Hi I need some advice from other parents on what to do with my 19 year old who loves to smoke pot every day-my husband is making him move out by the end of the month-He has always been such a great kid until his senior year I noticed some changes in him my husband suspected he was smoking pot.....two days after graduation he was arrested for driving and smoking pot -we helped him out of that and he got an ARD program. He was on probation for 6 months and had to do community service -I now find out that he was smoking fake pot in case they drug tested him. He has two jobs one at school and one at a grocery store. We require him to make payments for his car insurance and cell phone and fines we paid for the pot arrest He was doing good with payments but has been skipping the payments I am pretty sure after probation was over he started smoking the real pot again and now smokes even more-he does not consider pot a drug but a medication he thinks he has ADHD I was seeing counselor as well as my son but he stopped going because the counselor tested him for adhd and he said my son may have this and should be on prescribed medication which my son says pot is his medicine counselor said I could not make him come back---- I stopped going to the counselor he just kept insisting I go to Al-non which I did not want to do at that time-he really loves school and is doing well except for the 1 class he flunked my husband wants him out of the house and my husband told him we will not pay for school anymore I really wanted him to finish college. I am very upset as I am writing this not sure what to do-my son told me he will drop out of school and he is not sure where he will live-all his friends are pot smokers even some of the parents are into this -I am afraid he will get into worse stuff or even sell drugs for money-he told my older son who is 24 and a great kid-that he has been offered jobs to sell pot-he also has use of our older car which my husband is taking off him also-I am also facing major surgery in a few weeks and I am thinking about cancelling that as far possible because I am so stressed and upset-any advice will be appreciated.
19 year old pot smoker
- Thread starter princess
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AmericanGirl
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Welcome Princess!
I have been in your shoes as many others on this board have been. I'm certain they will be replying to you as well.
Please try Al-anon. I resisted it too but now I know it has changed my life and my son's life. I'm calmer and more rational. If you don't want to try an in-person meeting, you can listen in anonymously on some phone meetings. (Google al-anon phone meetings.) However, the face to face support is so valuable.
My 18 year old son will finish treatment Friday with 99 days of sobriety. This is the same 4.0 GPA kid who was now flunking out of college in March and told me he didn't care about anything....he would sleep in a ditch...nothing bothered him, etc., etc.
My son was prescribed ADHD medications. I learned he was selling them to get cash for alcohol. I am encouraging you to lock up all your medications along with any valuables. I was glad I had done that before I ever knew of his addiction.
Back to the ADHD, I chose a rehab that would test him for any other co-existing mental condition. Many addicts have an underlying issue with drives the need to sedate themselves. I know my child is ADHD but also knew he could never use the medications after this and he needed proper diagnosis and treatment.
As for the fake pot....I personally know two families who have buried their sons because of it. The stats are alarming. My state has been very proactive in passing laws against it....and against any similar substance those idiots create.
I know this is disjointed but I hope I wrote something that will help. I'm so very sorry you are facing surgery soon. Please keep reading and keep posting!!
I have been in your shoes as many others on this board have been. I'm certain they will be replying to you as well.
Please try Al-anon. I resisted it too but now I know it has changed my life and my son's life. I'm calmer and more rational. If you don't want to try an in-person meeting, you can listen in anonymously on some phone meetings. (Google al-anon phone meetings.) However, the face to face support is so valuable.
My 18 year old son will finish treatment Friday with 99 days of sobriety. This is the same 4.0 GPA kid who was now flunking out of college in March and told me he didn't care about anything....he would sleep in a ditch...nothing bothered him, etc., etc.
My son was prescribed ADHD medications. I learned he was selling them to get cash for alcohol. I am encouraging you to lock up all your medications along with any valuables. I was glad I had done that before I ever knew of his addiction.
Back to the ADHD, I chose a rehab that would test him for any other co-existing mental condition. Many addicts have an underlying issue with drives the need to sedate themselves. I know my child is ADHD but also knew he could never use the medications after this and he needed proper diagnosis and treatment.
