Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
19 year old daughter has no interest in a relationship with her father
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="SeeingShootingStars" data-source="post: 629086" data-attributes="member: 18116"><p>Post 2 of 2</p><p> </p><p>When Samantha was five, she told me (with her mom standing right next to her) that she wanted to start calling her stepdad "Dad" and that I could be "Daddy". This was after less than a year of her mom being married. I was dumbfounded as to how a 5 year old child could have thoughts like this without influence. It was not explained to me by her mom, and again my top goal was not to pressure my daughter either way, so I could say nothing else but OK.</p><p>As Samantha got older, she would start calling me directly to cancel time that had been previously scheduled on the "calendar" which became increasingly necessary as she now had a step-brother, friends to see and what seemed to be multitudes of family events to attend with her mom's side of the family. I began to realize that these were just excuses so that she did not have to come over. Again, I did not pressure her or make her uncomfortable because of the decisions she was making, but I did begin to express to her that I was concerned that she didn't want to come over and she told me that she was getting a lot of pressure from her mom and that it was easier to say "no" to me.</p><p>By the time Samantha had turned 11, our time together had been diminished to dinner on Wednesday nights when she could make it, and occasionally a couple hours at the mall or something of that nature on the weekends. She stopped sleeping over all together. I kept a bedroom for her until she was 14 years old, at which point I moved to a smaller home, due to the expense and the unnecessary extra space in my old place.</p><p>At this point, I began questioning our relationship and asking for more time with her. As she got older, Samantha did not like this and told me that it makes her want to see me less when I "complain" about not seeing her. On several occasions, this lead to a more heated exchange of words involving her needing to understand that I am her father and other back and forth arguments about the silliest things that lead to some sort of blow up which would ultimately lead to her not wanting to talk to me for months at a time. After these times passed, I would be able to finally see her for dinner or something, but the process would repeat. This happened three separate times, during which I time I was seeing a therapist regularly, who recommended that Samantha and I do counseling together. Samantha did not want to participate in counseling so I went on my own and learned a lot about how family systems operate.</p><p>I backed away. Again. I apologized for pressuring Samantha and told her that I was there for her whenever she needed. I never had the experiences that a father and daughter would typically have. I know this because I have a sister and see how her and my father interact. Samantha did not involve me in her college selection process even though I offered to co-sign loans for her college. Her mom and step dad decided to lend her the money for school directly and within a period of three months, they had sold their house, purchased a much larger one, obtained a home equity line of credit and loaned her the money directly.</p><p>She is now in her 2nd year of college. I deposit $160 a month into a bank account for her. She tells me that she doesn't need it and I don't have to do it. We barely have a relationship and I fear that I will become even less important to her as she begins her own life.</p><p>What is causing me to write this is that we just got back from a 5 day vacation, during which time she acted as if she did not even want to be with me. Thinking that I could change something about myself, I approached her and said the following: "It is quite obvious to me that you don't prefer to spend time with me. Without rehashing the past, I would like to know what I can do different moving forward so that we can start a new relationship as adults." Her reply was "I don't know". I told her that I didn't need an answer right now, but if she thinks of anything to please let me know because I would like to have a meaningful relationship with her for the rest of her life. She does not seem to think that there is any problem, but I can tell you for sure that there is and this was not the first time we have had similar conversations.</p><p>The ultimate reason for me writing is for advice. I have a better job opportunity 800 miles from where I currently live, which would involve me moving 12 hours away. I can stay where I am professionally and try to do more to improve my relationship with Samantha (although I don't know what else I might be able to do - any suggestions are more than welcome) OR I can take the better job opportunity, advance my professional career and hope that Samantha comes back to me when she is ready to have a relationship. I have spent days on end crying about this most recent problem and simply cannot come to accept that my daughter is not interested in getting to know me better. I realize that she is moving on to her own life now and that I should move on with mine. My therapist tells me that I need to accept this and move on with my life.</p><p>Any help or advice you can provide would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SeeingShootingStars, post: 629086, member: 18116"] Post 2 of 2 When Samantha was five, she told me (with her mom standing right next to her) that she wanted to start calling her stepdad "Dad" and that I could be "Daddy". This was after less than a year of her mom being married. I was dumbfounded as to how a 5 year old child could have thoughts like this without influence. It was not explained to me by her mom, and again my top goal was not to pressure my daughter either way, so I could say nothing else but OK. As Samantha got older, she would start calling me directly to cancel time that had been previously scheduled on the "calendar" which became increasingly necessary as she now had a step-brother, friends to see and what seemed to be multitudes of family events to attend with her mom's side of the family. I began to realize that these were just excuses so that she did not have to come over. Again, I did not pressure her or make her uncomfortable because of the decisions she was making, but I did begin to express to her that I was concerned that she didn't want to come over and she told me that she was getting a lot of pressure from her mom and that it was easier to say "no" to me. By the time Samantha had turned 11, our time together had been diminished to dinner on Wednesday nights when she could make it, and occasionally a couple hours at the mall or something of that nature on the weekends. She stopped sleeping over all together. I kept a bedroom for her until she was 14 years old, at which point I moved to a smaller home, due to the expense and the unnecessary extra space in my old place. At this point, I began questioning our relationship and asking for more time with her. As she got older, Samantha did not like this and told me that it makes her want to see me less when I "complain" about not seeing her. On several occasions, this lead to a more heated exchange of words involving her needing to understand that I am her father and other back and forth arguments about the silliest things that lead to some sort of blow up which would ultimately lead to her not wanting to talk to me for months at a time. After these times passed, I would be able to finally see her for dinner or something, but the process would repeat. This happened three separate times, during which I time I was seeing a therapist regularly, who recommended that Samantha and I do counseling together. Samantha did not want to participate in counseling so I went on my own and learned a lot about how family systems operate. I backed away. Again. I apologized for pressuring Samantha and told her that I was there for her whenever she needed. I never had the experiences that a father and daughter would typically have. I know this because I have a sister and see how her and my father interact. Samantha did not involve me in her college selection process even though I offered to co-sign loans for her college. Her mom and step dad decided to lend her the money for school directly and within a period of three months, they had sold their house, purchased a much larger one, obtained a home equity line of credit and loaned her the money directly. She is now in her 2nd year of college. I deposit $160 a month into a bank account for her. She tells me that she doesn't need it and I don't have to do it. We barely have a relationship and I fear that I will become even less important to her as she begins her own life. What is causing me to write this is that we just got back from a 5 day vacation, during which time she acted as if she did not even want to be with me. Thinking that I could change something about myself, I approached her and said the following: "It is quite obvious to me that you don't prefer to spend time with me. Without rehashing the past, I would like to know what I can do different moving forward so that we can start a new relationship as adults." Her reply was "I don't know". I told her that I didn't need an answer right now, but if she thinks of anything to please let me know because I would like to have a meaningful relationship with her for the rest of her life. She does not seem to think that there is any problem, but I can tell you for sure that there is and this was not the first time we have had similar conversations. The ultimate reason for me writing is for advice. I have a better job opportunity 800 miles from where I currently live, which would involve me moving 12 hours away. I can stay where I am professionally and try to do more to improve my relationship with Samantha (although I don't know what else I might be able to do - any suggestions are more than welcome) OR I can take the better job opportunity, advance my professional career and hope that Samantha comes back to me when she is ready to have a relationship. I have spent days on end crying about this most recent problem and simply cannot come to accept that my daughter is not interested in getting to know me better. I realize that she is moving on to her own life now and that I should move on with mine. My therapist tells me that I need to accept this and move on with my life. Any help or advice you can provide would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
19 year old daughter has no interest in a relationship with her father
Top