13 year old refuses to bathe and 7 year old still cussing us out :(

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, Dec 31, 2013.

  1. Confused

    Confused Guest

    So much for a great New Year and trying to start a new tradition with a dinner and watching the ball drop on TV... I refuse and my daughter doesn't care but son is upset. Why should I? For what? I forced myself the last two years with problems because I felt guilty if I didn't with my kids with our tradition. I am really starting to have more problems with my daughter- besides her being overly quite, and her rarely showing emotion, she flat out refuses to bathe! And when she finally gets in after me harassing her, she doesn't bathe correctly. I mean she doesn't use but a drop if any shampoo and I see no dirt coming off her skin.. the smell factor is there esp now its been soooo long. I have talked to her nicely, made deals, told her no friends, no going outside ..no electronics, let her know at her age its even more important than ever to shower! Told her how proud I am or how pretty she smells when she has..I bought scrubbies, body washes, new tub mats, towels but still nothing. Its a battle during school days too always says "in the morning, or I just got changed or" you keep bugging me about it are u gonna stop". Morning comes and full blown fight!!! I mean it is noticeable and besides people making comments of her lack of speech and emotion, the bathing comments are starting from them.. peers aren't having much to do with her. She used to love baths!!!

    Shes so sensitive/nervous/intimidated that she stopped trying to learn to ride a bike, refuses math tuters even a female, I mean I just dont know! She refuses testing and said if I try that she will never speak with me again and I will have to drag in her to the doctors.. she already has nothing to do with some family for various reasons... I know Im the mom and she has no say.. but with her grades overall good, why push her to be tested? My son, well since he has been sick hes mainly been mouthy and just cussing at us demanding us to shutup and I took stuff away for him to earn back.. hahahha.

    And now they wont take care of their pets unless we harp and harp.. now I know what you all are going to say... kids will be kids and most lose interest and quit so its the parents responsibility to take over. Now, I understand to a point BUT when my sis and I were kids my family instilled/ drilled it in us that if we dont care for them they pets are gone!!! We took care of them even days we felt lazy. I know my kids are wired different as u all say and I have to take that into consideration but they can spend hours on computers, laptops, playing outside, wii, sports etc.... they can sure take a few minutes out to care for the pets. Im firm on that!!! I have seen some kids with mental or physical disabilities and they still care for the pet. Will I allow the kids anymore pets ever? No! Not even a cricket!!!! So I dont want to get rid of the pets, just thinking of claiming them as mine....
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Of course you're a good mom.

    More and more to me it sounds like she is a spectrum kid. Lots of them either obsess over cleanliness because they can't stand the feeling of dirt or won't bathe because the feel of water/soap is a sensory problem. Also, they tend not to care what others think of them (reject social norms). It is hard for me even now to get my son to shower. He is twenty and moving out soon. He HAS gotten better with bathing, but, really, often he is quite ripe and I have to cheerfully tease him into showering and I don't know if he is really lathering up or just turning on the water.

    It's time though for you to start taking care of yourself while you try to puzzle out your children. None of this is your fault and you do deserve "me" time and less chaos. One thing that will probably help is to stop trying to make your home one of a traditional home. Your kids are differently wired so it won't work to try to fit them into a white picket fence. That doesn't mean don't enjoy the holidays. Just have lowered and more open expectations. They will likely always respond differently than regularly wired kids.

    Heck, Sonic doesn't even enjoy the holidays and he's a good young man. But he thinks the traditions are silly. (He does enjoy the eating part...teehee).

    Have a relaxing day. I forgot to ask...have you ever read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? If you live by that, things should be much better, at least for YOU and YOU matter!!!