As for the fake pot....I personally know two families who have buried their sons because of it. The stats are alarming. My state has been very proactive in passing laws against it....and against any similar substance those idiots create.
I know this is disjointed but I hope I wrote something that will help. I'm so very sorry you are facing surgery soon. Please keep reading and keep posting!!
I think your husband is on the right track. The bottom line of it is that it's your home and you deserve to be able to leave in peace in your drug free home. You have informed him of the terms of living in your house. He is now an adult and if he cannot comply, he must find his own living situation. I tend to agree with you on the school thing - if he is getting Bs or better, I would still want to support him being in schooleven if he is not at home as that is a positive, but I do not blame your husband for not wanting your son's drug using lifestyle under his nose in his own home. Don't listen to your son's threats about dropping out, he is just trying to control the situation. If he chooses to drop out, that's his choice, you can't control that. His threats are the threats of someone who is resisting the process of growing up. I believe the only way to help thm is to not enable their choices by making it easy. I have also heard the argument for ADHD and pot from other pot smokers. There is medication for ADHD. If he wants it, you can support that. Most kids that I have known that have ADHD and smoke pot use it as a crutch to avoid doing the hard work of overcoming their ADHD and it holds them in an unmotivated, unproductive vice. If you can find a counselor with good experience helping parents of addicts, I think it would be very helpful. In the initial phases of dealing with my young pot smoking ADHD son, I too was afraid of his threats and felt bad coming down too hard. I learned that the easier we were, the more manipulative he became. He has been through many programs and is making progress and he thinks we ar the strictest, most ridiculous parents, but I don't care. I WILL NOT stand by passively hoping he grows up.
Welcome princess. I have heard many young people who who start out smoking pot and say it is for their ADHD. Personally I think it's an excuse. Our neighbor's son started this way and eventually moved on to heroin. He spent six months in jail and many more in court ordered treatment. He sold my difficult child her first pot cigarette and she has been hooked ever since.
Spice is very very dangerous. They just had a report on spice on our local tv and said our hospitals are seeing a big increase of young people who have used it. Severla have died. It is more dangerous than pot, it is synthetic with chemicals added to it that have had fatal consequences for some.
I know there are people who can smoke pot and be perfectly fine. It is still illegal and if he is even thinking baout selling it he will be connected with some very dangerous people and puttinghis future in serious jeopardy.
You have a right to live in a home free from pot. If he wants to continue living there he cannot use drugs. I agree with your husband. We had to kick our daughter out of the house at 19. She is now 21 and still using and drinking. We have had to face the fact that she may end up dead or in jail, but we just couldn't live like we were living any longer. I pray for her every day and if she wants help we will be there to support her, but until then I have had to learn how to detach and go on with my life. It is hard, very hard, but it was essential.
Nancy
Spice is very very dangerous. They just had a report on spice on our local tv and said our hospitals are seeing a big increase of young people who have used it. Severla have died. It is more dangerous than pot, it is synthetic with chemicals added to it that have had fatal consequences for some.
I know there are people who can smoke pot and be perfectly fine. It is still illegal and if he is even thinking baout selling it he will be connected with some very dangerous people and puttinghis future in serious jeopardy.
You have a right to live in a home free from pot. If he wants to continue living there he cannot use drugs. I agree with your husband. We had to kick our daughter out of the house at 19. She is now 21 and still using and drinking. We have had to face the fact that she may end up dead or in jail, but we just couldn't live like we were living any longer. I pray for her every day and if she wants help we will be there to support her, but until then I have had to learn how to detach and go on with my life. It is hard, very hard, but it was essential.
Nancy
exhausted
Active Member
Hi Princess. Smoking pot is like playing roulette. some can and some move on. Sounds like your son is willing to do anything to get that feeling of "I am ok". Spice is dangerous and is often an unknown because it is made of so many different things. When kids o.d. on it, even doctors don't know how to help because finding the substance is so tricky. Yet your son did it to beat the system.
