11 yr old obsessed with mother

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bobbarker, Nov 2, 2009.

  1. bobbarker

    bobbarker New Member

    My 11 yr old boy is obsessed with being with his mother. Although he has been told by her "she doesn't love him and doesn't want him around.
    In the past 9 yrs it has been a yo-yo with visitation rights to see her.
    She has some type mental problems, also she can't stay off drugs and alcohol very long at a time. After many consults with her, saying just protect this boy, she agrees for the time we are talking to her but very shortly she returns to drugs. It seems my son also has the same mental problem as her, but the dr. can not diagnose it.
    After his last visitation, he said she stayed on the chatrooms on the internet the whole weekend he was there. Allowing him to wander the streets alone, cooking his own meals, etc. while she chatted with her friends on facebook.
    I will not allow a 11 yr old to take care of himself unsupervised for a whole weekend.
    Now he is in constant trouble at home, saying he thinks this will cause me to send him to live with his mother. I've tried everything from grounding
    grom tv and games, to timeout, and writing sentences as punishment.
    Nothing matters to him, he is obsessed with trying to get his mother to give him the love and attention he needs from her. I don't know what to do, he certainly isn't safe at her house. help!!!!!!
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    He needs to be in counseling. The counselor will help him process his grief over the loss of his relationship with his mother, his guilt over her illness and the issues surrounding his illness. If you current psychiatrist can't diagnosis him, find a new one.

    I'm so sorry that she cannot put her son first.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He needs a neuropsychologist evaluation to see if he has any budding psychiatric or neurological disorders. If you don't know what's wrong with him, he can't be helped. Did she drink while pregnant? That could affect him big time.

    Also, he needs to be in therapy. Many kids want to be with the parent who rejects them...it's sad. Also, sounds like he has no supervision. He may like that too. Very hard to tell. He needs professional evaluations and help.

    What's the custody arrangement? Can you try to get him supervised visits? As long as he is there without anyone watching, she will not watch him.

    Welcome to the board, but sorry you had to come.
  4. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Ah, the poor kid! I feel so bad for him. That longing for a mom is very strong. I hope you can find a therapist who will take his feelings seriously, he deserves that respect!
  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think it's really important for us, the solid parent, to remember that our children do not have our perspective as adults. All they know is that they want love, acceptance and care from their parents. They are forgiving and forgetful when it comes to their mom and dad.

    Your son believes he needs his mom and that she will eventually love him above all else. He needs to see a therapist that can help him sort out the reality vs his child-need. He needs someone gentle and understanding.

    I believe, were I in your case, that I would start there. Many of his behaviors could stem from the self image his mother has given him. Mental illness has its strongest component in genetics. Eventually his therapist can recommend a psychiatrist or a neuropdoc that can test and diagnosis your son.

    Why his doctor won't diagnosis him is beyond me, but it's a clear sign that you need another doctor. But I feel strongly about addressing the issues with his mother first. Just my opinion.

    Welcome to the board. I hope your son gets help soon - I feel for him.

  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I second LDM. It seems obvious to me that his strong desire to be with his mother is because he hasn't gotten anything substantial from her- it's not his mother his craving, it's the relationship he's never had. I feel for him.
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Nothing worse than feeling "mom" doesn't love you & chooses others, things, etc before you. That "mom" has abandoned you.

    Saying that, when my tweedles were placed with my me & my husband we had many of the same issues. We never said anything negative about bio mom (until they were much older & more aware of her as a person & in therapy); took lots of extra time to nurture both kt & wm.

    You difficult child needs to be built up emotionally; he is lovable. Until he believes that he will struggle with obsession with mom.

    The book Parenting the Hurt Child, while it's for adoptive/foster parents, offers many ways to nurture that difficult child won't even be aware of.

    I'm not sure if the book has been updated but holding therapies have been outlawed in many states. I'm suggesting this for the nurturing ideas. It's amazing what an "abandoned" child will present.

    Good luck in your journey with your son. Keep us updated.
  8. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    My heart goes out to your son. I myself was that child. My mother was mentally ill (still never quite "stable"). I was different in that she was a single parent, so we ended up in foster care. I am sure it might have felt different if I'd had a involved father to live with.

    I remember the child protection workers shaking their heads when I protected and defended my mother. Absolutly being around her was a risk to me in many ways. She was completly incapable of parenting. Yet I was a kid and not knowing anything other than that it felt like she could be a mother if I'd help her be one, I did alot of self harm in thinking that I was going to be able to do a thing to fix or cure or change her.

    True healing came for me through a counsellor. It was literally like helping assist the death of a dream, a childhood unrealistic fantasy, before I could mourn the loss of a mother in the sense that other children had them. I had to let go of expectations. I had to take her off that pedestal I had placed her in, and bring myself back down to earth and see her for what she was. A seriously troubled, unstable person incapable. Not unwilling. But incapable.

    I truly do believe your son would benefit from a counsellor to help him accept who is mom is and what it means for his future. He's not going to find that Cleaver Family Mom waiting for him on visits. He's not going to have it. Period. It hurts. It is a shame children ever need to face these realities. Yet in the long run, when he can accept it and heal from how bad that hurts, he'll be so much better off for it. And truthfully, I'm certain your son knows deep inside that she is what she is. But its hard as a child (heck, as an adult!) to accept that people can't love us enough to do whatever it takes to be in our lives. Its a pretty out there concept for a child to understand that some people don't have an ability to process and do something about their issues. Having someone independent to talk to that can help him come to terms with this can only benefit your son, and your family.

    I wish you and your son well. No child should know this feeling. Its a shame that so many do.