10 days later, daughter would like to come home...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bean, Sep 20, 2010.

  1. Bean

    Bean Member

    Don't worry, no need to slap me across the face. She's not moving back in. But for those of you who have kicked your kid out on the "cold, hard streets" - maybe you can relate.

    My genteel little girl has been out of the house for 10 days now. She's staying with an older woman who gets SSI, about a mile from our house. On the bus line. In the city. Heated. With all of her clothes and bedding from our own house. In her own room. Not too bad, but not up to the standards that my daughter would like (free ride, laundry done, food stocked -- aka OUR house).

    As uncomfortable as she is, she's not yet run screaming for a day job. Fancy that!? She's been here maybe every other day for a meal and a sandwich packed for the next day, as she is "starving" and needs nourishment. We have her here for short spells, feed her, watch her like a hawk. Part because we don't trust her, and part for her to understand that when you steal from people (the catalyst for her leaving our house), they lose trust in you. Weird, eh?

    I do feel badly, because the mommy in me doesn't really like to see her kids suffer - pretty standard, I'm guessing. Even if it is by her own stupidity/laziness, it's not fun to watch. But, we've had times in the past where she was out for weeks at a time (as a teen) with God knows who, smoking/drinking/popping God knows what. This situation is not the same. Similar, at times, but not the same.

    Like this weekend when she calls at 3am saying she just got back from a hotel party and can't get in the apartment (bad neighborhood), and will we come get her?

    No. We will not.

    Easy to tell your daughter no when she's standing out in the middle of the night in a bad area with a dying cellphone? No. It's risky. She's got to learn if she wants to party, she needs to figure out how to do that on her own. Sleeping on a porch one night might be helpful to her.

    Having her here in our home put me too close to the border of having to parent her again as a child, too close to co-dependency. With her out of the house, I don't know that she is safer or making better choices. Probably not. But it isn't wrapping ME/US up to suffer the consequences of her poor decisions.

    The boys seem to be functioning a bit better.
    The house is quieter, less chaotic.
    I'm able to focus more on the other children, trying to turn the big ship back around and focus on a steadier path.
    Our evenings are a bit calmer.
    My mornings are not interrupted by screaming matches, trying to get a grown adult out of the house to job hunt.
    I don't feel like I have to catch up with her and play police - if she doesn't work, her situation doesn't change, and she's accountable to herself.

    As much as she wants to come back, I know that would not be beneficial to me or to her or to anyone else in this house.

    My goal(s) are to:
    Remain hopeful that she will be able to learn from her decisions and take responsibility for her own life and wellness (however looooooooooong that might take).

    For me to continue steps in the way of healthy detachment.

    Please remind me of this post if I come back here weak and caving. Thankyouverymuch.
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I pray I am able to join you in another year!!! Good for you momma for keeping your ground!! It is true, if we always allow them to come back they learn nothing...
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Way To Go, Beaner! You're a strong woman!
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Prayers for continued serenity in your home, courage to stay the course, and wisdom to know if/when you're getting off track.

  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good job. She will figure it out eventually, when she runs up against enough brick walls. May I suggest a next step; I'd cut back on letting her eat there so often; every other day is pretty generous of you. Maybe once a week for a family dinner, if you're up to it. I promise, she will not starve .. it'll be one more incentive for her to work, if she's hungry. If it makes it easier for you, you could buy her a bag of groceries, but I'd encourage her to find/make her own meals.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending many hugs...in the back of my mind, I wonder if we'll have to get to this point with Miss KT.
  7. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Hang in there!!!!!!!!!!! Read my post, my son was homeless, since I posted he went inpatient psy. unit. I was told by
    SW he was sleeping on a baseball field for a week and the police told him he had to go; said he would kill himself so they transported him to hospital. Stayed for 3 days; I have heard from my older son(I can't communicate with him I have a restraining order against him).
    Anyway, says he is staying with friends.
    Stay strong, they must learn from thier mistakes, but it kills us unside!
  8. Bean

