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18 year old son not going to therapy or taking his medication
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 734109" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Floundering mom. Welcome.</p><p></p><p>I have a different view to add to the mix Personally I do not think the diagnosis at this point is the only important thing or even the most important one.</p><p></p><p>And first let me preface my remarks, which will follow by saying this. They apply to me, as much or more than anyone.</p><p></p><p>Our adult children are empowered by our fear.</p><p></p><p>They use it to manipulate us, to seek advantage and instrumental gain. This dynamic may put our children at greater risk to self harm and to use suicidal gestures impulsively as a power play.</p><p></p><p>One of my challenges has been to grow a spine. So far, I am in the invertebrate category.</p><p></p><p>That said, I will tell you what I really think. I think you need to pick your battles. (And I will underscore again what a hypocrite I am because I am so bad at this.)</p><p></p><p>First, the pluses: he seems to have tapered very much the self harm. He is respectful and polite and to some extent compliant. He is in university and apparently meeting his obligations. He has been involved in church activities, in a leadership position, it seems. His behavior is sufficiently controlled that he does not overly disrespect you.</p><p></p><p>I agree. I would do almost anything to get those benzos out of the equation.</p><p></p><p>So. This is my take. His commitments and follow thru with church are his business. Whatever consequences that accrue are his to bear. I would try very hard to stay out of this . I might tell him in advance that your funding his return home from his camp or mission is not an option. And then let him decide what to do and let him handle it. Natural consequences.</p><p></p><p>Likewise, the medication and treatment issue. Based on the law where I live, he is legally an adult and entitled to make decisions about medical treatment, absent your involvement. You know this. He is telling you he is an adult and wants autonomy. </p><p></p><p>He is exercising his right. Here too there are natural consequences. If indeed he requires treatment he will become ill without it. And require emergency hospitalization. I think your son has a right to flex his muscles, and see how he does without treatment. Yes. This is very, very hard for us. I know.</p><p></p><p>But honestly. I do not see your place to stand here.</p><p></p><p>My son has a chronic illness which is life threatenning if not treated. He is mentally ill and not treatment compliant. It kills me. I pressure him. To gain favor he temporarily goes back on the pills and then stops. This is extremely risky behavior.</p><p></p><p>By inserting myself--even my worry--i exacerbate the situation.</p><p></p><p>Like you, I have issues. Like your husband, I have health problems. My energies and life force should be focused upon my own happiness, betterment, contentment, well being.</p><p></p><p>Our adult kids are not helped by their becoming the center of our lives. Yet this is what I did. And do.</p><p></p><p>My son lies too. I have read that this younger generation has a different way of seeing lying, than do older people. But nonetheless, it seems your son may lie sometimes to keep you out of his business and to misrepresent when he feels what you do or ask is intrusive on your part.</p><p></p><p>Or perhaps that is what my son does. For sure that is what he does.</p><p></p><p>Here at conduct dsorders we learn (in my case, slowly, very slowly) that the only control we have is changing ourselves. Our outlook. Our expectations. Our focus.</p><p></p><p>My focus need be me.</p><p></p><p>My expectation: that my son handle the consequences of his behavior and choices. Even ill health. Or worse. This is not something I have control over.</p><p></p><p>Outlook: If I cannot hold onto hope for myself, in light of this powerlessness over him, the problem is in me and the solution too.</p><p></p><p>There is always room for gratitude. In your story, I read a lot of positive. In my own, it is harder. But I see that part of that is focus and will.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for indulging me on your thread. I will practice gratitude. I will try.</p><p></p><p>Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 734109, member: 18958"] Floundering mom. Welcome. I have a different view to add to the mix Personally I do not think the diagnosis at this point is the only important thing or even the most important one. And first let me preface my remarks, which will follow by saying this. They apply to me, as much or more than anyone. Our adult children are empowered by our fear. They use it to manipulate us, to seek advantage and instrumental gain. This dynamic may put our children at greater risk to self harm and to use suicidal gestures impulsively as a power play. One of my challenges has been to grow a spine. So far, I am in the invertebrate category. That said, I will tell you what I really think. I think you need to pick your battles. (And I will underscore again what a hypocrite I am because I am so bad at this.) First, the pluses: he seems to have tapered very much the self harm. He is respectful and polite and to some extent compliant. He is in university and apparently meeting his obligations. He has been involved in church activities, in a leadership position, it seems. His behavior is sufficiently controlled that he does not overly disrespect you. I agree. I would do almost anything to get those benzos out of the equation. So. This is my take. His commitments and follow thru with church are his business. Whatever consequences that accrue are his to bear. I would try very hard to stay out of this . I might tell him in advance that your funding his return home from his camp or mission is not an option. And then let him decide what to do and let him handle it. Natural consequences. Likewise, the medication and treatment issue. Based on the law where I live, he is legally an adult and entitled to make decisions about medical treatment, absent your involvement. You know this. He is telling you he is an adult and wants autonomy. He is exercising his right. Here too there are natural consequences. If indeed he requires treatment he will become ill without it. And require emergency hospitalization. I think your son has a right to flex his muscles, and see how he does without treatment. Yes. This is very, very hard for us. I know. But honestly. I do not see your place to stand here. My son has a chronic illness which is life threatenning if not treated. He is mentally ill and not treatment compliant. It kills me. I pressure him. To gain favor he temporarily goes back on the pills and then stops. This is extremely risky behavior. By inserting myself--even my worry--i exacerbate the situation. Like you, I have issues. Like your husband, I have health problems. My energies and life force should be focused upon my own happiness, betterment, contentment, well being. Our adult kids are not helped by their becoming the center of our lives. Yet this is what I did. And do. My son lies too. I have read that this younger generation has a different way of seeing lying, than do older people. But nonetheless, it seems your son may lie sometimes to keep you out of his business and to misrepresent when he feels what you do or ask is intrusive on your part. Or perhaps that is what my son does. For sure that is what he does. Here at conduct dsorders we learn (in my case, slowly, very slowly) that the only control we have is changing ourselves. Our outlook. Our expectations. Our focus. My focus need be me. My expectation: that my son handle the consequences of his behavior and choices. Even ill health. Or worse. This is not something I have control over. Outlook: If I cannot hold onto hope for myself, in light of this powerlessness over him, the problem is in me and the solution too. There is always room for gratitude. In your story, I read a lot of positive. In my own, it is harder. But I see that part of that is focus and will. Thank you for indulging me on your thread. I will practice gratitude. I will try. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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18 year old son not going to therapy or taking his medication
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