19 year old son on a dangerous down spiral.

[MammaB]

Hallo, I have a son who is using pot on a daily basis. He has started using in junior high and he is escalating. He didn't graduate high school and now, in order to get a HS diploma, he has to enroll in online school. I don't think he will go forward with that. He has a full-time (the third job in one year) that he has kept longer that any other so far. He is vary nonchalant about his use of pot, he keeps his drug paraphernalia in his room. At the end of last school year we gave him an ultimatum, get a job, no use of pot or alcohol in our house or he is out. As of now he hasn't quit. We had him in a outpatient rehab program when he was 16, after he made it to the one year mark he relapsed. For a long time I believed that he was sober and wanted to help him so I opened my wallet and helped him. He fond jobs, that was't a problem, but he managed to get fired twice. He uses every cent he makes and he never have enough to cover gas for the car he needs to get to work with. He works far from home and early in the morning.
Today I think I reached the vary bottom with him. He lost my ATM card that he was using because his was stolen. He doesn't see the problem whit that, he is not afraid of loosing the roof over his head. He lost his girlfriend because of pot, he lost his friends because of pot, now he is risking to loose his family over this.
We had endles conversation and he admitted of been depressed and that marijuana helps him. Pot is legal here and non of this teenagers see how it effects them on the outsides. He lets his room go to shambles, he dosen't care about his cloths. His room has garbage all over the floor, he is vary secretive and he spends an amazing amount of time in his room. Today, for the first time I reached the end of my patience.
For a whiles my husband has been saying that he need to go leave on his own, but I was alway against that. My husband dad put all of his sons out as soon as they where 18, the odds where 4 out of 7 succeeded, to me those are bad odds. But now he really hit a nerve. I had being enabling him for years because I didn't want to loose that bond we had, I also have to mention that We have a daughter that was born with significants birth defects and I am now her fool time caregiver. He is vary good with his sister and for a long time he was her's babysitter of choice. I love my son and, as I type this words I had tears running down my face. I can't help but remember his tiny fists closing around my finger in an effort to stand and walk, or his arms starched towards me when he wanted to be picked up. I have to remember my self that that little boy is grown now and he has to make his way alone. This hurts a lot.

 

[RN0441]

Hi Mamma

Welcome and sorry you have to be here but glad you found us.

As you can see by my signature, our son's downward spiral started at 15 with weed and continued and he is now 22 and still battling addiction but no longer in our home thankfully.

It sounds like your son is depressed. It is possible that he is using harder drugs also? What about alcohol use?

It is so hard when our Difficult Child think that marijuana will help with depression. It is a fact that it makes it worse. Double hard since it is legal there! But like alcohol, not all can use socially.

Your son is not thriving and living the normal life of a 19 year old. He should be working full time or in school full time or a combination of the two.

Everyone here loves their sons or daughters. It's not even a question of love. It's a question of them growing up and functioning in society. You are not going to live forever; none of us our. You may have made mistakes along the way by enabling his behaviors, but all of us have.

You have a daughter that needs you. Your son is a grown man, whether he acts like one or thinks he's one or not. The fact is that he is. He is not that little boy any longer and you need to treat him like the man that he is.

I would probably suggest seeing a therapist for yourself that has some experience with addiction/depression (most do) to help you figure out how you can set healthy boundaries for yourself. Your son needs these as well. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Time goes by fast and you don't want a 30 year old sitting on your couch asking what's for dinner!

Perhaps they can help you set some guidelines on what is expected of him to live in your home. You should focus on your disabled daughter and yourself and your husband.

Keep posting and reading and others will be along to offer their thoughts and advice. Take what you need and leave the rest. We are all here trying to help and support one another.

 

[Littleboylost]

Our stories are incredibly similar. My son went to other drugs and selling as well as using.

Naranon and this forum helped me tremendously. I truly now know the difference between loving and enabling. It is such a challenging time especially when they are so young.

Do seek some help and support for yourself. Learn how to set boundaries and follow through on them. Detaching with love is exactly that. Not abandoning but letting them lead the life they choose and getting out of there way.
An excellent book is Don't Let Your Kids Kill You. I just finished it today.
Stay strong and take care of yourself.

 

[mof]

You can love them to death.

We love ours, but his choices I love my home his younger brothers too. We can't live for him.

Putting them out is hard, he can have a time frame, you can help him in an apartment and have him deal with his choices. Don today bills, lose job no weed. We hope as parents they grow up at some point.

I pray he's not doing harder drugs, ours started with weed and was escalated.

Hugs for your heart, but the peace that y o u can find with support and help will be a breath of fresh air.

You can do it and your not alone....

 

[Sam3]

Stay strong. Wise people on this board have helped me to believe that even those with emotional disorders are responsible for and capable of choosing to get or accept help -- only certain serious mental illnesses deprive people of the awareness that they need help. Addiction makes it hard to choose help over substances but it cannot be overcome until they make a choice to stop.

So I guess what I'm saying is to help him with depression in any way you can except to permit self-medicating with pot. Pot exacerbates both anxiety and depression in the long run even though it may help them avoid symptoms temporarily. Be understanding but firm.