14 year old "dating" 19 year old - UHGHGH!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by daralex, May 6, 2009.

  1. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Sorry this is long . . .

    So I know this will all sound crazy, but bear with me. difficult child is being homeschooled and has NO friends. I allow her to go onto a site online called Stickam where she uses a "camera" to see people she is talking to. She is gay and goes ino the lesbian chat rooms. I wake her at 11am and she has a bedtime of 1am. Reason being - these "friends" are her only means of communication with the outside universe. I also work from home from 6am-2:30pm - so I cannot start "school" until the afternoon so I don't mind her sleep schedule. It has all actually been ok until now. She met a 19 yr old online (difficult child is just turning 15) and before I knew it she tells me the 19 yr old (ADULT!) is moving here from New Mexico (we're in NY) and can she stay with us?! No job, no place to live, Uh - NOT!) So somehow she arranges for the 19 yr old to stay with someone she knows and will be supposedly moving here in June!!

    Today's issue - I was woken up at 5am (I don't get up until 5:45am and was VERY upset to say he least) from her talking to the 19 yr old! I don't want to take her phone away altogether because between that and the internet it is all she has and would throw a fit the size of Texas if I did which I am trying to avoid. Our computer automatically shuts off at night - so that is safe, but just got off with the phone company and there is no way to do that with the phone. I go to bed before she does so I don't take the phone from her when I go to bed.

    So question/dilemma is this - We are VERY close - I do not want to push her away from me. I have told her she is NOT allowed to "date" anyone more than 2 years older than her - this has been house rule forever. I am very worried that if 19 yr old moves here difficult child will try to sneak out to see her (yes, I am going to enable the GPS on her phone so I can track her). She does not know I can view her call log online. How do I get her to leave the 19 yr old alone? I could block her number on difficult child's phone but I'm sure 19 yr old would just call from another phone.

    I am VERY concerned and I guess am trying to figure out the least painful way to stop this insanity. I am with difficult child 24 hrs a day and I must say I am not emotionally able to deal with a huge blow out - it would be horrible for days and would push her even further towards this 19 yr old creep. Thoughts? Suggestions?
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    OWWWWW. I'm sending you hugs. I've no idea how to keep the explosion down...

    If this person actually moves from across the country, keep tabs on difficult child - when/if they meet it's sort of simple... Call the cops. There are laws about adults and children. The closest a 14-y/o could get would be a 17-y/o and even that is viewed dimly.

    If difficult child is with you 24/7, how are they going to actually "date"?
  3. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I really don't see how they could? They talk a lot on the phone, but she is literally with me 24/7 except for Fridays when she goes to her Teen Lesbian club - but even then - the club provides transportation door to door. I just want to be prepared as I can be because I feel something brewing. I would absolutely call thye cops if any contact was made. difficult child thinks she's so smart and tells me it's ok legally if she has parental permission - I inform her hat she does not and will not. She just seems to have a strong emotional connection to this girl and I am worried she will do something stupid. Let's hope it won't be as bad as I think.

  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Wow! I agree- this is not an acceptable relationship and there's no way I would let that 19yo move in. It siounds like your relationship with your daughter has gotten a little too much like friends at the sacrafice of parenting. Somehow, your roll as the parent needs to be re-established, in my humble opinion. And this means that you will need to be willing to go thru a few of those fits. Don't think that she doesn't sense that she can do what she wants because you don't want to deal with the repercussions she'll give otherwise. Personally, I think you need to just prepare yourself for some difficult changes and find other ways for her to have a more acceptable social life- this one has to go.

    Just my 2 cents.
  5. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    klmno - thanks for the 2 cents. I guess I am just so worn down from being with her all the time that the thought of an outright fit send shivers down my spine. I am so tired of having bad days. I know I need to put on my warrior paint and get back into the battle - I am just so tired. I love difficult child with all my heart - I just don't like her much lately - she's just sucking the life right out of me.

