17 yr old daughter with ODD, YIKES

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Froggy123, Feb 16, 2010.

  1. Froggy123

    Froggy123 New Member

    My daughter is a junior in high school and seventeen. She definately has ODD. She lies, steals, sneaks out, skips school, smokes pot and all of this is justified because she has parents who have rules and ground her when she breaks them. Poor baby.

    Last night was the ultimate. She came home by curfew without complaint, which made me suspicious. So in the middle of the night, I checked on her and she had an overnight guest--her boyfriend. I kicked him out but since he doesn't have a car, my daughter had to drive him home. I won't give you details, but it was obvious they had sex. She is now telling me that her Dad and I are ridiculous for having rules about boys in her room, because it keeps her from sneaking out!! How crazy is that??? Now she says she will move out tonight and we won't ever find her. I am scared she may actually do it. But I refuse to let her behavior continue under my roof. She has a 10 year old sister who looks up to her.

    What can I do? Do I call the police before she leaves or wait until she is gone and risk not finding her.

    Talking to her does no good. She is convinced we are trying to ruin her life and control her. She acts like we are completely clueless and won't tell us anything. Counseling has not helped.

    I need help.:whiteflag:
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, I had a daughter who did drugs and by seventeen she WAS out of my control. The police weren't very firm because of her age...almost being an adult. You can call them before she runs away and they may talk to her, but they can't do anything about "intent." My guess is she is doing a lot more drugs than just pot. My daughter, who is now clean, gave me the rundown on drug use and she told me all kids fess up to pot, but if they REALLY get into serious trouble...they are probably into a lot more than pot, like meth or ecstasy or cocaine. My daughter was and we sure didn't know it until she straightened out and told us the whole story. She also used to sneak out at night and was on parole twice, but it didn't stop her until she was ready to make changes.

    I wish I could be more helpful. Perhaps there is an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) you can put her in to keep her safe? I don't know if you can do that against her will at her age. All I can say is, when she's eighteen, if you don't like her lifestyle, you can make her leave. We had to do that. My daughter was very lucky because she had somewhere to go in a whole other state and started over (and decided to quit...she is doing very well now...there is hope).

    But until she quits the drugs, and it has to be HER decision or she won't, there is really nothing I know of that you can do. She is past the grounding age...what I mean is, she will leave even if you ground her. Do you live with her father? Does she listen better to him? As for her ODD diagnoses, that's not usually a very useful diagnosis and I'm guessing more is going on than that. But until she is clean, taking medication and going to therapy probably won't do much good and I'm guessing that she won't even go. Are there any psychiatric problems on either side of the family tree? Substance abusers?
  3. Froggy123

    Froggy123 New Member

    Thanks for your advice MidwestMom!

    What is an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? I am new to this discussion board and don't know the abbreviations yet.
    I am adopted and don't know about my biological family, but I can tell you a few things about myself. I have struggled with a drinking problem for many years now and her dad and I are separated at the moment. He is a great guy and great dad and we are trying to work it out. But I can see the damage it's done to my daughter. I guess I have to blame myself, but I try to be consistant and fair with her and nothing works. I discuss my drinking issue with her and of course says that will never happen to her. That's what I thought too.

    So do I just throw in the towel? Where do people get help? I am in AA and doing very well now and am proud of my progress. But since my daughter is never around, she doesn't see that. I feel like a complete failure.
  4. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    You're not a failure, you're just a human being trying to do her best. I had the same problem with a son who kept on running away. He started at 16 and we were legally responsible for him until his 18th b'day. The Police refused to help bring him home, they said it wasn't their job!

    If you can stay sober under such pressure my hat is off to you. Thank goodness for AA!
  5. compassion

    compassion Member

    Froggy, I have a daughter who did similar who was diagnosis bipolar (ODD is common sx). First thing, is medication. I see therapist for support for me and she has been seeing behavior analyst. Keep coming back!!! Compassion
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Is there a relative she could live with who's rules she might follow? We had to do that with my difficult child when he was amost 15. Had to protect our other kids and also me as he was violent.

    It sounds like she is involved with more than pot. Have you done a drug test? You can drag her to the doctor or do a home test. Knowing what she is on might help you figure out what direction to take. Rehab might be an option, IF she will go.

    Otherwise, every time she is out of the house with-o permission call the police and report her as a runaway. Same for if you see drugs or paraphernalia. Or other things that break the law. This may or may not help, but it will problem open up some other options.

    Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is residential treatment center, fyi. In the FAQ area there is a thread with all the abbreviations.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Of course don't just give up. I would let her know you are there for her if she wants your help in any way. THAT is really all you can do for her right now. Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s are Residential Treatment Centers.