I go to a 12 step program called Families Anonymous-you can google and see if there is a meeting. It is the first 12 step I felt good about, we are all parents or family members of addicts or those with mental health issues.(Mostly both) Some of what we say to you here may sound harsh at this point-but I promise it all makes sense when you gain an understanding. What we percieve as help often makes matters worse and pushes them even further into addiction. Your husband is on the right track.
Your fears are real, however the reality is, if he decides to deal pot or go further down the track that is his decision and not yours. Nothing you do will keep him from it until he decides he wants help or you can get him help. There are nonstimulant ADHD drugs out there that he could use if he wanted to. Yes pot is a drug that works-only thing our difficult child has taken that changes her. However, it is illegal and is a gateway for those who have the genetic risk of addiction. It also makes them lazy and not care-too laid back at times. I recommend offering help in the form of seeing a psychiatric for medications. and a drug program like MA. I would not pay for school until he is clean and is paying his bills to you. Sometimes struggle helpd addicts make the choice to get treatment. Sometimes, esp. when our kids are mentally ill, it takes time after time. Please keep us posted and find support in a meeting-maybe even a C.H.A.D.D. meeting would be helpful.
I go to a 12 step program called Families Anonymous-you can google and see if there is a meeting. It is the first 12 step I felt good about, we are all parents or family members of addicts or those with mental health issues.(Mostly both) Some of what we say to you here may sound harsh at this point-but I promise it all makes sense when you gain an understanding. What we percieve as help often makes matters worse and pushes them even further into addiction. Your husband is on the right track.
Your fears are real, however the reality is, if he decides to deal pot or go further down the track that is his decision and not yours. Nothing you do will keep him from it until he decides he wants help or you can get him help. There are nonstimulant ADHD drugs out there that he could use if he wanted to. Yes pot is a drug that works-only thing our difficult child has taken that changes her. However, it is illegal and is a gateway for those who have the genetic risk of addiction. It also makes them lazy and not care-too laid back at times. I recommend offering help in the form of seeing a psychiatric for medications. and a drug program like MA. I would not pay for school until he is clean and is paying his bills to you. Sometimes struggle helpd addicts make the choice to get treatment. Sometimes, esp. when our kids are mentally ill, it takes time after time. Please keep us posted and find support in a meeting-maybe even a C.H.A.D.D. meeting would be helpful.
Wow, I came hear looking for help - very similar situation.
My son is 18.5 and just graduated HS. VERY high IQ, a&B studetn in school, but has always been oppositional.
Has been on medications for ADD since 12. He was very involved in out-of school athletics at an elite level until Jr year.
We found out late in 2011that he has been smoking port for almost 2 years.
promised to quit and actually think he id
However he has been caught with pop, pipes, lighters etc. - multiple times over last 3 months by husband or I or both.
Husband had latent alcohol abuse issues and I was treated for shopping addition.
I have been 'clean' - no credit card binges for 2 years - husband has been mostly sober for 3 years. I am worried that he is slipping as work pressures are ridicuolouly high.
I have found son's weed and bongs 3x in last 10 days - that I have not told husband about as I am worried about him going over the edge.
Son see counselor, but does not seem to want to or have any incentive to quit smoking.
He has smoked in our house - while alone and with 13 yr old son in other part of house
he is not a bad kid, just that i see this habit controlling him.
He is supposed to go away to big 10 school in fall and frankly - I am worried that he will blow everything, money, opportunity, etc.
Any suggestions on where to start?
My son is 18.5 and just graduated HS. VERY high IQ, a&B studetn in school, but has always been oppositional.
Has been on medications for ADD since 12. He was very involved in out-of school athletics at an elite level until Jr year.
We found out late in 2011that he has been smoking port for almost 2 years.
promised to quit and actually think he id
However he has been caught with pop, pipes, lighters etc. - multiple times over last 3 months by husband or I or both.
Husband had latent alcohol abuse issues and I was treated for shopping addition.
I have been 'clean' - no credit card binges for 2 years - husband has been mostly sober for 3 years. I am worried that he is slipping as work pressures are ridicuolouly high.
I have found son's weed and bongs 3x in last 10 days - that I have not told husband about as I am worried about him going over the edge.
Son see counselor, but does not seem to want to or have any incentive to quit smoking.
