14 year old aspergers child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lavndrose, Feb 18, 2010.

  1. lavndrose

    lavndrose New Member

    Hi. My name is Sarah. I have two sons, 14 and 12. The older one has aspergers, diagnosed (finally) at age 12. Till then they called it ADHD. It seems to be much more than either of these. He has many services, has been on many medicines, and is still out of control. He does and says strange and often disturbing things. He can become violent, destructive, enraged, moody. It became much worse with puberty, of course. He cannot express himself well. After his last hospitalization in the mental hospital they got him taking triliptal, but then insurance wouldn't cover it so they are bouncing him around from tegretol to depakote, all with no success. The poor kid is melting down, and it is so stressful to live with that his brother and I both need antidepressants and we can barely cope. Our home is under seige by a child who is often a tyrant, can be abusive, breaks things, screams, and is very oppositional. On the inside he's a really sweet boy, but whatever his brain and/or hormones are doing is messing up his life. I have kidney failure from lupus and am to have a transplant at any time. I have not ever really had anyone who can relate to what I go through. He often does not show much of these behaviors outside the home around others, but now that he cant take abilify any more his normal problems are showing up at school. Some of the more inappropriate things he says and does around other children can get him in a lot of trouble and really worry me. I have had the police here many times to deal with him and even the fire department to try to curb his fascination with fire. I am a single mother and have limited resources, or I'd take him for neurofeedback or something because the medicines and therapies have done no good for him. He has high intelligence but less than 50% of the mental processing ability of other kids, and he is immature in many ways. But he is now bigger and stronger than me, and a lot to take care of. The appointments and all the drama and high maintenance he requires and constant supervision and intervention are exhausting and take up all our time and resources and energy. My other son and I feel like we have no life, and yet I feel really bad for my older son because he doesn't want to be like this and I know how hard life is for him, too. CPS is already monitoring the situation but they don't really have any answers to offer. Seems like no one does right now.
  2. MICHL

    MICHL New Member

    Did the abilify help before? If so, why can't he take that now? My difficult child is 14 3/4. His diagnosis is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)/not otherwise specified & ADD, & has all the same behaviors as your son.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome! So sorry you have to find us.
    Best of luck with-your lupus and kidneys. I have a friend with-lupus and her children are grown and she can take a nap at the exact same time every day. She is very regimented.
    Which leads me to my first suggestion--a schedule. A regimen. A routine.
    That is so essential for Aspies.
    My son is Aspie, too. We have had moments like you have had but not as many, from what I can tell. Plus, I don't see any sign of a husband. Can you write a profile signature with-your family info like the ones we have? My poor brain won't remember everything ea time I read your notes! :)
    The second thing I would suggest is to have wheat and dairy removed from the house. Learn to cook (just what you need, eh? ;) ) rice crusts and use rice or almond milk. Since you know his brain has improper processing speed, it should come as no surprise that his body isn't processing food correctly, either.
    Have you read any books on Asperger's? It sounds like you're pretty well set with-as many services as possible, but I would suggest an adult or very assertive, older teen who comes in to help several times a week.
    Can you get your son to go to school? That should give you a break.
    What sorts of strange behaviors does he have? (My son urinated in the closet for a cpl yrs!! and he still wets the bed on occasion.)
    My son is on Adderall and Imiprimine, with-clonidine as needed. The clonidine REALLY helps with-rages.
    Do you have a scrip for it? Can you get one? That's what the use quite frequently in psychiatric hospital because it works so fast.
    I'm glad you and your other son are at least on antidepressants so you don't kill one another! I know how awful it can be. And you may not have to stay on them forever.
    I assume you are all in therapy? Have you found a therapist who knows about Aspies?

    Have you seen the movie ADAM? You may want to rent it. Fabulous. There are only one or two meltdowns but you can see them coming.
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2010
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. As a single mom, are there any relatives who can help? Maybe he could go stay with one of these people for a while? It really is crucial for you and your other son to get respite.

    At 14 your Aspie probably needs a male to enforce rules. It was crucial for us. My son actually was beating me (wanting to) anytime I "bothered" him. He wound up living with my parents, where he lives to this day. It made a HUGE difference. My husband didn't really "click" with him or understand him, in spite of being his biodad. He also was not home as he commuted 90 min each way to work. My parents are close by, and always involved in Wiz' life. It was that, a long stay at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), or give him up to the juvie system. I pressed charges for domestic violence and my dad begged for a chance before we sent him to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

    There IS hope, but you have to get through this. CPS may be your best hope. It may be that a therapeutic foster home is needed for him. He just may not be safe to have living in your home, esp with your health. Kids like ours take a HUGE toll on our health. I went from having long term problems but functioning to being hardly able to walk. Literally. I am fighting my way back but it is SLOW.

