17 year old troubles :(

[Signorina]

Lp, forgive me for replying so late. Your OP is gone but I seem to remember your story is very similar to my own. A sudden volatility, an abrupt face to the values and love if our family and a girlfriend with a permissive family only to happy to be the "cool" parents and encourage his independence.

You've gotten really good advice from my board sisters and I will second it heartily.

I know the feeling of your world being upside down & unfamiliar. I know the anxiety of needing to "right " it, fix it, head off the crisis. That something immediate needs to happen, that this situation is about to come to a head, that you have to save him from going off the edge of a cliff. And I agree that you need to be ready.

But you also need to be patient. My son walked out over a year ago. Quit school, clung to his girlfriend & her family, threw us into a tailspin. Like you, I found this board, got good advice & made well researched plans for every contingency. Every contingency but treading water.

And treading water is what we are doing. The worst didn't come to pass. Neither did the best.
I was ready for sink or swim and we've done neither. We've had some low points and positive signs. I don't know where our situation is heading but I am no longer on edge awaiting the sudden call to action. I am sorry to ramble but I want you to know that sometimes you have to let things unfold at their own pace. And you need to give him the space to miss you.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[lp1969]

Thanks everyone. He is a minor for 6 more months. I am standing my ground and right or wrong, I have not asked him to come home. He is not welcome here if he is choosing to abandon everything I ever tried to teach him. He was baptised 3 months ago and has avoided going to church ever since so, I am praying every day that God will intervene. I believe that is my best hope
I do question myself every day wondering if the better mother would be over there beating down the doors and dragging him back. I also know that if he gets into leagal trouble right now it would be me having to answer for it and that scares me bad! Yet, I just don't think he will come out of this quickly enough and get back on track unless HE wants to come home and realizes that rules are necessary to keep us safe and happy. I also think that he needs to miss his family to realize what he has.

 

[92025]

very tough call on beating down the door to drag him home vs letting him go. I think i would be banging on the door but I can certainly see why letting him stay may be the right choice in some situations. It is so hard when you are willing to go to the ends of the earth for your baby but there is no clear path to put that energy to.

 

[lp1969]

last night he called! He asked how his stepdad was doing about 3 times and we talked about school and he actually said he loves and misses us. He also asked if he could have dinner with us Sunday night. I told him of course I don't know what's going on but, he has changed his tone quite a bit. Everyone, cross your fingers for us. I am hoping that he is ready to appologize and that will be a good start.
AND don't worry, I'm sticking to my guns about what it will take for him to come back with one exception - The drug testing - They are too easy to get out of.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Fingers crossed!

 

[toughlovin]

I am really glad he called... and although I would include no drug use as part of his coming home, I would base it mostly on following house rules and being respectful etc. I think for most of us (but maybe not all) when our kids got really into drugs their behavior went really down hill and so that is a good gage.

TL