19 year old kicked out for the 4th time....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by last_straw_41, Aug 10, 2011.

  1. last_straw_41

    last_straw_41 New Member

    Hi All,

    New here and looking for some advice or support. My son used to me a very nice, funny, kind kid. Around the time he turned 15 or 16, it has been downhill from there. He is 19 years old now and I just had to kick him out of the house for the 4th time. He has only been back in the house for 1 week. I sat down with him this time and tried talking to him like a young adult. I explained the rules of my home and what I would and would not tolerate.

    All of the times that he was kicked out was for the same reasons. He is disrespectful, hard to talk to even when I am trying extra hard to be nice, he has no concern for other people, he sneaks his friends in and out of my home when I don't know about it, items have been stolen and I have found beer and weed in his room. When I try to address his behavior, he gets very agitated and starts yelling and telling me to shut up and quit talking to him.

    I have told him that he may not have people in my home. Within one week, he had someone sleeping over that I walked in on. Although he knows the rules, he has broken then within one week. Today when I addressed it...the same irrational behavior. This time he cursed at me and called me names. Told me I was a home wrecker (His dad and I are divorced) and much more.

    I do not want to deal with him. When he is in my home, I am tense and very stressed. I don't want to leave the house long for fear he is allowing his friends to come in and ransack the place. He can not live with me in his current state. I have tried to suggest he get help but that is impossible. I had to call the police on him last time because when he was confronted about sneaking people in my home at 2:30 a.m. ( I caught him), he punched holes in my walls and tore down a door.

    I feel like I have a right to be happy. I work very hard and when I come home, I want to have a peaceful environment. Idon't feel like I should be obligated to allow my son to speak to me any kind of way he wants to. As he left this time, he threatened to break all my windows out. This is not the kid I raised and I feel like I have done something or not done something to produce this kind of child. I don't know how to help him at this point. When he is not at home, I feel so releived that I don't have to bite my tongue or be forced to address this horrible choices. He has no respect for anyone.

    I don't know if I am asking anything. Just wanted to understand what is wrong with im and if anyone else has experienced this type of behaviour. How did you cope with it? What he heck do I do.
  2. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I don't have experience with this (yet, hopefully never), but many of the parents here do. I think most of them post on some of the other forums. Just wanted to welcome you.
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Last Straw,
    Welcome! You have definitely found a soft place to land. As we tell newcomers, glad you found us but sorry you needed to.

    Often times we have more questions at first so we can be more helpful.
    Has he ever seen a child psychiatrist or a neuro-psychologist? Both of these can give a good picture of what may be going on with your son.

    I think it is good that you are not allowing him in your home right now. I agree with your statement that you have a right to a peaceful environment.

    My difficult child is only 14 so I haven't been where you are yet, as Liahona said others will be along with more experience.
  4. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    Hi there and welcome!

    I think you are doing amazingly alright and you are responding correctly by refusing to be his doormat or enabling his rude and disrespectful behavior. The scared, nervous, resentful and unhappy/uncomfortable feelings you have - you are entitled to [and then some] - and having been down that road myself - I know it took a long time getting there and also a long time to get to the point of overcoming the "parenting guilt trip".

    You are totally in the right to say NO to him and to put him out. It is obvious that he is just playing along in order to get a crash pad, with no intent to honor any of your terms. Put him out, tell him it us the last time he was welcome to stay in your home, and until he is willing to deal with and work on resolving his problems, for the time being - this is it. I'd also let him know if he thinks to go through with his threat of breaking all of your windows, you will have him arrested [and be firm about that too!]. He already knows that you will not hesitate to call the cops on him, maybe that will make him reconsider following through.

    Do protect yourself, change your locks, make sure the windows, garage, storage doors are closed and locked when you go to work, think about adding a security system or getting a large new dog to your household. If you think he might have stolen from you, do an inventory on your bank and credit cards, check your checkbook and the unused new checks that are still in boxes somewhere. Change all internet and banking/credit related passwords [all of them and make them significantly different from what they were before!] Call or go to the police and make them aware that there is trouble brewing, and that he is not allowed to be on or near the premises.

    This forum is a good place to be - we all more or less "been there done that" and some of us multiple times as yourself. Hang in there and allow yourself to grief but also to be free from the mayhem that follows your difficult child around. Heartfelt hugs!
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I want to invite you to post your story on Parent Emeritus for parents of difficult young adults (18 and over). A lot of people here are dealing with much younger children. Some have had difficult child's who are older though. I did.

    You have every right to want peace and quiet in your own home. I am guessing that your son is probably doing more drugs than just pot just as my daughter was (although she only confessed to pot at the time). If so, he is stealing to buy drugs from not-so-nice, even dangerous people. (I didn't think it was possible either, but my daughter did clean up her act and since then has told me the whole ugly story of her drug using life). Since he is using drugs, it is unlikely than any sort of evaluation will be accurate. My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, which made me feel sorry for her, but now that she has been clean, she clearly is not bipolar. The drugs were causing her disrespect, meltdowns and stealing. We gave her several chances, but she blew them all so we made her leave. That was when s he changed her life, not before. There is no guarantees that this will make your child change his life, but at his age and knowing the rules I would not allow him to live in your home since he refuses to address his problem or behaviors. He will survive...they are resilient. They will find somewhere to stay.
    I also recommend going to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting. I found them very helpful and compassionate, although they do advocate not using kid gloves on a drug/alcohol user. Your son did not suddenly become difficult for no reason and the most common reason an older teen suddenly changes is substance abuse. And the easier it is for him to abuse drugs/alcohol and still have a soft bed to sleep in, the less incentive he/she has to quit.
    We were very hard on our daughter and I cried many tears and stayed up worrying many nights. She moved out of state and in with her brother, who laid down rules that were even tougher than mine, but, in her case, she was ready to quit and followed the rules. She told me that every time she tried to quit in Wisconsin, where we live, her "friends" would threaten her and taunt her until she started using drugs again.
    Again, I urge you to post on Parent Emeritus as many of us have been through exactly what you are going through now.
    Good luck and keep us posted!