14 year old "dating" 19 year old - UHGHGH!!!
- Thread starter daralex
- Start date
daralex
Clinging onto my sanity
I messaged her:
This is Ally Babeh's mom! My daughter is 14 years old. You are not to call her or continue any other contact with her. This is predatory behavior. It is illegal in New York (and everywhere else) to try to romance a minor. If any of these actions continue I will be forced to contact the local police here and the authorities in New Mexico. I am disabling her stickam account and you are to have ANY FURTHER CONTACT WITH HER WHAT SO EVER. I am not kidding , I will follow through with the authorities if you continue to pursue my minor child. Do not plan on seeing her here in New York - you will not be able to do so.
Stepto2 - yes - they are able to see each other while they speak to each other online.
I AM ANTICIPATING A BLOWOUT WITH MY difficult child THAT WILL RIVAL THE DROPPING OF A NUCLEUR BOMB!!! LORD HELP ME.
This is Ally Babeh's mom! My daughter is 14 years old. You are not to call her or continue any other contact with her. This is predatory behavior. It is illegal in New York (and everywhere else) to try to romance a minor. If any of these actions continue I will be forced to contact the local police here and the authorities in New Mexico. I am disabling her stickam account and you are to have ANY FURTHER CONTACT WITH HER WHAT SO EVER. I am not kidding , I will follow through with the authorities if you continue to pursue my minor child. Do not plan on seeing her here in New York - you will not be able to do so.
Stepto2 - yes - they are able to see each other while they speak to each other online.
I AM ANTICIPATING A BLOWOUT WITH MY difficult child THAT WILL RIVAL THE DROPPING OF A NUCLEUR BOMB!!! LORD HELP ME.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
Better a nuclear blast than difficult child getting hurt.
Proud of you, very much so. I know what it takes to tell someone to leave your child alone. husband is working on a "polite" way to tell difficult child 1's former boyfriend to go away. because he will be 17 next week. And in Ohio, that's old enough. Besides, he's stringing her along anyway.
I'm sending you armor for tonight, and a lot of hugs. A few for difficult child, too, cuz she is gonna need them.
Proud of you, very much so. I know what it takes to tell someone to leave your child alone. husband is working on a "polite" way to tell difficult child 1's former boyfriend to go away. because he will be 17 next week. And in Ohio, that's old enough. Besides, he's stringing her along anyway.
I'm sending you armor for tonight, and a lot of hugs. A few for difficult child, too, cuz she is gonna need them.
trinityroyal
Well-Known Member
Dara, you did the right thing.
Regardless of how angry difficult child will be, you stepped in and protected her, like the Warrior Mom you are.
I agree with JJJ's advice to get difficult child involved in activities with other kids her own age, and not just lesbians.
Sending hugs, and another coat of polish for the armour.
Trinity
Regardless of how angry difficult child will be, you stepped in and protected her, like the Warrior Mom you are.
I agree with JJJ's advice to get difficult child involved in activities with other kids her own age, and not just lesbians.
Sending hugs, and another coat of polish for the armour.
Trinity
Star*
call 911........call 911
Ya know - I don't care if your daughter is gay or not.
She's FOURTEEN. NOT sixteen - NOT eighteen - not TWENTY ONE -
SHE IS FOURTEEN - what will she have to look forward to if she gets to do all this adult stuff now?
I'm not a old fuddy - I'm not unrealistic - I think at 14 going after sexual/romantic relationships over the internet is unhealthy.
I also think that if the 19 year old has a brain in her head she'll tell your daughter that it's just not going to work out - and never tell her why. She really needs to be a grown up about this and not baby and petty since you already texted her.
I think there is a bigger problem with your daughter (gay or not) that is looming on your horizon. I think it's great you have a close relationship - but maybe it's time to have a talk about what is healthy and unhealthy in a relationship.
We have a gay and lesbian alliance here that is hugely helpful to anyone who is gay and looking for advice from peers who will really be able to help them understand that you as a parent are NOT being the nuclear bomb on her relationships - it may even help her find other friends locally who will be able to guide her in a more appropriate relationship. (worlds longest run on sentence)
No more internet for a LONG time unsupervised for sure.
She's FOURTEEN. NOT sixteen - NOT eighteen - not TWENTY ONE -
SHE IS FOURTEEN - what will she have to look forward to if she gets to do all this adult stuff now?
I'm not a old fuddy - I'm not unrealistic - I think at 14 going after sexual/romantic relationships over the internet is unhealthy.
