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16 year old son problems... :(
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 643996" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Oh, hi and welcome, but sorry you had to be here.</p><p></p><p>I can't speak for anyone else, but in my world you are underreacting. I would have taken the phone even if he had a fit and given it to the police. Having lived through those drug days with Daughter I learned t hat when something new showed up it was usually stolen. They steal to pawn to get drugs. But if he doesn't have a cell, how convenient that he found one. Is he using somebody else's service too? Don't feel bad. Most of our difficult children do the same sort of stuff...lie, steal, often substance abuse, disrespect us, even get violent. You are hardly alone. We would not be here if it wasn't pretty bad.</p><p></p><p>I think you did fine. I would have done more as I am a stickler for not breaking the law and I don't want my kids to learn it is ok. I turned my daughter in twice for pot, hoping it would scare her straight. It didn't, but she DID quit using drugs at age 19, nothing short of a miracle.</p><p></p><p>I am a big believer in tough love and do think that this is partly why my daughter chose to quit drugs (and even cigarettes!!!) rather than continuing her nonsense games and drug use. She had to leave at 19 and lived with her brother in his basement for a long time. She quit there and did not seek out drug using friends, which is a good sign...if they hang with troublemakers, then they are one. Like attracts like.</p><p></p><p>I don't know where you live, but you can't leave home in the U.S. until eighteen so we were stuck, even as she continued to break the law, show horrible examples to her young brother and sister, and sneaked out her window to run around at night. We found out after she quit that she had done a lot more than pot...she fessed up to meth, psychodelics, ADHD drugs (they put them in a pillcrusher and snort them alone or with cocaine), and even a fling with heroin. I always thought one try of heroin and you're hooked, but it can't be true because she said she tried it a few times, then got scared and never did it again. It's been over ten years since she has used drugs and her life is pretty normal, even boring for a thirty year old young woman now.</p><p></p><p>From what my daughter has told me about the drug life, I think your son may be more involved in drugland than you think. He is living the life of a serious drug user, which includes stealing, lying, pawning, and disrespect for anything socially normal. My daughter had been a very nice, if sensitive kid until the drugs started and then she changed to this girl I didn't know. Once she quit though she quickly, and I do mean quickly, reverted back to what she had been before the drugs. This entire path she took is irregular. Most kids go to rehab, then relapse, then go back to rehab...it takes a while. Mine just did it on her own with her boyfriend helping her. She didn't tell us until afterward and we didn't believe her until she was clearly not using substances and was living a normal, socially acceptable life.</p><p></p><p>Don't be afraid to search your son's room to see what you find there. I did that to my daughter many times. I reasoned she lost her privacy rights when she broke the law. Also, it is my house. I found a long letter to a guy she didn't know. Apparently she was going to run to Colorado to be with him at his college. I called his mom (phone number was written down) and we both cut that one off. If I hadn't looked, I wouldn't have known. I consider this sort of snooping saving our minor children from themselves. Once we brought in a cop with a dog to sniff her room and we found cocaine. That really shocked me, although she swore she was holding it for a friend (very common lie). Until then, we really believed all she had done was smoked pot and maybe drank a little. We were wrong.</p><p></p><p>In the end, after she graduated, we put our foot down. She quit doing illegal stuff or left our house. She didn't quit so she left our house. She was lucky her brother let her stay with him and that he lived far away enough that she could dump her druggie friends who would not stop harassing her when she did try to quit.</p><p></p><p>I highly recommend going to Al-Anon. I did that as well and it was a lifesaver to me. It helps to have a support system who has been there/done that and can show us the ropes. I had never taken drugs nor had my other kids. I was so naive about them. I had a lot to learn.</p><p></p><p>The bad news is that you can't force your son to go to rehab or any treatment. At some insane age, like fourteen, they have the "right" not to accept treatment. I don't get it since they aren't eighteen, but my daughter refused any sort of help and nobody, under those conditions, would take her. Do not spend all your money on solutions. If you want to send him somewhere and he will go or they will take him without his consent, make sure the coverage is there. In the end, usually short-term fixes, and the advertisers who claim miracles, don't work for our rebellious kids. They have to really want it...</p><p></p><p>Do not take his selfishness personally. When kids use drugs they are thinking about the drugs and their relationships with us sort of go south. The drugs and their drug friends are their lives. It's very sad, but I saw it with my daughter too. It hurts, but truly it is not about you, it's about your son. I would just limit how much you give him for next Christmas. Make sure you don't give him anything he can sell, Know what I mean??