19 year old son kicked out for the 4th time

[last_straw_41]

Hi All,

New here and looking for some advice or support. My son used to me a very nice, funny, kind kid. Around the time he turned 15 or 16, it has been downhill from there. He is 19 years old now and I just had to kick him out of the house for the 4th time. He has only been back in the house for 1 week. I sat down with him this time and tried talking to him like a young adult. I explained the rules of my home and what I would and would not tolerate.

All of the times that he was kicked out was for the same reasons. He is disrespectful, hard to talk to even when I am trying extra hard to be nice, he has no concern for other people, he sneaks his friends in and out of my home when I don't know about it, items have been stolen and I have found beer and weed in his room. When I try to address his behavior, he gets very agitated and starts yelling and telling me to shut up and quit talking to him.

I have told him that he may not have people in my home. Within one week, he had someone sleeping over that I walked in on. Although he knows the rules, he has broken then within one week. Today when I addressed it...the same irrational behavior. This time he cursed at me and called me names. Told me I was a home wrecker (His dad and I are divorced) and much more.

I do not want to deal with him. When he is in my home, I am tense and very stressed. I don't want to leave the house long for fear he is allowing his friends to come in and ransack the place. He can not live with me in his current state. I have tried to suggest he get help but that is impossible. I had to call the police on him last time because when he was confronted about sneaking people in my home at 2:30 a.m. ( I caught him), he punched holes in my walls and tore down a door.

I feel like I have a right to be happy. I work very hard and when I come home, I want to have a peaceful environment. Idon't feel like I should be obligated to allow my son to speak to me any kind of way he wants to. As he left this time, he threatened to break all my windows out. This is not the kid I raised and I feel like I have done something or not done something to produce this kind of child. I don't know how to help him at this point. When he is not at home, I feel so releived that I don't have to bite my tongue or be forced to address this horrible choices. He has no respect for anyone.

I don't know if I am asking anything. Just wanted to understand what is wrong with im and if anyone else has experienced this type of behaviour. How did you cope with it? What he heck do I do.
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[DammitJanet]

Hi Last Straw. Welcome to our little corner of the universe but sorry you have to join us because the membership price is kinda high isnt it?

So pain in the rear son is 19 now and this all started around 15/16 huh? Is that when you and dad divorced or did you divorce before then? Does your son have any psychiatric problems such as bipolar or depression? Does he have any learning disabilities? Are there any substance abuse issues in the family tree on either side of the family? If son was fairly normal up till 15/16, I would be apt to think drugs or drinking play a huge part in his behavior. You are absolutely right in that you dont have to put up with this.

I assume your son is out of HS right? If so then you can tell him to get out now. If he wont leave willingly and nicely, then absolutely call the cops and have him removed. I hate the fact that he is threatening you. You may want to look into getting an alarm system installed.

Anyway...just wanted to welcome you. Im not feeling real well today so I will let someone else come along and say Hi!

 

[last_straw_41]

Hi and thanks. He has always been a little hard-headed but not defiant until one day he just flat out told me he wasnt coming home by his curfew. That was the earliest memory of this crazy behavior. His dad and I were still together. We don't have a history of drug abuse on my side but his biological father used drugs. He never met him because he killed himself when my son was 10 or 11 years old. My husband of 13 years was his father figure and a good one and still trys to stay in touch with him but he won't have it since the divorce. He is out of high school, has been arrested 3 times and he has never been to psychiatrist. The court system put him on probationm and made him go to anger management meetings. He was arrested for domestic assault on his girlfriend, arrested for driving without a license and I am not sure on the last. I have been divorced for 3 years and separated for 2 years before that. He is just simply unmanageable now. He neer takes responsibility for his actions. It is always someonem elses fault.

I hate to say this but I don't want him in my home. I can't talk to him anymore. No matter what I do or help him with (lately was the $1,000.00 I paid to get his license reinstated) he is still disrespectful.

I have an alarm for my home but will plan to get additional security for my windows and change locks on my doors.

Thanks for the welcome and hope you feel better

 

[Hound dog]

Welcome to the board last straw.

Sounds like you've reached the point of practicing detachment. Which from what you've told us sounds like it's all you can do at this point.

You have every right to live your life in safety, stress free, and happy. Your son is an adult, he can take it from here or not as he chooses. Sounds like there is a drug / alcohol issue here. Which means you'll have to weigh any help you give to try not to enable the behavior. The more natural consequences he faces due to the behavior the better the odds of him seeking real help. With biodad having committed suicide, odds are there may be some undiagnosed mental illness on that side.......but again your son will have to want to seek help and an evaluation ect.

That's what stinks about parenting adult kids. What's good about it is that you can decide what you will / won't tolerate and make choices to make your own life better.

Glad you found us.

(hugs)

 

[DammitJanet]

Im just going to give you good old fashioned honest advice. Dont take him back and even though you will feel guilt and there will be those around you who have no clue what its like to live in the midst of this chaos who will frown at your actions...and may even say things to you...ignore them. Stand strong. You are doing the absolutely best thing for him. Animals dont sit around making comfy nests for grown birds or cubs or pups that simply dont want to leave the nest because its too comfy! They push them out...lol. roughly at times.

I know this isnt what feels right or normal. You want to have your baby at home. I do too. I love having my youngest home with me but it simply doesnt work. When he lives out on his own he is so much better off. Even if he is poor as a church mouse, he is much better off. I dont mind helping out with a few groceries from time to time and even bought him an air conditioner back in June because it started becoming so unbearably hot and his girlfriend is pregnant. I couldnt live with myself and the darn thing only cost me 200 bux.