  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I agree with klmno about reestablishing your role as the parent.

    Emotional vampire?

    If she is with you all the time - when do you have time for you?

    Also something to chew on... If she doesn't have many friends, this could be why her attachment to this person is so strong. I was like that for years. To the exclusion of everything and everyone else.

    I know the blowups won't be fun & games but it looks like you will have to weather a few... More hugs 'cause these hoover.
  7. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Thanks stepto2,
    I guess I know what I am suposed to do. There are just more days than not lately when I feel like I just can't do it for one more day. I guess neither me nor difficult child are going to be happy campers today.

  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ok, I think I would be looking at summer programs, picking out a few acceptable/affordable ones and giving her the choice of one or two to pick but making her find something to do this summer. She needs out of the house around kids her own age and you need the break from her. Period. She's too young for the lifestyle she is living.
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Yeah... But sometimes what you have to do and what you want to do bear absolutely no resemblance whatsoever to one another. For instance, I have to go home and cook dinner tonight. I'd rather hop a plane to the Caymans.

    difficult child 1 is about the same age as your difficult child. Similar issues, different situation. I dunno here, maybe I am out of line but... When I was about that age I wasn't sure if I was heterosexual or not. difficult child 1 has gone through a (thankfully brief) "bi" stage. difficult child feeling that she is a lesbian (I hate the negative connotations of that word!) is probably adding to some of her stress. Although... Given what she's been through... I can't say I'm surprised.

    Like klmno pointed out though, you're the parent. So you get to decide. Of course, that also makes you the one who has to deal with the fallout... Sigh. No easy way around this. You, my friend, need a day off.
  10. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I agree - I am looking into getting her a job this summer that would be with kids her age. She is too young for this lifestyle I have let her create. I will just die if I have to spend the summer like this.
  11. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I would also let the 19 yo know that you don't want/approve of a relationship due to the age difference and that you would prosecute if she didn't respect that.
  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Dara, I agree with the advice that Klmno and StepTo2 have given you.

    It will be painful and it will likely cause exactly the big blowout you've been fearing, but I think it needs to happen.

    I can understand your daughter being confused, and seeking out people in similar situations for advice and company. But can you be sure of the kind of information she's been getting from these online forums? With your daughter's history of abuse, she might have a lot of confusion about her sexual identity, and might need help from a therapist or other person to sort out her feelings. I don't know that an online companion site where people are looking for relationships is the right environment for your daughter to figure that out. If she's interacting with people who already know for certain that they are gay, she may be pressured into taking a stand one way or another, and then have trouble retreating from it later if she realizes that this is just a phase.

    I also wonder about the 19-year-old. Does she really think it's acceptable to be taking up with a 14-year-old girl? Around these parts, that qualifies as statutory rape, and I wouldn't be surprised if the laws are similar where you are.

    Sending a coat of polish for your Warrior Mom armour.

  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm just looking at it from the standpoint of where it is leading. I'm not ignoring that it will be he*11 for you for a while- but if it's that way now and it isn't stopped, what will it be like when she's 16 or 17yo? And, although it's more comfortable for her to deal with anxiety and the need for a social life this way, it isn't jhealthy for her and it's not helping her overcome it, I don't think. Plus, there are risks involved like this.
  14. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I gather that I should probably take her off the stickam site? Even without that she is a my space addict. I don't know that pulling the plug altogether would be a good thing for her, but I think I should probably find a way to get her off the stickam site. She has met several girls I am not thrilled with there, but she seems to find those kind of bad seeds no matter what. This is going to be the biggest blow out we've ever had - I just know it. I am cringing just thinking about it - this is going to be absolutely horrible - I just want to go hide somewhere.

    I am going to hide her online "camera" to start with and hide every breakable thing in my apartment because nothing will be left standing when she figures it out. Oh I am soooooo dreading this. How does everybody else do this every day? I consider myself a strong woman - but I have never felt so weak.

