PLEASE hear me out! my five year olds' behavior!!!

[army wife]

Really, SuZir? I'm glad I read that. Because I have honestly been told alot that my kids act out cause I don't spank them hard enough. and I have told them that I once spank so hard I left a hand print and won't do it again and they were like so, we leave marks on our kids bottom all the time. So if what all of you are saying is right then almost everyone I know is abusive...which i wouldn't really be surprized. but what do I do when all these idiots keep telling me that it's my fault my kid is out of control cause I need to keep hitting harder and harder till it works when I figured that was wrong and wouldnt' listen to them anyway. what do i say to ppl who try to force me to hit my kids? EVERYONE is! And I have told them that it makes them think it's okay to hit and they are like "bull sh*t" and keep saying I'm too lazy and everyone is blaming me on his behavior problems saying I refuse to disicipline him! Gasp: sorry that turned into a vent.

[TeDo]

army wife, I have had to deal with my own family members' mentalities that are similar to what you're dealing with. My mother was a "spanker". That was ALL she ever did and she used it for EVERY infraction, big or small. All it did was make me afraid of her still at the age of 49. I didn't learn a darned thing except to fear my mother's anger. Yes, it is against the law to spank with anything other than an open hand, anywhere but their tushies, or hard enough to leave marks. That is how CPS and law enforcement define abuse so yes, those people are abusers.

I got so frustrated hearing that s*** that I quit talking to my mom completely for over 4 months and even now we have VERY limited contact and the minute she says anything negative about me or my kids I hang up or leave without another word. You aren't going to change THEIR minds so you do what you can do FOR YOUR CHILD. THEY come first and the others can go jump off a cliff. It took a long time for me to get to that point but I sure feel a LOT better now that I've set this boundary and stick to it consistently. They can think what they want but you don't HAVE to participate in their "delusion".

[SuZir]

Any scientific studies I have seen have not showed spanking as such a bright idea. But of course that doesn't matter to most of those people.

What is considered abusive is matter of opinion and culture. Unfortunately I have to say we did cross a line not only from our own cultural point of view (and we are more sensitive in this topic than most) but from most points of view. When your kid needs a doctor because you were trying to punish him, you absolutely know you have gone too far (it was an accident, but the accident that wouldn't had happen if DH wasn't trying to spank GFG.) And GFG did have marks from spankings before that last one. Didn't change a thing in his behaviour. Could had gotten us in major trouble with CPS and police. Did make things worse with GFG. So not worth it.

You have already spanked your child hard enough to leave a mark and that didn't help. What makes anyone think that hitting little harder and leaving more marks would help? And beating a child black and blue is probably considered abusive also by those friends of yours, who don't think leaving little bit marks is that bad? I honestly don't believe that hitting little bit harder would help. When spanking works, it is usually because it is a clear sign of parental disapproval, not because of the pain. After all, kids hurt themselves worse than any sane person would spank quite often and that doesn't stop them of doing those things. My kids have broken bones and not learn a thing, but have been back to do the same things right after the cast is off. How many kids do you know who have for example fallen with bike, hurt themselves and never rode a bike again? I don't know any.

I had to listen muttering about how GFG would just need a good spanking quite often. if I could, I avoided the situations, if not, i just listened and didn't comment. You are not raising your child to please your friends. And by the way, if they do often spank enough to leave the marks, and say it would help with your child, you can always ask, how would it be, when it is not helping that much with their kids. If it would be so effective, they would had needed to do it only once.

[MidwestMom]

I t hink spanking is counterproductive. That just shows them that WE lose control and when we do, we hit them. I'm with Suzir on this and also think you need to get him to a neuropsych.

[bigbear11]

Boy, have I been there... thinking that she just wasn't "getting it". I honestly feel that some of the things we are dealing with now are what she learned during some of our early years. But that being said... we were doing the best we could at the time and you have to forgive yourself for that. What works for most kids just doesn't work for some others (most GFGs). So that being said...what is important now is what you do from here on. Have him evaluated so you get better knowledge about what you are dealing with and then learn all you can. This group is great!! They have so much experience and advice to offer... some may work for you and some may not but it is so empowering to know that you are not alone and get advice from parents who have lived it.

If you are like me, it will be one of the hardest things you have ever done to learn to not engage with him when he is getting wound up. But it is very worth it as you have alot more control over how things go than you probably think now. It took me too many years to get that thru my head (but I think it is there for good now!!).

Welcome and good luck on the journey!

[chloedancer]

I am pretty anti spanking also. Most studies show it does little to change behavior but can cause anxiety and depressive symptoms and hinder brain development. Punishment itself is fairly ineffective, unless it is logical. And when you have a child wit special needs the risk of " going too far" is even greater. Why would hurting your child more be effective? I hear it constantly, but I have learned to quote studies and stand up to it. My come back to " he needs his xxx beat" is " is that how your parents taught you to be so supportive and t o know how to respect boundaries?" and to " my parents spanked me and I am fine" is " yes, and my father was an alcoholic who was in and out of my life. I turned out ok but I am certainly not copying that behavior either."

[TeDo]

Nice comebacks chloedancer!!! I'll have to remember those.

[army wife]

Choledancer I love those too. When I hear ppl say they were spank and turned out fine I say something along those lines...I know ppl who ...blank...and turned out fine. lol. and yes ppl around me say "bust his a**" once I even snapped "ya let's beat the autism right out of him!" scarcastic, they haven't even really diagnoised him with that yet they said just maybe Idk why I even said that but it shut them up. My husbands cousins' son kept hitting his neighbors dog one day and she just kept hitting him, his hand or wherever she missed, slap after slap shouting "no! Ethan stop it!" and he just kept doing it I was so annoyed.

[army wife]

I don't know why I let ppl get to me, I just get so upset because of things they say and all I can do is think of the next time and how I am going to react better. my SIL got so mad because I let my kids eat in her living room, I didn't 'let' them I'm sure when I walked into the bathroom my 2 and 4 year old just walked into the living room not knowing any better cause at home I let them eat in the living room. I never noticed they did and later she found a piece of poptart and was so mad it was stupid and was like "WE don't eat in the living room" well like I told her I let my kids so they didn't know any better and I tried to keep them in the kitchen but it's hard to keep an eye on them 24/7 which she should know my MIL is pretty much raising her kids for her while she hangs out with friends and talks on the phone. My SIL takes care of those kids 15% of the time but when she is with them she yells and them and spanks them hard and alot for EVERYTHING. I told my husband he needs to talk to his brother.

[chloedancer]

When I see people smack their child and say " we don't hit." I so badly want to say obviously WE do, as I just saw you both hit. But that would be overstepping. It just strikes me as weird. Don't let your sil get to you either. You kids didn't know her rules. How could they?