    Happy New Year :) Many blessings.
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I really like what MWM said. It is time to take care of you (which I know is easier said than done).
    I remember when easy child/difficult child had major fits when we forced her to see a therapist but we did push the issue and she ended up appreciating it. However, I'm not saying that is what you need to do. All of our kiddos react so differently. Sending gentle hugs your way.
  4. loves_rainy_days

    loves_rainy_days New Member

    My 11yr old refuses to bathe also. I have bought anything and everything to try and get him to shower and he still refuses. Says he does not stink and doesn't need to shower. Also says he doesn't have time to. He has plenty of time to, everything has been taken away to get him to take a shower but nothing works. He has not had one since Thanksgiving day.

    ~J~ Struggling to help The Pickle and missing his smile and his bright eyes that now seem to be forever dark
    ~The Gentle Giant~ Pickles dad, who has given up everything to help The Pickle
    ~TAG~ 21yr old son of J diagnosis Good kid with a big heart and a mouthy lil bugger
    ~Dillpickle aka The Pickle~ 11yrs old diagnosis severe ADHD, ruled out Autism & Reactive Attachment Disorder. diagnosis he gave himself: Fake autism, dementia, alzheimer's,
    ~Mr Excuse~ 14yr old son of J. diagnosis Epilepsy, Hemianopsia, Hemiparesis, 12yr brain tumor survivor. Has some learning disabilities and an excuse for everything.
    ~The Fur Children~ Diesel aka Pretty Boy, Zoey aka Trouble Maker, Felix aka The Naughty Boy and can not forget Twelvy the Turtle diagnosis Napoleon Complex
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Confused, I like your idea of claiming the pets as yours. Have a family meeting and give the kids one week to shape up. If they don't take care of the pets in that time, then they become yours. Period. Let them scream and cry. (The kids, not the pets. :) )
    I agree, your daughter does sound like she's on the spectrum. I would take her to a pediatrician appointment, but only after you have talked to him about her possibly being on the spectrum and having anxiety issues, in addition to not bathing and other things. (Actually, I think bathing IS an anxiety issue, as well as transition.) My son didn't start showering with-o my nagging him until he got a girlfriend. :) And now we're battling dental issues.
    I think that once you get her on something for anxiety, it will help a lot.
    In the meantime, I don't know how you get her to do thing ... I just take away things when my son doesn't cooperate. It worked when he was little but it took me forever to figure out what he valued. Sounds mean but hey, they've got to learn life skills. Then, of course, you give her a reward. Take her to the store and let her pick out a special scent for shampoo or something so she feels empowered.
  6. LoonyAlana

    LoonyAlana Member

    I feel your pain! Wish I had more to offer, but my oldest son went through a phase like that when he was younger... pretty much the thing that got through to him was his friends flat-out telling him he smelled. Once he realized his friends didn't want to be around him, he did a 180 and now showers long and more often than I do. I let him pick out his own stuff, and now I get bowled over by Axe or OldSpice whenever he showers. Best of luck to you.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nobody ever tells my twenty year old stinky son (and he is ripe at times) that he stinks. I think that would maybe work. He is an adult of course and on the spectrum and spectrum kids either seem to go two ways...either thay are germ phobic and shower too often or they don't care about societal norms and don't see what the big fuss is about being clean.

    We never pushed it. We had bigger fish to fry like helping him learn to become independent and he does shower more often now. Spectrum kids are different and not all of them become even 90% like others nor do all of them care if they are like others. My own son is a very happy person and accepts himself the way he is, even if he doesn't shower as often as a grown man should...lol. He does have a lot of people who like him at work because he is a good person...on the other hand, he has tons of cavities. Can't make him care about brushing/flossing either. He just goes to get them filled. Otherwise he is doing very well considering where he started out.

