16yo in crisis

[country]

Hi everyone. It's been a few months and I wanted to post an update. The Kid came home on Halloween. We've mostly been dealing with ODD behaviors - mouthiness, attitude, anger. Puberty is in FULL swing too. It's been very up and down, nothing consistent although nothing outrageous that would get him sent away. He finished the semester at Christmas with a 1.4 GPA entirely because he gave such little effort.
Things have been better since Jan 1. He has developed a close friendship with my brother who had a lot of similar ADHD/ODD issues as a kid. My husband and I feel totally empty so it's been nice to have someone engage the Kid for us. And, he's actually trying at school, happy at home and engaged. I try not to get my hopes up becuase nothing lasts long, but it's been 4 good days in a row... I started to exhale and think things were getting better!
Then last night happened. A few times since he's returned home, he has come across a "treasure map" that he apparently hid last summer. These maps tell of places he has drugs/money hidden in our home. Last weekend my brother uncovered a stash. Last night I was with him and uncovered it. I was tired, couldn't handle another drama, told him we would discuss it later and sent him to his room so I could tend to my 3 small children. I researched the pills I found hidden - they were tylenol, Abilify (a current medication he's on) and a dog arthritis medication (which our dog takes). Weird and suspicions grow.
Then I get a call from my brother saying he just had a breakthrough with the Kid and to hang on a few minutes because it'll all be better. So I go talk to the Kid and he confesses: he's never had a drug problem. Yeah, he experimented with a couple things but nowhere near an addiction. It was all a farse. (If you read my original post you will notice he spent 30 days in rehab in October. His addiction revelation last fall blew the lid off our family and he's been watching me try to hang on for dear life the past 6 months.) In his words, he lacks such identity and he fits in with no one and never has - so he created an identity. Anyone can be a junkie, he said, so I made myself a junkie. All the stories he has shocked us with have been lies.
I feel so many things. First, is this another lie? How can I ever know what is truth and what is not? How the heck do I move forward? What help does he need? the Kid loves me more than himself or anything on this earth, I have NO doubt. So how does someone do this to another person? It's cruel, but the Mom in me recognizes how empty someone must feel to be able to do this to someone, right?
We are receiving in home functional family therapy through the court. He has a PO that he meets with weekly. His personality test a year ago mentions traits of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and Borderline (BPD). Neither of those fit real well.
I'm stumped. Anyone have advice on where to go from here?

 

[country]

Hi everyone.

Back again with an update. I keep posting in the same thread so you can look at history our of situation if you desire, and for a diary for me. Hope that is ok.

After the saga in January and several in depth "charades" in which he constructed drama situations all built on lies and got multiple close family members involved, we decided what we are doing is not helping. He needs something more. We applied and were accepted to Boystown and he will be moving there soon. He will be living in a Family Home with 8 other boys until he graduates next May.

My questions today are about me. I have been holding myself together these 9 months and it is getting more and more difficult. I have not sought therapy since the beginning because I cannot afford to fall apart right now so I've been holding it together until he goes. I am a mess of emotions. Shame, fear, anger, sadness, loss, on and on.

My question is: how do we tell people our son is being rehomed to a boys home? I think I have no idea how to come to peace with this situation myself and so cannot formulate my message to "the public" - ie church, random non-close friends, etc.

How do you get passed the shame of your loved ones actions? How do you look people in the eye whom your loved one has wronged? How do you forgive yourself for whatever part you played in getting to this point?

Thanks to all.

 

[Catmom]

Can you let ppl know he is away at a "school" as it is basically one without going into detail? I do know that I could not completely access my own emotions until my son was out of my house. It has been a few weeks now and I am dealing with these emotions without him being right in front of me. I get better every day but still have a long way to go. This place has helped me more than anything so please keep posting.

 

[BusynMember]

You should not be ashamed. You didnt do anything wrong. But i agree we dont need to disclose these things. People dont understand.

Its ok to say,"i would prefer not ro talk about it, if you dont mind." Or you can be vague. "Hes at a school out of town for learning disabilities. I promised him not to talk to others about it."

Both responses should do the trick.

Hang in there.

 

[mof]

You can say he had an amazing opportunity to finish his education elsewhere and the family supports it.

I still feel ashamed and I haven't done anything! You haven't either except the best you knew how.

So hold your head up and walk like the strong woman you have been. No one can judge when they haven't walked in the shoes.

Be kind to yourself!

 

[RN0441]

Country:

I think you need to consider seeing a therapist now that your son is gone. You need help navigating through this sea of emotion.

We all have the tools we need to cope but we do need someone that is trained to help us find and use those tools. It is a sign of strength for someone to seek therapy and talk about the things that are the most painful to them. That is the only way you can heal.

My son has been gone a year just this month and he is doing better. I actually sometimes feel pure joy. I have not felt that in a long time. I love our new peace.

Our son is finally maturing but it is at a snail's pace. He knows we love and support him but he also knows this is OUR home and we are enjoying being empty nesters. We are helping him and guiding him and the rest is up to him. It's his life. It's our life too.