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Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
17 yr old son, defiant and using
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<blockquote data-quote="amelia d" data-source="post: 637668" data-attributes="member: 18177"><p>Welcome..sorry that you need to be here. I wasn't going to weigh in..but nobody has brought up some of the things that I see being overlooked. I am raising a 19 y/o stepson who lost his mother when he was 6 y/o. I came into his life when he was around 11. Now to be fair, he has Aspergers. The diagnosis was made after I pushed his father because of things that didn't seem normal compared to my daughter of the same age. He has never accepted me as his mother. He is resentful, defiant, rude and creates many problems between his father and me. We have had him in therapy and the loss of his mother continues to come up. I don't think that people realize the magnitude the loss of your son's mother has created. It's not just what he no longer has; it's everything that he is missing (daily) because she is not here. To have that happen at 14, and so suddenly, it's devastating. Add to that a new family (with a mother who is "theirs..not his"), teen hormones and drug use, and you have a child who feels lost, unloved and unhappy. And he's willing to make everyone around him just as unhappy. I don't know what the family dynamics look like (how many kids are yours, hers, together, ages) or how well your wife interacts with your son. It is hard to raise someone else's child..and I speak from experience. He may not like her, and she may not like him. You may need to step back and look at their relationship from a safe distance. I think it's good for you to keep a defined, hard line on house rules; just be sure they are being applied to everyone the same. </p><p>I'd like to see your son in some kind of therapy. He is still a minor, so you can force him to participate. The other posters are correct that plenty of programs exist and presenting him with some options before forcing him into one, may help. Get some input from his physician and school counselors and do some online research. I feel for him. I lost my mother 18 years ago and still miss her..and I'm in my fifties.</p><p>Luck to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="amelia d, post: 637668, member: 18177"] Welcome..sorry that you need to be here. I wasn't going to weigh in..but nobody has brought up some of the things that I see being overlooked. I am raising a 19 y/o stepson who lost his mother when he was 6 y/o. I came into his life when he was around 11. Now to be fair, he has Aspergers. The diagnosis was made after I pushed his father because of things that didn't seem normal compared to my daughter of the same age. He has never accepted me as his mother. He is resentful, defiant, rude and creates many problems between his father and me. We have had him in therapy and the loss of his mother continues to come up. I don't think that people realize the magnitude the loss of your son's mother has created. It's not just what he no longer has; it's everything that he is missing (daily) because she is not here. To have that happen at 14, and so suddenly, it's devastating. Add to that a new family (with a mother who is "theirs..not his"), teen hormones and drug use, and you have a child who feels lost, unloved and unhappy. And he's willing to make everyone around him just as unhappy. I don't know what the family dynamics look like (how many kids are yours, hers, together, ages) or how well your wife interacts with your son. It is hard to raise someone else's child..and I speak from experience. He may not like her, and she may not like him. You may need to step back and look at their relationship from a safe distance. I think it's good for you to keep a defined, hard line on house rules; just be sure they are being applied to everyone the same. I'd like to see your son in some kind of therapy. He is still a minor, so you can force him to participate. The other posters are correct that plenty of programs exist and presenting him with some options before forcing him into one, may help. Get some input from his physician and school counselors and do some online research. I feel for him. I lost my mother 18 years ago and still miss her..and I'm in my fifties. Luck to you. [/QUOTE]
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17 yr old son, defiant and using
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