He has smoked in our house - while alone and with 13 yr old son in other part of house
he is not a bad kid, just that i see this habit controlling him.
He is supposed to go away to big 10 school in fall and frankly - I am worried that he will blow everything, money, opportunity, etc.
Any suggestions on where to start?
A
AmericanGirl
Guest
At that age, they usually don't get a reason to stop on their own. They are just too immature to grasp the situation. Besides, society mostly says it is okay.
Do you have a therapist? Have you gone to Al-anon or a similar group? Is your husband attending AA regularly?
What do you do with the items you have found? What does your child say to you about it? Any legal issues? Where is he getting the cash for this?
My son is 19. I've seen him and several of his friends literally go off the deep end in the last year. One was just smoking pot at 17 and was arrested for running a meth lab at 18. Another is an even sadder case. I'm not saying your child will (or has) gone there. I'm saying the possibility for worse is there, especially when he gets into a university environment.
Do you have a therapist? Have you gone to Al-anon or a similar group? Is your husband attending AA regularly?
What do you do with the items you have found? What does your child say to you about it? Any legal issues? Where is he getting the cash for this?
My son is 19. I've seen him and several of his friends literally go off the deep end in the last year. One was just smoking pot at 17 and was arrested for running a meth lab at 18. Another is an even sadder case. I'm not saying your child will (or has) gone there. I'm saying the possibility for worse is there, especially when he gets into a university environment.
I have seen a -therapist but stopped in February my son and I were going together as well as individually but when my son told the therapist he thought he had ADD and the therapist tested him and told him he may have ADD and suggested he see his primary care doctor for medication my son would not go back. His one "friend" told him thathis brother took medications for this and became violent -as I said before my son thinks pot is his medication. After my son stopped going I went for a few months but I found the sessions not as helpful as when my son was going-the therapist thought he was reaching him a little I thought the same -the last two sessions all the therapist would keep telling me was to go to Al-non-I am not sure I want to go this group-I wish there was an in person parent group like this group in my area that would meet. I am afraid my son is may be using more than pot I have no proof I am just suspicious of him -I would like to find another therapist to discuss him as well as a couple of other issues I am dealing with but I am not sure where to start. My husband will not go to any therapist or group-his answer is to throw him out. My son works at a grocery store and also works at the college he attends for work study so that is were the cash comes from-I sometimes find it hard to believe all this is happening to my family-we were such a great family at least I thought before all this drug issues started.
exhausted
Active Member
This does not mean you are not a great family. Like most of us, we did the very best we could. We offered love and support etc. Kids make choices that we cannot control. This is why a 12 step would be very helpful. I did not find an Alanon that worked for me, but Families Anonymous is a 12 step-and is much like this group. I have learned what changes I can make to begin to have happiness again and also begun to understand that I am not alone. I did not cause this problem and I do not have to live in shame and embarressment. There are no perfect families! You are not alone. I got counselor recommendations from some of my FA friends-very helpful because they knew people who understood mu daughters issues. I am sorry that husband is not on the same page as you are about getting help, however, if your son does not respect your home and uses in your home and has paraphenalia there, I would also be thinking about him moving out.
I second the idea that there is no such thing as a perfect family. For years I kept our problems with difficult child to myself because I didn't want others to know that we didn't have a perfect family. When I finally started opening up about difficult child, every single person I talked to had a story to tell about their family's difficult child whether it was a parent, sibling, or child. I was amazed at how eager people were to open up about their family problems.
I think many of us think we are the only one that has these type of issues in our family and it takes a great weight off our shoulders when we realize that we are not the only one and that there are other people who understand what we are going through.
So whether it is joining a forum like this or going to a group like Al-Anon or Families Anonymous, reaching out to others can be a life saver.
~Kathy
I think many of us think we are the only one that has these type of issues in our family and it takes a great weight off our shoulders when we realize that we are not the only one and that there are other people who understand what we are going through.
So whether it is joining a forum like this or going to a group like Al-Anon or Families Anonymous, reaching out to others can be a life saver.
~Kathy