    I would also ask your AA friends what they suggest doing about your daughter.
  8. MyFriendKita

    MyFriendKita Member

    We had similar problems with our son when he was 15-18. I don't agree with waiting for your daughter to quit drugs and decide she wants help before you do anything. When we were having problems with our son, I can tell you, that never would have happened. He just wanted us to butt out of his life so he could do what he wanted. We got my son involved with the juvenile justice system, which I wouldn't recommend to anyone, but sometimes it's the lesser of two evils. In our case, I was afraid my son was going to be badly hurt or he was going to hurt someone else, because he was so out of control. You might be able to get some ideas about what you can do by going to your police station and talking to them about your situation. Our local police were very helpful, but we live in a small town. I realize they might not be so helpful in a larger city.

    We did call the police every time our son left without our permission. Most of the time, I knew exactly where he was, and the police would go and bring him back. He did take off once and we didn't know where he was--we reported him as a runaway. He came back on his own, but that got him locked up in juvenile detention, since we had to notify the police when he came back home.

    We never turned him in for drugs, but we made him think we would. You can have your child drug tested at any walk-in clinic. In this state, the child does have to agree to the testing, but we told our son if he didn't comply, we would have his probation officer order the testing. If we found any drugs around the house, they got flushed. It might not have stopped him from doing drugs, but it did stop him from bringing anything in our house. We searched his room while he was at school to make sure nothing was hidden there. I wouldn't even allow him to have any drug symbols (for example, he brought home a candle shaped like a pot leaf, and I threw it away. Another time it was a t-shirt with a pot leaf on it). That might sound like we were going way overboard, but we wanted to make it clear we did not approve of illegal drug use. We did let him smoke cigarettes; at that point, that was a minor issue.

    We also spent a lot of time checking up on our son. If he was supposed to be at X's house, we would go to X's house to make sure. He wasn't always where he was supposed to be, but he knew we would go knocking on the doors of all of his friends and involve the police if we had to.

    The most important thing we did was have our son evaluated by a psychiatrist. We had to decide if he was just being a bratty, out-of-control teen, or if there was a reason for his behavior. We chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. Our son was diagnosis bipolar and put on a mood stabilizer, which made all the difference in the world. I'm not saying your daughter does or doesn't have a mental health problem, but if she does, nothing is going to change until she gets the correct diagnosis and treatment. But you definitely do have time to try and do something to change things without waiting for her to decide what's in her best interest. At 17, she's still under your control, even if it doesn't seem like it. Therapy never helped my son, either, but he complied with it because we forced it. He wanted to drive, so refusing therapy meant no car. Treatment did help, and he complied with that as well because we forced it. Once again, no medications meant no car.

    All of this was extremely difficult on all of us, and I wouldn't wish that kind of life on anyone, but this was our child, and we felt like we had to go to the lengths we did for him. It did pay off. I wouldn't call him a success story (yet), but he does stay out of trouble, doesn't do drugs, and is trying to go back to school (he did get his GED). He doesn't have a steady job, but he's looking. And he actually, occasionally, asks for our advice on things and wants to spend time with us. There was a time when he couldn't stand us, and the feeling was mutual.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I did those things too, and they didn't work. When SHE felt like it, she turned her life around. She was on drugs from ages 12-19. She is almost 26 now and in college to be a chef. She just bought her first house with her very nice SO. She is a joy. There are a lot of things one can do, but until a drug addict decides to quit, they won't. My daughter had been arrested twice and she still used drugs during that time, although we didn't know it until afterward (they are good at fooling us). So I agree to try, but to realize you can't force a seventeen year old to quit using drugs. Hopefully their upbringings will kick in and they will turn out as great as our two kids did. My daughter is honestly a delightful young adult. She is into herbs and organic foods and it's hard to get her to take an aspirin :D. But it had to come from her. She was well aware that we were terrified for her...we used to search her room all the time. And we did call the cops a few times FOR DRUGS.
  10. MyFriendKita

    MyFriendKita Member

    A drug abuser and a drug addict are two very different things. That may be true for an addict but not for an abuser. Glad kicking your daughter out worked out for you, but many of our kids don't have another relative willing to take them in. If I had kicked my son out, he would have ended up in the streets, and probably would have become an addict.
  11. change

    change New Member

    Hi Froggy,

    I have the same prolem. My daughter is VERY ODD. I feel mean all the time and my husband and I feel like we are living an alternate life because of her. I have no advice to offer that will help...I wish I knew the answer. What I want to say is congratulations to you for getting your life together. My daughter is adopted too but we never know if her problems are due entirely to that or if they're genetic. You sound like a strong person so pat yourself on the back and relish in the fact that you have yourself together. :)