I also think that if the 19 year old has a brain in her head she'll tell your daughter that it's just not going to work out - and never tell her why. She really needs to be a grown up about this and not baby and petty since you already texted her.
I think there is a bigger problem with your daughter (gay or not) that is looming on your horizon. I think it's great you have a close relationship - but maybe it's time to have a talk about what is healthy and unhealthy in a relationship.
We have a gay and lesbian alliance here that is hugely helpful to anyone who is gay and looking for advice from peers who will really be able to help them understand that you as a parent are NOT being the nuclear bomb on her relationships - it may even help her find other friends locally who will be able to guide her in a more appropriate relationship. (worlds longest run on sentence)
No more internet for a LONG time unsupervised for sure.
daralex
Clinging onto my sanity
I have blocked the site from the computer and will run out in a minute to "interview" the new therapist. A friend called and asked me how I would feel if this were a 19 yr old boy pusuing difficult child - I felt so stupid ion that moment knowing that I would have looked at it differently. It helped a little. difficult child does belong to a local gay/straight alliance here and goes to their teen club friday nights - this is the only social activity she has. I have pushed poked and prodded her to do things with a group of homeschool kids, joining the Y, etc. Her anxiety contributes to her not wanting to try new things. I know I am doing the right thing I am just dreading the reprocutions.
Bless you all for being there at times like this - no one else get it.
I'm sure I will post again later when the bomb explodes. Last time we had a blow out she cursed at me for an entire hour and threatened to kill herself- it took everything I had not to react. I am bearing down. I don't know what I would do without you all.
Dara
Bless you all for being there at times like this - no one else get it.
I'm sure I will post again later when the bomb explodes. Last time we had a blow out she cursed at me for an entire hour and threatened to kill herself- it took everything I had not to react. I am bearing down. I don't know what I would do without you all.
Dara
Star*
call 911........call 911
Maybe start off the conversation tonight if there is a blow out - by stating the rules of engagement. ie: fighting fair.
You both should have input into this -
No yelling -
No insults
NO BRINGING UP PAST ARGUMENTS - stay focused on the issue of TODAY.
No assuming
No namecalling
No ugly curse words
No throwing, hitting, breaking of things or slamming doors
No leaving the house, BUT do establish neutral corners so that if it gets too hairy you BOTH can throw in a white towel (literally) and go to your rooms or safe place where the other one can't hound or haunt the other.
Understanding what respect is, and silence while the other speaks
If there is a threat of killing or suicide - know that 911 will be called and she will be transported.
Ultimately - establish that YOU are the parent - but you want to hear her side of things.
I get that she has anxiety to meet new people - but.....doesn't wash when she's solicitating a 19 year old person she has NEVER met to come LIVE in her house. I'm not buying the total package of social anxiety thing with her. I think she tipped her safety blanket when she said "Oh I don't know this person, but they are coming to live with us??? (sorry)
Maybe the anxiety is with straight people or how she things she will be judged. That's why I suggested the alliance - BECAUSE there are older people there who have lived and survived what she's going through -
I don't think it's a matter of "I'm gay, and confused." either. IF she says she's confused - then she's bi-curious. In which case she will STILL need a good roll model /older peer to help answer some questions.
But do get the rules first.......then fight fair.
Tell her at her age it's a lot more adult and productive to have a civil conversation rather than her blow up and act like a child over something that is a no-brainer for a parent. Then go from there.
You both should have input into this -
No yelling -
No insults
NO BRINGING UP PAST ARGUMENTS - stay focused on the issue of TODAY.
No assuming
No namecalling
No ugly curse words
No throwing, hitting, breaking of things or slamming doors
No leaving the house, BUT do establish neutral corners so that if it gets too hairy you BOTH can throw in a white towel (literally) and go to your rooms or safe place where the other one can't hound or haunt the other.
Understanding what respect is, and silence while the other speaks
If there is a threat of killing or suicide - know that 911 will be called and she will be transported.
Ultimately - establish that YOU are the parent - but you want to hear her side of things.
I get that she has anxiety to meet new people - but.....doesn't wash when she's solicitating a 19 year old person she has NEVER met to come LIVE in her house. I'm not buying the total package of social anxiety thing with her. I think she tipped her safety blanket when she said "Oh I don't know this person, but they are coming to live with us??? (sorry)
Maybe the anxiety is with straight people or how she things she will be judged. That's why I suggested the alliance - BECAUSE there are older people there who have lived and survived what she's going through -
I don't think it's a matter of "I'm gay, and confused." either. IF she says she's confused - then she's bi-curious. In which case she will STILL need a good roll model /older peer to help answer some questions.