    We can't make them care if they don't. We can force it while they still live at home (and often create drama over it), but once they move onto independent living of whatever sort they can, we have no control over what they do with their bodies. My son is going into semi-independent housing next year. I hope he brings a toothbrush...lol.
  8. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    You can count me in with those who have one who doesn't shower too. Mine is 15 though he started not showering about 13 and it got progressively worse. The absolute worst was during the summer of when he was 14! OMG! He went 3 weeks and refused to shower. It was horrendous. Thankfully he wasn't in school during that time but just prior he was and it was a very big battle to get him to shower. He stunk really bad. He is partial to a zipper sweatshirt of his and wore it daily to school. So even on the days he showered (which was maybe twice a week if we were lucky) he still smelled. The kids got at him for smell, the teachers got at him AND they started calling ME at home. I talked with the school about the issues and he has a worker who goes to school so thankfully that helped or else they were ready to call CPS over it. The 1 teacher who was his SPED case manager and was well aware of his issues and the fact that we were dealing with it turned around and made a big deal of it and embarrassed him and handed him soap and deodorant in front of others! That was really bad for and to him and she should have known better considering all the other issues going with him.

    Nothing we've done has worked with him very much. Once in a while a bribe can work. No consequences ever work. I fell for you. I know the smell is horrible. He can stink up the whole room he is in.

    As for your younger one who cusses, we have that here to. All 3 of mine will curse a lot! I've been trying to break that for years and it's just not happening. I learned over the years that I had bigger battles to deal with with them. I do ask them to not speak to me like that and use the curses. Most times they will at least respect me about that and do it. Sometimes not.

    I wish I had magical answers for you but I don't. Maybe you will get lucky and it will change with peer pressure or as he matures. No one can say as they are each different.

    I'm behind you and offering support though since I've been there done that and still going through it! ;)
  9. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Angel got so ripe one time I threw her into the tub with Johnson's lavender baby bath dress and all - 9 days in that velvet dress she flat out stunk couldn't handle it anymore, not my best parenting moment I have to admit.

    Funny thing my youngest loved bathes and wasn't a problem until some know it all therapist decided to put up a sticker chart and listed bathing as one of the reward items. Been a problem ever since get calls from teachers, I provide soap, deodorant & perfume not much more I can do... if I let stuff like this get to me I WILL LOSE IT so I don't.

    The pets here are mine! My name is on their vet info, if animal welfare knocks on the door I'm the one accountable. I make sure they have food, water, clean litter etc. yes the kids help and each of the girls kick in $30 a month support for "their" kitty and they are welcome to take it with them whenever they move out; but I am the caregiver and anything under my roof or porch (eating here) is my responsibility.

    On a side note if anyone wants a kitty and willing to drive to Michigan I can totally HOOK YOU UP! just private message me and let me know if need a barn cat or a lap cat. Nothing leaves my custody without being neutered or vaccinated for rabies.

    Confused I've read enough of your posts to get it - you know what you are doing you just have your hands full and are overwhelmed, it happens to the best of us and we are here for you. Keep working on getting those evaluations done, it will get better eventually - promise and when you need to vent go for it; no judgement here.

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is about the pets.

    I'm kind of into pet rescue and we tell parents never to buy a child a pet. If a pet comes to live with you, it is your pet. Adults own pets, not kids. A pet is dependent on humans for care and kids are spacy, forgetful, and they get tired of the pets. in my opinion if the adults don't want the pet, and all the care it involves, it is best not to bring the pet home. The poor thing will probably end up in a shelter, maybe euthanized, all because a child wouldn't take responsibility for it. A pet can be great comfort for a child and some kids take a lot of responsibility for their pets, but a kid is a kid is a kid. And if the kid gets tired of the pet and doesn't want to care for it, the pet still needs you...the adult.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Just found out a cpl wks ago that my son, who has been showering about 3X a wk, has not been washing his hair. He just gets it wet.
    One step forward, two steps back.
  12. jugey

    jugey Active Member

    My difficult child went through a bad hygiene phase too. It seemed the more attention I gave it, the more she resisted. This is typical of all our issues. So as hard as it was I ignored it and only vented about it when she wasn't around. Eventually it resolved itself and now she's in the shower much longer than we'd like!!! I'm zipping it about that too though!

    I would take back the pets! They deserve proper care and attention.