    Bean Member

    Thanks all for the support, encouragement, camaraderie and hugs. I do appreciate it.
  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Bean, I think you have a good plan. Once she changes her behavior, then she can reap the benefits of having a family that loves her. It's all in her hands.
  10. clive

    clive Clive

    I don't get a chance to get on here too often. I think if I started posting I'd end up spending countless hours doing it, there's so much to talk about with my situation. But every once in a while I take a peek to see if there is a discussion that's particularly relevant to what's going on with my own daughter, and this one is so close to my own story it's scary. We kicked her out this past Monday, for stealing (and selling the merchandise to a pawn shop, which I contacted and will fortunately be able to retrieve). We told her rehab or out. She opted for "out". Last night, middle of the night, a phone call from her, asking for me to come and get her. She was obviously very drunk and/or high. I declined to get her, and turned my phone off. Expecting to hear from her today again.

    We took her back in after a similar situation a few months ago: she moved out, at our insistence (this was after totaling her car, drunk) to an apartment in a really bad neighborhood. We did pick her up a couple times a week, brought her home to do laundry and eat some food, and every time I drove her back to the apartment in this neighborhood I felt a bit fearful for her safety. Then one morning (after she'd been there for about 2 weeks), I got a hysterical phone call from her, telling me that her apartment had been broken into and she had been raped. Of course, I rushed to pick her up and bring her home to safety, filled with feelings guilt and regret. As the scenario played out, she was unable to remember any details of the assault -- she said she had taken some sleeping pills, and was visibly groggy when I picked her up -- and aside from a visit to a clinic on the way home from getting her, she has never followed up with any counseling, or been willing to discuss anything about the incident. Which leads me to wonder, naturally, just what happened.

    Anyway, despite promises to look for a job, get serious about school, etc., she fell back into old habits, and here we are again, probably about to face a decision regarding what to do when the next phone call comes. Thanks for sharing your story Bean, maybe we can all learn something from our similar tales.
  11. Bean

    Bean Member

    Clive, I have to thank you as well. As much as it gives me chills and brings a little sadness to my eyes hearing about your family's woes, it helps to know there are others out there with similar struggles. Reading about your daughter's assault and your ponderings on what really happened, just - ugh. Been there, Clive. I hate to admit it, but I've been there. My daughter has been calling daily with tales of drama regarding one thing or another (boyfriend, friends, her health, etc.). I've become somewhat numb to it all. I listen without committing much, and go about my day. Right now it is the only way I can really cope. I'm not sure I'm actually doing the best at coping, but I'm managing. I'm hopeful for improvement. For myself, my husband, and for her.
  12. clive

    clive Clive

    Kind of sad, but that's about the best we can do sometimes. Becoming numb, going about our lives. Maybe not the best possible way for things to play out, but coping, managing. It's better than being embroiled in drama, tension and turmoil, which is the typical state when our daughter is living at home.

    She called me this morning and said she won't go into rehab, but would like to go into a 3/4 house. After some back and forth debate, I told her, fine, find a 3/4 house that will take you, with no money, or prospects for income. But, in the meantime, she's not coming back home, she will have to remain in the uncomfortable lodging she's in at the moment. Ironically-- when she left home a few days ago, she took my cell phone charger. She had lost hers a while back, and I have the same phone as her. So, at one point this morning, in numerous texts back and forth, I had to tell her "my phone is almost dead, so I won't be able to take anymore messages from you..." (till I get my charger back, or get a new one.) She called me and told me I could drive to where she's at and get the charger, or wait till Friday, when she can get a ride back to our house. I told her I can wait till Friday.
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are doing good, you really are!

  14. Bean

    Bean Member

    Way to go, Clive. Hang in there buddy. PM me if you want. Would be happy to swap stories.

    My daughter is almost at the end of 2 weeks being out and she went to school today to get help with her final HSED test. Progress, small, but it is progress. I have no idea what she's doing outside of that really - and I kind of don't want to know. But it is no longer one of my daily issues.
  15. WiltedFlower

    WiltedFlower Guest


    I can really relate - reading our post. It brought some realities back to me about my daughter, and unfortunately, what we have ahead of us. I admire your strength...I know it is hard to do.