But do get the rules first.......then fight fair.
Tell her at her age it's a lot more adult and productive to have a civil conversation rather than her blow up and act like a child over something that is a no-brainer for a parent. Then go from there.
ThreeShadows
Quid me anxia?
Daralex, stay strong, we all have our hands on your shoulders and your back, holding you up. I hated the fights and the anticipation of all that yelling. This 19 y.o. should be investigated, it's just plain wrong to prey on a child, especially a wounded one.
Regardless of what state your in sex with anyone under 16 years old will get you prison time that fact alone should be enough to get this 19yo to back off! The hard part is going to be getting difficult child to go along with this, I'll tell what worked for me and hopefully something here can help you.
When I was 15yo my boyfriend was a 28yo biker (I was sure I loved him later discovered it was the bike not him LOL) anyway a very nice and wise biker lady who was in her 40's pulled me aside and explained the legal consequences for him if our relationship were discovered by the authorities. She didn't make me feel like a child or get judgemental she kept it to just the facts, talking to her I understood that if I truly loved him and wanted what was best for him I needed to walk away until I was above the age of consent. I looked him up when I was 17yo (almost 18) and when I saw him on that goofy "rice burner" there wasn't any attraction for this old guy at all. I did date the 19yo who he sold his Harley to for a couple months though till I got over my motorcycle phase -having met the cutest drummer!
OK enough with my little trip down memory lane and I'll slip back into mother Grizzly bear thinking in my opinion kids unsupervised on the internet is like a monkey with a gun! Any adult looking to "hook up" with a kid on the internet is a preditor. My poor kids having a control freek for a mom but that's who I am, so they have to deal with me looking over their shoulder when online and me being allowed to meet parents of kids they hang with.
When I was 15yo my boyfriend was a 28yo biker (I was sure I loved him later discovered it was the bike not him LOL) anyway a very nice and wise biker lady who was in her 40's pulled me aside and explained the legal consequences for him if our relationship were discovered by the authorities. She didn't make me feel like a child or get judgemental she kept it to just the facts, talking to her I understood that if I truly loved him and wanted what was best for him I needed to walk away until I was above the age of consent. I looked him up when I was 17yo (almost 18) and when I saw him on that goofy "rice burner" there wasn't any attraction for this old guy at all. I did date the 19yo who he sold his Harley to for a couple months though till I got over my motorcycle phase -having met the cutest drummer!
OK enough with my little trip down memory lane and I'll slip back into mother Grizzly bear thinking in my opinion kids unsupervised on the internet is like a monkey with a gun! Any adult looking to "hook up" with a kid on the internet is a preditor. My poor kids having a control freek for a mom but that's who I am, so they have to deal with me looking over their shoulder when online and me being allowed to meet parents of kids they hang with.
amazeofgrace
A maze of Grace - that about sums it up
ugh these boys like playing with fire! And look at Miley Cyrus and what a good example she sets! Sorry, wish I knew what to say other then having worked with Teen moms, I see that age gap quite often!
daralex
Clinging onto my sanity
So I told difficult child - and got nothing?! I got ok - whatever. I was so worked up over the blowout that I caused myself a major headache and ridiculous amounts of stress. HOWEVER, I check the history and see she tried to get through to that site 72 times in 8 minutes. I am still waiting for the other foot to drop - it is inevitable.
I just really wanted to thank everyone (I always take your advice Star - you are wonder woman!) I really dont know what I would do without you. Threeshadows - you made me cry in a good way. I can't explain what it means to me to be able to connect with people that understand and do not judge the situation with difficult child - you are my saviors.
Helpangel - thank you for sharing
Stepto2 thank you for everything
I am so emotionally drained and exhausted. I have a glass of wine in my hand and am going to watch some mindless tv before I cry myself to sleep.
By the way - the therapist I saw today was the last straw. She explained my difficult child is basically too screwed up for her to able to help and criticzed me to no end as to why I "allowed" her to get this messed up?! I cried all the way home from the appointment - she should be happy she is not dealing with a difficult child in her own home - she would never survive it!
I will keep you updated and cannot express enough how much all of your support/suggestions/wisdom keeps me going
I really cannot express how much this all means to me - thank you just doesn't seem like enough. I am just so thankful I found you.
Dara
I just really wanted to thank everyone (I always take your advice Star - you are wonder woman!) I really dont know what I would do without you. Threeshadows - you made me cry in a good way. I can't explain what it means to me to be able to connect with people that understand and do not judge the situation with difficult child - you are my saviors.
