Hey, Moms and Dad, there is WAY too much blame going on here.
Our children have inborn temperaments that you can't change. Anger is not usually caused by our poor parenting. That is an old fashion, outdated theory. It is usually caused by some sort of underlying disorder, such as autistic spectrum disorder, early onset mood disorders, or other issues that we can't do anything about and that require early intervention and help. A parent can raise four kids and have four different personalities. Drugs are often a factor, even when we don't know it. My daughter started using drugs at twelve (yes, that's twelve) and my once good natured child became a terror and I did not know it was drugs. Or even think it. She is back to her normal sweet self now that she is clean. My son has autistic spectrum disorder and he started out having tantrums that he could not control, nor could anybody here. But he got help too and he is 21 now and the sweetest, nicest young man on the face of the earth and he almost never even gets irritated. Most of the time something else is going on a nd it's not "bad parenting." If you ever get a therapist who tells you that, you need to fire the guy yesterday.
Your son is getting to the age where it is late in the game, but I highly recommend taking him a psychiatrist for medication (the one with the MD in psychology) and a NeuroPsychologist (not a neurologist) for intensive testing to see why this child has so much trouble controlling himself. And make sure a drug test is included, although drug tests don't show ALL drugs. Also, look at the genetics tree on both sides, even if the boy never met his biological father or mother. Regardless, he is 50% DNA of that parent. Does he resemble a biological relative with certain traits? Is there substance abuse or bipolar somewhere in his DNA? Any neurological differences, like autism?
You can be as consistant as you try to be with many kids and it doesn't work because they can't control themselves the way we want them to and it is not because of us. If you tell a child to go to his time out chair and he throws the chair, like my autistic son did as a toddler, and bites you when you try to settle him down, it is pretty hard to be consistent. Consistency did not help him. Interventions to help him communicate and understand the world helped him. I have four kids, three adopted, and none are biologically related. They are good kids, but they are very different because they have different DNA from one another and I raised them all the same. And I was not a strict parent. I was more the lenient, loving type. I was also a child myself who had an early mood disorder. I remember being very depressed as young as four and, although I am not going to even try to say I had good parents, they did not cause my outbursts and meltdowns. My temperament was very challenging. I was so uber sensitive that anything made me cry and I continue to struggle with a mood disorder to this day, however I am under good control with years of therapy and medication. As abusive as my mother was, and I'm sure none of you are like her, she didn't cause my mood disorder, unless I inherited from her, and she didn't heal me. I had to do that.
Regrets about how a child turns out is more often nature, not nurture, and it is a waste of time to think, "What did I do wrong?" You could have had a child with a very mild temper (I have one like that) who just seemed to go with the flow from early on and barely have to do any disciplining. You can have one with a temperament like mine, a bit like my oldest, who needed therapy young, was harder, but is doing pretty well now. In fact, I'd say he's doing VERY good.
Any mental health professional worth his salt in 2015 is going to want to do testing for various disorders on difficult children. It is rare to hear, "It's because of your parenting" or "he's spoiled" from a professional anymore and, if you do, move on, move on, move on. Go to the guys with the most education in the brain--Psychiatrists and NeuroPsychologists. Don't expect therapists and social workers to be able to diagnose your child and DON'T DON'T DON'T let educators tell you what is wrong. That is not their field. They are teachers, that's all.They see a lot of kids, but are not trained to do ANY diagnosing. Don't take them seriously. Definitely get help if they tell you your child is struggling, but don't let them tell you, "It's ADHD." The fact is, teachers do not have the expertise to know what is causing that struggle.
Guilt doesn't help. If I were the parent of this boy, I'd take him for a complete neuropsychlogical evaluation, which can take up to ten hours, before he turns eighteen. Once he is eighteen, there is nothing you can legally do to help your child. If any of us do anything wrong it is not getting mental health professionals involved, diagnosing and helping early enough, but it is never too late for a person to get help and change. And it is rarely our parenting that causes "bad" behavior unless we beat our kids every day or somebody else abused him. Kids adopted at older ages have already been formed and often have attachment issues, which also causes really challenging behaviors, for those who adopted older kids, like we did a few times. Expect to have to really get an older adoptee a lot of help as soon as he arrives in your home
and hope he has not been damaged too badly from the place he came from. If he has been, this is also NOT YOUR FAULT. How can it be? You weren't even there.
Hugs to all the moms and dads with hurting hearts. You are good parents with kids who have challenges. All you can do is do the best you can to get help and see what works the best. And see a psychiatrist AND a Neuropyschologist (not a neurologist...two different animals).