 

[troubled]

I have to agree with Janet and say I would not take him back. Every time you let him come back it sends a message to him that you aren't serious and you will eventually give in again no matter how he disrespects you and your home. Mine threatened to burn the house down with me in it. It's pretty bad when your worst enemy becomes the child you gave birth to but that's what they seem to become. I wouldn't put up with a husband who was like that and I surely will not put up with a kid doing the same thing. I'd be tempted to get a restraining order so you can call police if he shows up banging on the door. I had to evict my difficult child and she waited until the last day to go because even after being served papers she still didn't think I would actually do it! She thought she could torment the family and destroy us and the home and we'd just let her! I'll tell you, these kids have a lot of nerve and think you own them everything and if you don't hand it over to them, they will just take it anyway.

 

[last_straw_41]

Hi Troubled.

Thanks for the advice. I was just thinking how sad it is that the child I gave birth to acts like my enemy. We were always close. I appreciate the responses.

 

[Cant_Take_anymore01]

hey there troubled . i am 37 years old & have two kids of my own . one happens to be 17, he is very disrespectful & is rude. i completely understand where your coming from . i recently found out he has been experimenting with girls & drugs. made my world spin. i need help just as you do. what did we do that was so wrong .?

 

[DDD]

"what did we do that was so wrong"......NOT! You did not cause this. It is NOT your fault. Plenty of horrid parents end up with wonderful kids. Don't accept responsibility for his actions because they are his actions. Sending hugs.DDD

 

[Cant_Take_anymore01]

i think you should talk to him. maybe there's something way beyond what you think . he may be acting out for a reason . something tragic that may have happened in his life he can't get over. it may take awhile to get through to him, but i wouldnt give up yet last straw....not yet.

 

[teri]

Are you describing my son? or are you describing my son?...seems like we're talking about the same kid.

I'm in a very same situation and it makes me cry so very often. I just want to let you know that you are not alone.

We deal with what we deal with day in and day out and it seems so exhausting!

I find it comforting to talk to people who have been through it in the past. I keep a list of parents of a 25-40 year old kids who was troubled at 18-19 and I call or have coffee with them when I need to talk. I find that when I started talking there are some people that are willing to listen and support if you get to the right person. And that is what I need. At the end of the day I will be the one making decision and "feel" it.

I can not tell you exactly what to do. I would kick him out for the 5th time and pray and hope I will not take him back any time soon since it won't do him any good. Meanwhile, I would find myself some good friends or some fun activities to do for me. Hopefully it will help me feel better about me and give me juice to go on or even make a better decision next time.

These years will go away, just like the childhood years, and the journey is painful. At least, fill the time up with some adequate quality time or peaceful time for yourself. I think it helps a lot.

Sincerely,
Teri

 

[tasha9929]

I could have sworn you were talking about me and my situation. My son is 19 and refuses to get a job, is going to court for beating someone up. I too have learned to detach myself from him. His father and his wife won't take him, I feel stuck. I cant talk to him becuase he explodes I feel like he is going to destroy stuff. I have had enough and shortly must kick him out or I will go crazy. Would love to have you as an email friend. I need someone to talk to that understands.

 

[toughlovin]

Tasha - there are several of us here who understand so write away.... many of us have been there or are still there.

TL

 

[tasha9929]

Thank you for being there. I am so tired of living on egg shells and I feel all alone. How did you do it? Just sit down and tell him to get out or did you state that he had 30 days etc? My son has money (from a car accident settlement) so getting a place to live shouldn't be an issue. I try to convince my self that I am not embarrassed by him but I am at times. He may be going to jail depending and since that incident has become a recluse in his bedroom. I know the right thing is to kick him again but cant seem to do it. Thanks for listening.

 

[toughlovin]

My son was 18 living here and flagrantly disobeying all our rules, in particular taking our car out without permission in the middle of the night. We decided he had to go. So we tried to talk to him, we were going to give him 2 weeks to obey the rules (simple courteous rules, nothing you would not normally expect of any roommate) or he would have to leave. He then threatened me with violence. At which point I walked out of the room, cried, and then went to the police and talked to them. I had them come an hour later and give him a no tresspass order and tell him he had to leave. It was absolutely awful but I was glad the police were here... he got mouthy with me and boy the cop put a stop to that fast.

That was 2 years ago and a lot has happened since then. At least for now things are better and he has just finished a substance abuse inpatient program out of state, and is now doing their outpatient program. I am very cautiously optimistic but know we could be on the down side of this roller coaster in a heart beat. What I do know is that my husband, daughter and I have a lot more peace without him living here. I had forgotten how nice it can be to just spend time at home, becuase when he was here I preferred being out of the house.

It is lonely because people don't always understand but there is support here and I have also found support at alanon.

TL

 

[Signorina]

Hi Tasha - I too am the mom of a 19 yo difficult child son. You said it all in one sentence "I am tired of living on eggshells..." and you are doing so in your own house!
Which is worse -- kicking him out or tiptoeing on eggshells forever?

I spent a summer tiptoeing on eggshells - I thought I was placating a son with "growing pains" and I thought I was being the adult/bigger person...

In fact, I was handing the power and control to him- the more you accept, the worse he will behave and the bar will just keep getting lower and lower.

You have a soft place to land here... {hugs}

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Signorina - what you said just struck a chord with me! So true!!! When I was placating and walking around on eggshells, I truly thought I was being the adult and the bigger person. I was annoyed my husband wasn't doing the same. Wow.