15 yr old smoking pot in house

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by KathyS987, Jan 24, 2014.

  1. KathyS987

    KathyS987 New Member

    Help! I am so frustrated. My oldest is 15, gets good grades, has mostly behaved well but has been angry for years about his younger sister who has only finally been diagnosed with bipolar disorder but before that created a lot of chaos - and also probably angry about his dad's and my divorce two years ago though we are amicable. He has completely refused to talk to therapists and only argues with them about how stupid therapy is. Started smoking pot last spring and we came down hard- drug testing, privileges severely restricted etc. after he was clean and begged us this fall we loosened up and now he smokes several times a week in my house and won't stop. Won't talk to the therapist. Debated merits of pot with his pediatrician today! I don't mind coming down hard on him again but at this point I don't think he will stop. I cut off his allowance. Do I call the cops? Put him into treatment? I worry with the first it will destroy his chances of getting into college and with the second he will be so angry he will turn to harder drugs. He thinks I am crazy to react this way about pot but my sense and his behavior demonstrates he is not using casually. Plus I cannot tolerate this in my house! I'm livid about that!
    He agree to see a psychiatrist next week but I think he is hoping she hands him legal medications that instantly make him happy. I don't know what to do.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

    This is my take on things. I would never allow my kid to smoke pot in my house. They aren't allowed to even smoke cigarettes. It's YOUR house. Throw his pot in the garbage, call the cops (I did), make him respect you. Who cares what he thinks? He's fifteen. Why is HE in charge?

    Personally, with the things pot is laced with, I'd be worried about pot. My daughter started with pot and went on the more, but we were tough on her but she quit.

    You need to take your power back. Have you gone to any Nar-Anon meetings?
  3. KathyS987

    KathyS987 New Member


    I agree completely. I have confiscated pot and paraphernalia a few times and each time he arrogantly demanded him back and I told him no way. I have just been afraid to call the police - to lose the control of handling him ourselves.

    I haven't been to Nar-anon and will look into that. I was also wondering about outpatient drug programs - I would like someone to talk to him who is used to smart, smart-ass teens who think they know everything.


  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Juvenile Judges are very good at talking to arrogant smart mouthed children.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It isn't working to handle it yourself. Hon, you want to have some control, even through the justice system, or he may well move onto other things, if he hasn't already. You only have three years before he is legally beyond your reach. There is "legal" pot, such as spice which is extremely dangerous...if he starts dabbling in that...it is best to get tough NOW. If he thinks pot is "healthy" then think of what he will say about spice, which is legal.

    You need to be the adult before you can't anymore. Pot is not harmless to everyone and n Occupational Therapist (OT) to ANYONE who smokes it every day. And your house is your house. Cigarettes are legal, but they are forbidden in my house. My house, my rules. Your house, your rules.

    You may want to search his room when he's not there to see if you find anything. Ditto his Facebook and cell phone. In my opinion, they lose their privacy rights when they break the law or refuse to follow our house rules.

    Many of us are very kindhearted and want our kids to like us. That works fine for many of our kids, but every kid responds differently to the way we parent them. I was very softhearted until my daughter started using drugs. She was shocked when I called the police. Part of the police call was to find out who sold it to her...it was an adult who was on parole already. Either way, I was not going to make it easy for her to self-destruct. We called the police a few years later too when we found a bag of white stuff in her room...she had evolved onto other things. Her behavior deteriorated too. You don't even want to know about her driving record and serious accidents. One thing you CAN do...tell him if he uses pot, he doesn't drive. That was one thing that made my daughter at least try to stop for a while and once we found out she hadn't (and we found out due to a car crash) that was the end of her being able to drive our vehicles. Yes, she was angry. So what? She is 29 now and clean and we are best friends, although she hated me then.

    Do you like your son's friends? Has he switched friends recently? Do you know for sure when he started pot? Are you sure it's only pot?