Helpangel - thank you for sharing
Stepto2 thank you for everything
I am so emotionally drained and exhausted. I have a glass of wine in my hand and am going to watch some mindless tv before I cry myself to sleep.
By the way - the therapist I saw today was the last straw. She explained my difficult child is basically too screwed up for her to able to help and criticzed me to no end as to why I "allowed" her to get this messed up?! I cried all the way home from the appointment - she should be happy she is not dealing with a difficult child in her own home - she would never survive it!
I will keep you updated and cannot express enough how much all of your support/suggestions/wisdom keeps me going
I really cannot express how much this all means to me - thank you just doesn't seem like enough. I am just so thankful I found you.
Dara
(((Dara)))
I thought therapists were suppose to help us sort thru our problems not become the problem. Wow how did therapist think piling guilt on you was going to help? You are a good mom and doing the best you can to keep your difficult child safe in a very unsafe world. First thing most tdocs need to learn is there is no such thing as a perfect parent but there are about a million different ways to be a really good one.
I thought therapists were suppose to help us sort thru our problems not become the problem. Wow how did therapist think piling guilt on you was going to help? You are a good mom and doing the best you can to keep your difficult child safe in a very unsafe world. First thing most tdocs need to learn is there is no such thing as a perfect parent but there are about a million different ways to be a really good one.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
You must have met up with a therapist I went to one time. That lady let me get about a quarter of the way through my list of problems, held her hand up and told me I was "too severe" for therapy...lol.
That was about 12 years or so ago and I never attempted therapy again until I met my current therapist who is a miracle worker. I wish I could clone her and email her out to everyone here.
That was about 12 years or so ago and I never attempted therapy again until I met my current therapist who is a miracle worker. I wish I could clone her and email her out to everyone here.
klmno
Active Member
I could be way off base, but it's my opinion that some tdocs do this sort of carp to convince the parent to come back to therapy. It takes a good therapist to even give an honest shot to help a kid- it's much easier from a business standpoint to convince a parent that they've scre*&*d up so they'll commit to therapy, in my humble opinion.
daralex
Clinging onto my sanity
I am going to look for a psychiatrist today - again. The therapist yesterday was the straw on the camel's back. There has to be someone out there that can help difficult child?! I know I shouldn't internalize what the therapist said - but she was so cutting and mean it was hard not to.
I checked the phone log and it looks like difficult child called the 19 yr old, but the 19 yr old never called her back? I am not able to view her text log though. I am really hoping I scared her off.
It's just all too eery - there is no way difficult child would give up on this without a fight so I am wondering if yesterday was the calm before the storm? What a great way to lead up to Mother's Day!
Thanks again!!!
I checked the phone log and it looks like difficult child called the 19 yr old, but the 19 yr old never called her back? I am not able to view her text log though. I am really hoping I scared her off.
It's just all too eery - there is no way difficult child would give up on this without a fight so I am wondering if yesterday was the calm before the storm? What a great way to lead up to Mother's Day!
Thanks again!!!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Some therapists are very liberal and give the kids ridiculous feedback and us bad advice. So you have to pick and choose. One therapist told me that my daughter took drugs because I didn't trust her. I needed to trust her more. My daughter threw this advice in my face until I shut her up by telling her that I didn't care what he said, he was wrong. That I would trust her when she was worthy of trust. I *did* trust her until she took drugs.
I will be blunt: There is no way Jose my fourteen year old (I have one who is almost thirteen) would be allowed to go online without my being allowed to check her history and her MySpace and Facebook etc. I get the passwords. If I found out some older person was stalking her in any way, I would have been tougher than you. And the computer would have been off limits to daughter for a while. And I'd be checking her online comings and goings a long time after that incident. A nineteen year old can seriously hurt a fourteen year old, including luring her away from home. I don't think her sexual orientation is an issue here. Her age and maturity level is.
If she gets suicidal at any time, call 911. Don't let her manipulate you with that. (((Hugs)))
I will be blunt: There is no way Jose my fourteen year old (I have one who is almost thirteen) would be allowed to go online without my being allowed to check her history and her MySpace and Facebook etc. I get the passwords. If I found out some older person was stalking her in any way, I would have been tougher than you. And the computer would have been off limits to daughter for a while. And I'd be checking her online comings and goings a long time after that incident. A nineteen year old can seriously hurt a fourteen year old, including luring her away from home. I don't think her sexual orientation is an issue here. Her age and maturity level is.
If she gets suicidal at any time, call 911. Don't let her manipulate you with that. (((Hugs)))
