14 yr old daughter/aunt mess but no subs. abuse

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by fireflykirsten, Jul 30, 2010.

  1. I just wrote a long post and the whole things got deleted...:sick:

    In a nutshell- I am a single Mom with a 14 yr old daughter (and a 6 yr old son who is wonderful) who has had serious attitude since she was 12. Last week her Dad, informed me he's lost his job, and is planning to move out of state to Minnesota with his new wife and wants to take Ashley, our 14 yr old with him. Up until now, we've split the kids 50/50 for the past 3 yrs. I told him it is out of the question, I will not allow her to move out of state and be torn away from me and her brother. I have gotten an attorney and filed the paperwork and now it's just a wait and see...very stressful. I enrolled the kids in school here full time as their Dad is moving as soon as he finds a job. Meanwhile, my daughter has been visiting my sister in Seattle, something she does for a week or two every summer. This year, my ex planned her trip and she's there for 4 weeks this year. This morning, I get an email from Ashley, TELLING ME that she has decided it's in her best interest, to live with my sister full time from now on!!!!:surprise: I won't go into her details, but anyway...I am very upset that my sister obviously talked to her about this being an option without even consulting me! Now, my 14 yr old will have 2 new reasons to hate me #1, I won't let her go live with her irresponsible partying Dad who expects nothing from her and leaves her alone so he can go out with his new wife, and #2, I won't let her move in with my sister in Seattle who lives the opulant life! OMG!:mad:

    I am terrified about how my daughter will act when she comes home, has to live here, AGAINST HER WILL. She will think i am the reason for all of her pain and suffering, such a horrible torturous life to live! Now...while I am not rich and have struggled up until the last year or so (I've been divorced 3 years) by working full time to provide for my 2 kids, I now have a loving fiance and 2 (almost) step sons that I adore, a very nice comfortable house, plenty of food and the comforts of life...I may not make a 6 figure income like my sister and her husband, but we don't live in the slums either if you know what I mean. I am horrified that my sister would fill her head with this...I really feel it is completely undermining me as a parent.

    I wrote back to my daughter and told her I am sorry, but that is not an option. I will call my sister later tonight when I am home from work and discuss how this came about...It has made a hard situation, even harder. She has already been destructive, broken things, disrespects other people's property, is disrespectful to my fiance and his boys at times, just seems to think she's entitled to everything no matter how lousy her attitude is.

    Can anyone give me their advice? I am literally neauseated that my daughter would rather go live with my sister :sick:I can see why, but it still hurts. Now i have to deal with fighting my ex to have her here full time, and my sister who has completely undermined my wishes to have her live here with us full time.

  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi Kirsten and welcome. I moved your post over to the general forum since there's no substance abuse going on and the general forum has more traffic.

    I'm probably quite naive but in my rose-colored world, your sister has zero say on where your daughter lives. She doesn't have custody nor any rights. Period. End of that part of the problem.

    Ashley is 14 and also has no say in terms of living with- sister. Time to come home, against her will or not. I'm old and pretty hardened at this stage of the game - I wouldn't take it personally that she wants to live with- sis. The grass is always greener, you know? I can't tell you how many times I've "ruined" one or another of my kids' lives. Too bad, so sad. I'm the parent. My job is #1 to make sure you're safe and well cared for, #2 make sure you have the necessities of life, including a good education, #3 do my best to raise you to be a responsible adult, and last *and* least provide the goodies as I'm able.

    I know absolutely nothing about custody issues... but I wonder if a 14-year-old has the right to provide input into custody issues. I don't know if it varies by state, or by age. Probably something you want to talk with- atty about, especially if you are able to get her back from Seattle. I would anticipate she'd be pretty ticked off - might play into dad's hands?

    So sorry you're getting this from 2 different sides right now. Teenagers can be such challenging kids, all that sense of entitlement and being "right". Hope you're at the very least able to get sis to cooperate in getting her back home.
  3. Thank you so much for your response :) She will come home from Seattle, and the day after they get back it's my 'day' to have my daughter and son from my ex, so we'll go from there. Thanks for reminding me that other parents have gone through the 'you're ruining my life' syndrome with their kids and have survived :)

    Earlier today I was re-doing Ashley's room and found a letter not really to me, but about me, from her, how horrible I am and how she's only learned how 'not to be' because of me...it made me really ill. Crazy how they can judge everyone around them except themselves. I remember not really being crazy about my own Mom when I was her age, so I am trying to remember what it's like to be that age. It just feels so unfair for her to be so mean when I've struggled to give her everything I can over the past three years when it was hard enough to leave my abusive husband and try to pay the bills on my own.

    Thanks again!

  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If your teen doesn't tell you at least once a week that you are ruining her life then you are doing it wrong.

    Or so my mom always told me!!