    Most of all, you have a mentally ill daughter. She doesn't need to see her brother using pot boldly at home. With bipolar, you are prone to abusing drugs and they make the bipolar worse. Your daughter needs to see you take a strong stand.

    I'm sorry you have to go through this. It is never fun.
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2014
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I absolutely agree with MWM. You need to be the parent and take back control. Even if marijuana becomes legal you still don't have to allow your 15-year-old to smoke it in your house.

    Does he have a phone you are paying for? Take it away. Does he want to get his driver's license? Not a chance while he is still smoking marijuana. Computer privileges? Nope . . . you are paying for the Internet so you get to say no. The only thing you "owe" him is a safe place to sleep and nutritional food.

    As far as calling the police . . . I say do it. Tell your difficult child that he can't smoke pot in your house because you will not condone illegal activity in your house. He will call your bluff, though, and you need to follow through.

    As MWM said, you will not have control of the situation much longer. When I called DFS for help when my difficult child was 17, they said that there wasn't much they could do at 17 because she was so close to being 18. They described it as a "twilight" year.

    I definitely suggest treatment for your difficult child. If he is smoking that much pot and doing it openly against your wishes, he needs help. Whether it is for behavioral issues or addiction issues, this is not typical teenage behavior.

  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    I was in the dark for a long time about my son's activities---he was really, really good at hiding the drug use. One day I went to yoga leaving him alone in the house. When I got there, the class had been cancelled so I came right back home...unexpectedly. I walked into the kitchen from the garage to the sound of feet running fast up the stairs and the smell of pot. I called him on it, and he said I was crazy, he didn't smoke pot and I didn't smell anything. Did the same with his cigarette smoking for months and I believed him because he had talked so badly in the past about smoking. He kept saying, long after he smelled daily of smoke, cigarette burns on the seats in his car, packs everywhere, that it wasn't him smoking, but his friends smoking. I believed him.

    That was close to the time my debit card disappeared from my wallet for a few days. I thought I had just stuck in in a jeans pocket. I got online and saw that $60 had been taken out of my checking account...while the card was missing. Then, magically, the card was back in my purse. My son was the only one living here beside me, but I still didn't fully get it, that he did this. How could he do something like this? It was literally beyond my capacity to accept this at that time. I went to the bank, sat down with the manager, and asked him if we could review the video from that day. He said only the police could do that. I said, well I'm 99% sure my son did this but I would like to see it for myself. Really?

    I also remember my son's girlfriend calling me, coming over and sitting down with me for 1.5 hours in my living room telling me how scared she was for my son. That 90 minutes was a glimpse into the REAL life that he was leading, right under my nose in my house but I truly had no idea the scope and the depth. She told me about a 60-year-old woman giving him pills. She didn't say how he paid for them. My mind went wild with that. She said he had to drink a "40" every night before they went anywhere. I didn't even know what a 40 was.

    He was truly living a life I had no idea about, and he was living right here in this house with me.

    We already know things that we don't even know that we know. And MOST of the time we don't know things---how bad things really are---because they are 10 steps ahead of us.

    Get on this NOW, Kathy. I say this because my son is now 24 and there are numerous laws in place that protect his privacy from ME. As MWM said, you have just three years to do all you can to help him.

    Like someone else said in the past couple of days on a thread, no one ever really WANTS to go to rehab but once they are there, even if they relapse, they have heard things they have never heard before and I believe that goes to a foundation that one day may and will help them once they are finally ready.

    It is likely that you have an idea of what is going on, but it is just the tip of the iceberg.

    And this thing is and can be so much bigger than you are and your capacity. Get all the help you can.

    I pray your son gets his life turned around again quickly and that you can find the strength to do what you need to do. It's hard. Really hard. And you have a right to do what you CAN do and live with today.

    It is a process, learning and dealing with all of this. I have been four years on the really hard road with him, although he has always been a challenge. I have changed inch by inch.

    Prayers with you all today and lots of warmth and hugs.

    I also remember my son's