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18 yr old son with depression refuses help
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 644207" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome LostMom. I am so sorry you are going through this with your son. Dealing with troubled kids is a uniquely devastating experience for us parents. As you are reading here, you are not alone. Most of us here on this forum have been through what you are talking about on one level or another. It isn't easy to watch your beloved child go off the rails.</p><p></p><p>One of the most important things you can do immediately is to make sure you get yourself some support. There are 12 step groups, private therapy, clergy, parent groups and there is NAMI which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access NAMI on line, they have chapters in many cities and they have excellent courses for parents of troubled kids. Getting support can help you maneuver through this maze of chaos and drama that our kids bring to us. Many of us need the help to figure out how to deal with all the feelings that come up, guilt, anger, resentment, sorrow, disappointment and a variety of other strong emotions. It is also helpful to have someone to help guide you through the process of detaching and accepting. </p><p></p><p>Your son is young, he may snap out of it. He may not. In the meantime it becomes imperative for you to set boundaries in your home that you will enforce. Without boundaries your life will be dragged around by the whims of an 18 year old erratic, depressed person. Boundaries will provide you and even your son with safety in knowing what he cannot be permitted to get away with. Even depressed and mentally ill people know right from wrong. If he is not psychotic or comatose, then he is able to understand boundaries.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. You may also want to read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. You will want to arm yourself with information, support, guidance and self care. Most of us have been so depleted by our kids we have forgotten what taking care of US is like. Make that a priority now. You are important too, you will need to nourish yourself and find ways to be kind to yourself. This is a very depleting journey, you will need to put the focus on yourself and begin to remove it from your son. At 18 he is considered an adult. That means in the eyes of the law, you have no power over his choices. That powerlessness if very difficult for us parents to accept. We want to help, to take care of, to nurture and to keep them safe. But, we can't. That is VERY hard for us to take in. It takes time and a lot of support. We make mistakes. We enable them. We go back and forth for awhile. But in the end, for most of us, letting them go is the answer. Letting them go into their own lives, their own destiny, whatever that is, is hard for us, but it is usually the truth of the situation. We have to learn how to respond differently. We have to learn how to say NO. </p><p></p><p>None of this is easy. In fact, it is very hard. Which is why I always advocate getting support. I needed a village to help me. Keep sharing your story, as you feel up to it, that will help you to clarify it and receiving others input will help you not feel alone anymore. Get yourself some support and be very kind to yourself. I'm glad you're here with us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 644207, member: 13542"] Welcome LostMom. I am so sorry you are going through this with your son. Dealing with troubled kids is a uniquely devastating experience for us parents. As you are reading here, you are not alone. Most of us here on this forum have been through what you are talking about on one level or another. It isn't easy to watch your beloved child go off the rails. One of the most important things you can do immediately is to make sure you get yourself some support. There are 12 step groups, private therapy, clergy, parent groups and there is NAMI which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access NAMI on line, they have chapters in many cities and they have excellent courses for parents of troubled kids. Getting support can help you maneuver through this maze of chaos and drama that our kids bring to us. Many of us need the help to figure out how to deal with all the feelings that come up, guilt, anger, resentment, sorrow, disappointment and a variety of other strong emotions. It is also helpful to have someone to help guide you through the process of detaching and accepting. Your son is young, he may snap out of it. He may not. In the meantime it becomes imperative for you to set boundaries in your home that you will enforce. Without boundaries your life will be dragged around by the whims of an 18 year old erratic, depressed person. Boundaries will provide you and even your son with safety in knowing what he cannot be permitted to get away with. Even depressed and mentally ill people know right from wrong. If he is not psychotic or comatose, then he is able to understand boundaries. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. You may also want to read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. You will want to arm yourself with information, support, guidance and self care. Most of us have been so depleted by our kids we have forgotten what taking care of US is like. Make that a priority now. You are important too, you will need to nourish yourself and find ways to be kind to yourself. This is a very depleting journey, you will need to put the focus on yourself and begin to remove it from your son. At 18 he is considered an adult. That means in the eyes of the law, you have no power over his choices. That powerlessness if very difficult for us parents to accept. We want to help, to take care of, to nurture and to keep them safe. But, we can't. That is VERY hard for us to take in. It takes time and a lot of support. We make mistakes. We enable them. We go back and forth for awhile. But in the end, for most of us, letting them go is the answer. Letting them go into their own lives, their own destiny, whatever that is, is hard for us, but it is usually the truth of the situation. We have to learn how to respond differently. We have to learn how to say NO. None of this is easy. In fact, it is very hard. Which is why I always advocate getting support. I needed a village to help me. Keep sharing your story, as you feel up to it, that will help you to clarify it and receiving others input will help you not feel alone anymore. Get yourself some support and be very kind to yourself. I'm glad you're here with us. [/QUOTE]
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