    I am sorry things are so rough. I wonder what stories she has told to sister?? I am sure she has filled your sister's ears with all KINDS of lies. If daughter has had a good relationship with aunt before this, aunt would not expect her to lie and would be stunned to learn she has been had. Of course not all relatives are willing to believe us when we tell them our "angels" are actually devils in fake wings.

    Have you spoken with your attorney about this all? I would. Usually a parent cannot move a child out of state unless the other parent agrees. period. The parent who is choosing to move is the one who is choosing to lose that contact with the child. Judges like to keep things in their own jurisdiction as much as possible, or so my divorced friends/relatives have told me.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Something to keep in mind when you talk tot your sister - she may not have discussed anything with your daughter. It could be that your daughter might have just made assumptions. Perhaps your sister said, "I'm enjoying having you, I will miss you when you go home," and that was enough (plus the apparently greater affluence) to have your daughter jump to conclusions.

    Be kind to your sister. Even if she did say more than she should have, you may need her support in getting through to your daughter that her place is with her mother.

  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Marg makes a good point, you don't know what your sister said or offered until you talk to her.

    As far as one parent moving to another state that does probably depend on the state, but I suspect in most states it is not that easy to do especially if you have custody or joint custody. Your ex would have to show the child would be significantly better off enough to make it worth not having a regular relationship with you. It is usually a pretty high standard.

    What I am learning about teens is to do my best not to take things personally. My difficult child and I do not have a good relationship and he can be awful to me....much more peaceful now that hens out of the house. But myopic who I have a great relationship with and who is doing very well and is a great kid often does not appreciate me, or has had enoug of her parents. It is part of the process of separating and becoming their own person. So that even happens with well adjusted teens and is normal.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't be so sure your sister even made her the offer. I'd talk to her before getting angry. Maybe she told her lies about your fiance (your daughter maybe reacting badly to him and his kids joining the family) and maybe your sister is trying to help or maybe she never even said, "You can live here." Talk to her with a quiet mind first.
    I don't know much about custody battles, but I did raise five kids to age 14 (my youngest is now 14. I have the tee-shirt of survival). If your daughter started acting up at twelve, and hadn't before, it could be one of three things, in the order that I personally feel they could be. Ok, here's my list...lol.

    1/Even if you don't suspect it, drugs and alcohol. They start around twelve and even earlier and if so she would want to live in t he house that is the most lenient so that s he can do these things with the least chance of having consequences if she is caught. My daughter started at 12 and, naive as I was, I didn't have a clue EVEN when she'd changed all her friends and stopped getting good grades and started mouthing off terribly. Something to consider.

    2/She really doesn't like your new relationship. It may be financially good for you (and emotionally), but, as my kids have told me when I met my now husband) "we don't like him" "we didn't pick him, you did" "I will never care about him" "he's not my father" blah, blah, blah. It would have been worse if he had had children. And he was NICE to them, but they didn't want him with me. They wanted Dad with me. And if I couldn't or didn't want Dad, they were not ready for me to have ANYONE...and they weren't young at the time. They were teenagers and it wasn't fun. So how is your fiance's relationship with her and how does she likes his kids? Three kids is a lot to adjust too. My hub has worn the "I Surivived Being a Wicked Stepfather" t-shirt. We have lots of t-shirts.

    3/The teen years, peer pressure, hormones...I pesonally feel this is not the reason for outright horrible behavior. Only one of my kids was horrid teen and she took drugs. The others were just sort of typical teen annoying as in "Why do you have to know if my friend's parents are home?" "You're so overprotective" "I'm mad!" (complete with slamming door), "I'll never tell you anything again (slamming door)." But there ws no violence or serious defiance and they did take discipline well and got over it fast. The problem is when you get a teen out of control. Usually this is not a typical teen and more is going on. Yes, they all say they hate us...I have heard that from all of mine...it goes in one ear and out the other...but except for the druggie teen, I knew they didn't mean it and they were loving more often than hateful.

    So you have to sort out what is going on. Her life is pretty crazy now and she could be acting out in ways that you don't know. Kids can be very sneaky and because we love them so much, sometimes (like me) we don't always want to face it.

    I wish you all the luck in the world. You have your hands full. Do what YOUR gut tells you is right for her.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I agree that your sister's input is important. Perhaps she didn't say what your daughter "heard". Perhaps your difficult child shared information with her that you are not privy to. Perhaps your teen sees living with her Aunt as a way to avoid the conflict between her bio parents.

    Many of us have run into similar circumstances. My easy child
    son told me he "was not moving" when my new husband and
    I decided to relocate. One reason for our relocation was his "new friends" were influencing him more than we could accept. Truthfully if he had been invited to stay with a relative I trusted I might have considered it as a viable alternative.

    It's hard to be objective when you have unexpected ideas and options. Hang in there. There may be factors that you are not aware of at this time that can be addressed with the sister you trust. Hugs. DDD
  9. comatheart

    comatheart Guest

    What did your sister have to say?