    This is an awesome source of support. Keep posting and you will find a whole world of advice, help, ideas and friendship.

  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Sorry you're having such a rough time. I hope the transplant can get set up soon for you.

    My older son didn't get his Asperger's diagnosis until he was 14. Like you, we always knew there was something more but nobody could tell us what. It was when difficult child 3 was diagnosed as autistic, that we finally got difficult child 1 reassessed too.

    A lot of the raging etc can be due to these kids processing information differently, yet we try to handle them with the same discipline techniques that seemed to work so well on us when we were kids, and which seem to be fine with our other kids. But these kids - often it's a disaster.

    But tere are other diiscipline techniques which can really work with these kids, giving you a turnaround in behaviour. Also, the same techniques are fine for the other kids too. In a way, I see it as an evolution in discipline methods because you're actually stepping the kid forward in training (even if you think they can't handle it). It bypasses a couple of stages, often the stages causing problems.

    For info, read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. There are a lot of recommendations for this on this site, and we don't get paid a cent! (pity)
    To save you from going out and buying every book recommended to you, get it out of the library first.

    difficult child 1 used to have a fascination for fire. He had made friends with a tobacconist who gave hi old fancy lighters that were broken. difficult child 1 would repair them then leave them in various places, fully charged. He had tins of lighter fluid in various places, we even found them under the couch and in his bed! I kept confiscating matches, lighters and lighter fluid and locking it all up.

    difficult child 1 is my success story no 1. He's still got a way to go, but the positive side of Asperger's is increasingly obvious. He is loyal, loving, meticulous in his work, and scrupulously honest. As a result he engenders loyalty towards him in those people around him.

    The teen years were not easy. They're not easy with difficult child 3, but we're making much better progress now we're trying a different discipline approach.

  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ah yes, the fire thing.

    Our difficult child got over it relatively quickly, with-the time-honored method seen in books, and recommended by our therapist, that we buy an aluminum bucket, fill it with-water, and have difficult child sit outside, supervised, and light 2,000 matches.
    I don't think he even got to 100.

    I kept an eye on him after that, but also gave him fire-lighting tasks, and watched him from around the corner. I told him to light the fire in the LR, or light the candles b4 a party. I wanted to see if he would play, and if so, how much.

    In fact, he was scared and asked me to help him!

    Go figure.

    He's much better now, but there have been a cpl or small setbacks.

    Take heart.
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Do you have anything within your area called "Community Resources"? They have a variety of programs that include Intensive Intervention Services to finding Families that foster your child within their home and they're trained to handle them.

    This really stinks that you're all going through this, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm a pretty good "Googler" when it comes to finding resources in different communities. Once you're able to personal message, feel free to send me a pm with your city & state and I'll try to hunt some help down.

    Welcome to the crowd - so many of us have been fighting this fight for so long - we know where you are in the process!

  8. Crystal72

    Crystal72 New Member

    I know this is an older thread. It's just everything happening in my house..the different is,it's not an older sibling that is suffering. Yes,we have a 17 years old that can't wait to move out and a 6 years old that is constantly losing it due to his brother's manipulation.
    There are time I am praying someone will take him away..not hospital cos he was admitted but discharged without any resources or support given to us,beside a 21 grand hospital bill that the insurance refused to pay.
    Is there some kind of forster home or something like this that we could give the family a breather?
    Ok,I know it's crazy that a mother is asking for that but the whole family is tearing into pieces by him.no matter how much we read,how much we do....it's only getting worst,
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I know this thread rang your bells, but because it is an old thread, it is less likely that people will look here. Also the advice we might offer someone with a younger Aspie teen may not be what would be a good fit for your child.

    How about you sit down and write out your own thread on this? It should get you some responses that are much more applicable to your situation.

    I can't help you directly with services in your area, but if you were in my area the advice would be to call the local mental health groups (here, associated with public hospitals) and ask them for referral advice. Or self-help groups in a relevant area - ask them specifically about the services you are looking for in your area, and see if they can help.

    I hope this is also workable in your area.

  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Crystal, welcome.
    I'd still be fighting that insurance bill!
    People here have had their kids sent to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), which helps in regard to respite. Or, you can call your local mental health board or your private therapist and ask if they can come up with-names and #s for respite svcs.
    Today, I spoke to Visiting Angels, who help out with-my elderly cousin, who has dementia, pain issues, etc. and asked them if 1) they have any male caregivers (yes), and 2) if they could send someone here the next time I go out of town (yes again). Funny, help right under my nose and I didn't think of it before. Of course, it's self-pay but it's only once in a while. And it's nowhere near that huge hospital bill!