  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Dara, sometimes anticipation of something we're dreading can be so much worse than the actual thing itself. I HATE the feeling of expecting a difficult child meltdown. However, living through it is never quite as bad as worrying about what's going to happen.

    I suppose when you're in the middle of it, you're in crisis mode, so you're just dealing with whatever comes at you. Whereas, when you're thinking about what might happen, you've got all of the possibilities of every past difficult child meltdown in your mental reference library. It can get overwhelming.

    I do think it's a good idea to get your daughter off the Stikam site. It sounds like she's meeting inappropriate people there.

    I wonder, though...
    It might be that your difficult child feels she's in over her head. She's meeting these older girls and trying to maintain an air of sophistication that she's probably nowhere near ready for. She might have found herself stranded out there with no safe way to retreat. Having mom clamp down and forbid her to proceed might just give her the escape route she needs.

    I used to hang out with much older kids when I was in my early teens. 17 to 20, to my 13 or so. I was invited to a party at some guy's apartment, and knew there would be drugs and debauchery. I was afraid to decline, because I didn't want to lose my status as a "cool kid" with this group, however I was terrified that I'd get into a situation I couldn't handle. My difficult child-mom, for once in her life, didn't let me run wild as usual, and actually said no. I was able to tell them that I was benched and couldn't go out. I was so grateful, you have no idea. I wouldn't be surprised if to a certain extent your difficult child is feeling the same pressure.

    Hide the breakables, set the limits, and batten down the hatches.

  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think I would feel a little overwhelmed at pulling all that at once, too. I think I'd start with a good talk and pulling that camera- the camera situation makes me extremely nervous.
  17. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I have an appointment with a new therapist for her at 3pm today (Just me - so I can give history) I will tell her when I get back so she is not alone in the house. My biggest fear is that she will try to run away (which she hasn't done yet) or she will hurt herself (she used to cut herself and has threatened to kill her self once). I hope you're right and it won't be as bad as I think - but really I know it will. I have changed the house alert status form orange to red and am digging out my battle gear.
  18. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I just hacked into difficult child's stickam sight and this is what is posted on the 19 yr olds site!! No more stickam - I am so tempted to write back to this girl. I was an idiot to not check on this before - I feel so stupid!!!

    Hi. I am XXXX. I Am 19 Years Young. I Live In Las Cruces new Mexico. :D. In A month I am moving across the country to be with the most amazing girl ever in New York. My pumpkin Ally babeh. She is M I N E! Wooot. She makes my heart thump crazy like. I love her <3 My days are full of Bliss! I play Acoustic Guitar..sing..and write music. I enjoy long walks on the beach.sunsets. holding hands. kissing in the rain. LOL. and I Love both Sunsets and Sunrises. I Smoke and Drink and enjoy some Weedeez When it is there To be Smoked. haha.
  19. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Not an idiot, just trying to do right with what you have available to you. Trying to give the child some rope.

    Too bad the **** is in Las Cruces. That's a beautiful place - my grandparents used to live there & it is where I was conceived - I think. Memory's a bit fuzzy there!

    I wonder how a 19-y/o falls in love with someone she's never met. That's ludicrous. Attraction, sure. But you don't KNOW someone over the net.

    If you can, block the site. You're right, this has gone too far. This is predatory behavior.
  20. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I would respond on the 19-year old's page:

    Hi XXXXX,

    This is Ally babeh's mom. Ally is 14 years old. It is a criminal offense in New York for a 19 year old to kiss or romance a 14 year old. If you come near my child, I will prosecute.

    ---Keep it simple. Immediately after posting, strip everything off your daughter's site, "unfriend" everyone, and write stickam to cancel her account. When you go to bed, take all the phones into your room with you. If the 19 year old calls again, ask your local police to call her and warn her off.

    in my humble opinion your daughter needs to get involved with activities with kids her own age, and not just lesbians -- all kids. The park district likely has special recreation programs that would be good for her.

    I'm sorry you are going through this.