</p><p></p><p>Wishing you good luck. Keep posting. It helps!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 643996, member: 1550"] Oh, hi and welcome, but sorry you had to be here. I can't speak for anyone else, but in my world you are underreacting. I would have taken the phone even if he had a fit and given it to the police. Having lived through those drug days with Daughter I learned t hat when something new showed up it was usually stolen. They steal to pawn to get drugs. But if he doesn't have a cell, how convenient that he found one. Is he using somebody else's service too? Don't feel bad. Most of our difficult children do the same sort of stuff...lie, steal, often substance abuse, disrespect us, even get violent. You are hardly alone. We would not be here if it wasn't pretty bad. I think you did fine. I would have done more as I am a stickler for not breaking the law and I don't want my kids to learn it is ok. I turned my daughter in twice for pot, hoping it would scare her straight. It didn't, but she DID quit using drugs at age 19, nothing short of a miracle. I am a big believer in tough love and do think that this is partly why my daughter chose to quit drugs (and even cigarettes!!!) rather than continuing her nonsense games and drug use. She had to leave at 19 and lived with her brother in his basement for a long time. She quit there and did not seek out drug using friends, which is a good sign...if they hang with troublemakers, then they are one. Like attracts like. I don't know where you live, but you can't leave home in the U.S. until eighteen so we were stuck, even as she continued to break the law, show horrible examples to her young brother and sister, and sneaked out her window to run around at night. We found out after she quit that she had done a lot more than pot...she fessed up to meth, psychodelics, ADHD drugs (they put them in a pillcrusher and snort them alone or with cocaine), and even a fling with heroin. I always thought one try of heroin and you're hooked, but it can't be true because she said she tried it a few times, then got scared and never did it again. It's been over ten years since she has used drugs and her life is pretty normal, even boring for a thirty year old young woman now. From what my daughter has told me about the drug life, I think your son may be more involved in drugland than you think. He is living the life of a serious drug user, which includes stealing, lying, pawning, and disrespect for anything socially normal. My daughter had been a very nice, if sensitive kid until the drugs started and then she changed to this girl I didn't know. Once she quit though she quickly, and I do mean quickly, reverted back to what she had been before the drugs. This entire path she took is irregular. Most kids go to rehab, then relapse, then go back to rehab...it takes a while. Mine just did it on her own with her boyfriend helping her. She didn't tell us until afterward and we didn't believe her until she was clearly not using substances and was living a normal, socially acceptable life. Don't be afraid to search your son's room to see what you find there. I did that to my daughter many times. I reasoned she lost her privacy rights when she broke the law. Also, it is my house. I found a long letter to a guy she didn't know. Apparently she was going to run to Colorado to be with him at his college. I called his mom (phone number was written down) and we both cut that one off. If I hadn't looked, I wouldn't have known. I consider this sort of snooping saving our minor children from themselves. Once we brought in a cop with a dog to sniff her room and we found cocaine. That really shocked me, although she swore she was holding it for a friend (very common lie). Until then, we really believed all she had done was smoked pot and maybe drank a little. We were wrong. In the end, after she graduated, we put our foot down. She quit doing illegal stuff or left our house. She didn't quit so she left our house. She was lucky her brother let her stay with him and that he lived far away enough that she could dump her druggie friends who would not stop harassing her when she did try to quit. I highly recommend going to Al-Anon. I did that as well and it was a lifesaver to me. It helps to have a support system who has been there/done that and can show us the ropes. I had never taken drugs nor had my other kids. I was so naive about them. I had a lot to learn. The bad news is that you can't force your son to go to rehab or any treatment. At some insane age, like fourteen, they have the "right" not to accept treatment. I don't get it since they aren't eighteen, but my daughter refused any sort of help and nobody, under those conditions, would take her. Do not spend all your money on solutions. If you want to send him somewhere and he will go or they will take him without his consent, make sure the coverage is there. In the end, usually short-term fixes, and the advertisers who claim miracles, don't work for our rebellious kids. They have to really want it... Do not take his selfishness personally. When kids use drugs they are thinking about the drugs and their relationships with us sort of go south. The drugs and their drug friends are their lives. It's very sad, but I saw it with my daughter too. It hurts, but truly it is not about you, it's about your son. I would just limit how much you give him for next Christmas. Make sure you don't give him anything he can sell, Know what I mean?? Wishing you good luck. Keep posting. It helps! [/QUOTE]
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