do ), and no t.v. for a day, it's been 2 days so I just cleaned them up. stuff like this...

[InsaneCdn]

He needs a comprehensive evaluation. There is something else going on, and you need to know what that is, so that you can understand where he is coming from.

For example, if he is sensory seeking, he may not be intentionally making messes, just doesn't understand that trying to meet his (very real) sensory need is a major problem for you. He may not understand that if it isn't a problem for him it may still be a major problem for you.

Some of "our" kids are wired very differently. They don't think like we do. What we see as a "logical" approach, isn't logical to them. What we see as cause and effect, they don't catch on to. And it isn't their fault any more than it is our own fault. It's the way they are wired.

For our family? The closer we get to understanding what drives the behavior, the more success we have in modifying our approach to get a better result. It takes time to figure this stuff out, but it's worth it... BUT. It usually requires good input from appropriate professionals.

[army wife]

thank you I agree with you, I feel so bad about spanking him even though he never even cried.

[InsaneCdn]

We've all been "over the top" in our actions/reactions at some point. Somehow, having a major GFG with un-dxed issues tends to bring out the worst in us, too. It isn't easy being the parent of a GFG.

But knowledge is power.

Have you seen the book "The Explosive Child" by R. Greene?

[Ktllc]

Look into spychological eval, neuro-psychological eval, psycho-educational eval. A lot swear by the neuro-psych but you have to see what is available in your area.
Your very first step though should be to talk to his pediatrician. That's what I did for V and she was quite helpful.
Right now, you are at the stage where you see the problems it causes in your life.
As you pregress in the understanding of you gfg's underlying issues, you will be able to conceptualize the problems better, understand where it's coming from and then deal with it better.
Even if you don't end up with a firm dx for your GFG (he is so young), you will gain knowledge and that will be a HUGE help.
You can also look into speech and OT eval. Those are usually easy to schedule and could reveal a lot.
Our first helpful econsultation was the OT eval. And that gave us other clueand little by little we are gathering the pieces of the puzzle.
Since your gfg is not quite 5, I assume he will enter K in 1 year. See it as a whole year of exploration and learning of his issues. As you learn, you'll be able to start teaching new skills to him.
The forum will guide you in your journey.

[nvts]

Hi! The guilt is tough enough - the fact that it didn't accomplish anything is a kick in the pants. I will caution you that it's illegal in most (if not all) to use a belt or anything else to spank...be careful as someone could report it and you'll then add the stress of an investigation.

OT really comes to mind for your son - especially since the spanks didn't get any type of reaction - I almost wonder if there's a sensory issue involved. Have you considered keeping a journal as to what's going on right before he "winds up and goes ballistic?" There could be things that could be over-stimulating him which are causing the meltdown...try and watch him and see if there's anything that sets him off. Standard every day things to us could be very difficult for him. Simple things like the smell of burnt toast - we don't like the smell, but for him it could be assaultive...a hug...a toothy grin...tons of stuff. Look at it via sound, sight, taste, visual, or feel. You might be very surprised!

I agree about going the neuropsyche route or a developmental pediatrician - it'll open doors for you. Read the Explosive Child - you'll get a little insight to how he's thinking rather than the conventional way that our brains process things.

And most of all - let go of the guilt - it doesn't do any good - and can be debilitating.

Take care of yourself - and remember we're here for you

Beth

[TeDo]

I agree with the others. Guilt will get you nowhere but I will tell you that spanking, more times than not, makes things worse with kids like ours (if it affects them at all). You really need to get a thorough evaluation to try to figure out what might be causing this behavior.

I do want to tell you that the key to dealing with the behavior is to figure out WHY he's doing it. As parents, we tend to assume a LOT and with gfg's, we are usually wrong. Neurotypical ("normal") people usually can't think like gfg's think. Gfg's think VERY differently than most people and the key is to figure out how they think.

I'm thinking sensory seeking also. A good OT should be able to help with that. His lack of reaction to a painful spanking and playing with uncooked noodles kind of point in that direction. As for the messes themselves, have you calmly asked him why he "played" with whatever the mess is? Be curious and unthreatening and then really listen to his answers. You might be amazed and I guarantee you will learn a LOT. With the not cleaning up, have you explained why it needs to be cleaned up? It could be that he really doesn't understand WHY he has to clean it. Figuring out the WHY of gfg1's behavior like this (putting aside ANY assumptions) made a huge difference in teaching gfg1 the cause and effect of his actions and helped a LOT. Our house has gotten more peaceful and I have realized that gfg1 IS different int he way he sees the world.

[Angela41]

First, I'm in agreement that spankings will make things worse, and it's adding to your stress by causing you to feel guilty. Don't get in a power struggle about the messes. Give him a choice between cleaning it up, or losing a valued privilege. If he chooses to lose the privilege, clean up the mess, take the privilege, and move on. Be very neutral- you're issuing the consequences, but he's making choices. If you catch him beginning mischief the next day remind him what happened the previous day and redirect him to something positive. Repeat, repeat. I agree that it may be time to talk with a therapist if he's acting out this badly on a regular basis. It could be anything on a long list.

[army wife]

Thank you all, well, the low amount of sugar and food dyes didn't help as much as it seemed to at first. It's crazy how I feel like a bad mom when I spank and then others (not you guys!) make me feel like a bad mom when I don't spank. So, my husbands family is wrong about spanking with a belt, right? thanks I really wanted to hear that I don't like that family at all. and yes I understand my child is wired differently then others but maybe I just feel like sometimes I'm using that as an excuse to not have to try harder with him? i am not going to spank him anymore, I cannot believe it but spanking doesn't really affect him the way I thought it would. I feel like I am hanging on a thread with him and he is really pushing me to my limits and I just want to have more paitence. This causes so many problems in our every day life, it keeps us at home and it keeps us inside the house and I fear even the unfenced backyard. He has seen a developmental pediatrician before and has an IEP and has been in special education preschool, Monday he will be starting his 3rd year of special ed pre-k. He has been evaluated and is about to be evaluated again. the sensory journal sounds great I am going to do that but I have to idea how to do it, so any help with that? and I really loved that someone said clean up or loose privlege I think that's a great idea! no more clean up and loose a privlege every hour you don't clean anything up...what was I thinking??

[SuZir]

So, my husbands family is wrong about spanking with a belt, right? thanks I really wanted to hear that I don't like that family at all.

First few disclaimers: I live in the country there any kind of spanking is illegal, has been around three decades. I don't really believe in spanking with any kids. I just don't see benefits outweighing the negatives. However; we have spanked our GFG. First when he was young, around four or five. We tried using spanking few months, didn't help, made things worse. We were desperate enough to try again several years later, that was total catastrophe, using spanking quickly escalated to the bad situation, it certainly didn't make GFG's behaviour any better, it did a lot of damage to his and his dad's relationship (he was doing the spanking) and we still regret it. With our GFG the severity of the violence that would had been needed to change his behaviour would had simply and totally unacceptable. Severity that DH used in the second period we tried using spankings was already much over the limit and it certainly didn't make any positive difference.

With your son: if spanking with the hand doesn't change his behaviour, why would anyone think using a belt would? Child will not see any philosophical difference between hand and a belt. And the force one can use in spanking without it turning truly abusive isn't something you need belt for. If spanking is not working, it will not work any better with the belt. When spanking works, it doesn't usually work because the amount of pain, but because of other factors. If few smacks don't work, the amount of pain needed to make it 'work' (or kid afraid enough to not get caught) is almost guaranteed to be abusive and totally unacceptable.