19 year old
- Thread starter SAM1228
- Start date
busywend
Well-Known Member
Someone above asked about pain medications when he hurt his knee - it is a good question, Did he get pain medications then?
Honestly, he sounds depressed. If this injury took away his senior year of sports....he might be stuck in that regret still. He really sounds like an easy going kid. Just having a temporary setback. I would not come down too hard yet. He is proving himself capable of being responsible even while smoking at times. Not condoning the pot at all. I would have a calm, rational conversation about addiction and your life experiences with the death of an overdose.
He is getting it done - just not how you want him to.
Honestly, he sounds depressed. If this injury took away his senior year of sports....he might be stuck in that regret still. He really sounds like an easy going kid. Just having a temporary setback. I would not come down too hard yet. He is proving himself capable of being responsible even while smoking at times. Not condoning the pot at all. I would have a calm, rational conversation about addiction and your life experiences with the death of an overdose.
He is getting it done - just not how you want him to.
S
Signorina
Guest
You just described my summer with my 19 yo (he just turned 20) perfectly. Also his "Christmas Break".
The reality of these thoughts are that "if you don't stand for something; you will fall for anything." And you may be falling for anything right now. I don't have the answers. I played nice, I didn't rock the boat, I set minimal standards for living in our home and we enforced them. But I was walking on eggshells. Not because he was volatile, but because I knew things weren't right and I was trying to maintain equilibrium. I had a constant loop in my head "where is he? is he coming home tonight? will he be home for dinner? Should I text and ask? Will that bug him? (etc etc) And it made me on edge. I bore the brunt of it - along with my H and my pcs because I was EDGY. I kept trying to meet him halfway and it was a joke. He never budged from his end. I just kept moving toward him and the halfway point kept getting reset closer to his end. I actually typed it out like this: (I was trying to illustrate it to myself, the "0" represents halfway)
me|---------------------0-------------------------------|(him)
-------------------------me|----------------0-----------|(him)
--------------------------------------------me|----0----|(him)
------------------------------------------ -------me|-0-|(him) this was the point when he sat at my kitchen table and told us if he agreed to stay home "this is how it would be" (motorcycle, smoking pot, no responsibilities, "don't ask, I won't tell" etc. There's a post somewhere on this board dated at the end of Jan with the incredulous nitty gritty.)
When he first stormed out in August to go back to school against our wishes, I was posting on the PE board, and trying to make sense of it all. Someone - I think it was Star or Susiestar* maybe - told me that by placating the situation, I had been handing him control. It was an "AHA" moment. And while I said "never again", I have to admit we fell back into that pattern when he was here for a month in January. When you don't push because you are afraid of how he will react - you are giving him the control. This time I know, never again. He will not live here again.
I would never dream of telling you what to do. But I hope you find some insight in my words and can learn from my mistakes.
He was did has pain medicine when he hurt his knee but didn't even finish the prescriptions. I have them hidden in my room. I did check the other day and all the pills are still in the jars.. yes i counted each to make sure he wasn't doing anything really stupid. I don't agree with the pot smoking becuase i never have done it. My boyfriend on the other hand said he was very similar to my son with smoking and partying .. and he grew out of it. I am going to have another heart to heart with him tonight out of concern. I don't think i will throw down any harsh rules until i see him slipping. LIke i said he goes to work everyday and is responsible that way. I thank you all for your time and comments.. it really helps to make you see things you normally would not. More to follow 
T
toughlovin
Guest
I feel for you..... and it is hard to know if this is a phase or if he will go on to other drugs. My son will use anything to get high and has I believe, but he started with the pot when he was much younger (9th grade). One thing is that pot saps your energy and drive.... creates apathy so you just don't care. I think that is why as someone said most habitual pot smokers are underacheivers.
However my suggestion is don't make the issue "pot smoking" per se. He will just think you are out of touch with todays world and probably will not pay any attention to you anyway and really it is very hard to enforce a rule that says you can't smoke pot or do drugs. Even with drug tests there are ways around them and if he want sto use he will find a way to do it and get around you... and there are plenty of OTC things and other things that don't show up on drug tests. I know my son has done a number of them...
What I do suggest, and it sounds like you are doing this, is setting up clear boundaries for yourself and some clear expectations for when you will help him. So yes NO pot smoking on your property, in your shed or anywhere else that is your property. I don't know what state you live in but you don't want to be responsible for pot smoking etc. on your property. So yes enforce that limit. And then set up some expectations for him to continue to live there... ie he needs to be working and/or going to school adn doing reasonably well. Sleeping all day and partying all night is not an option if he is to live with you. Fact is if he is really working or going to school and doing his school work he wont have as much time to smoke pot and do nothing and that would be a good thing.
And definitely don't let him try to guilt trip you or twist things around into your problem. This is your home and to live there he needs to meet your expectations and rules.
I guess bottom line is you can have a rule about no pot smoking at your house but it is really hard to enforce a rule that says no pot smoking anywhere.
TL
However my suggestion is don't make the issue "pot smoking" per se. He will just think you are out of touch with todays world and probably will not pay any attention to you anyway and really it is very hard to enforce a rule that says you can't smoke pot or do drugs. Even with drug tests there are ways around them and if he want sto use he will find a way to do it and get around you... and there are plenty of OTC things and other things that don't show up on drug tests. I know my son has done a number of them...
What I do suggest, and it sounds like you are doing this, is setting up clear boundaries for yourself and some clear expectations for when you will help him. So yes NO pot smoking on your property, in your shed or anywhere else that is your property. I don't know what state you live in but you don't want to be responsible for pot smoking etc. on your property. So yes enforce that limit. And then set up some expectations for him to continue to live there... ie he needs to be working and/or going to school adn doing reasonably well. Sleeping all day and partying all night is not an option if he is to live with you. Fact is if he is really working or going to school and doing his school work he wont have as much time to smoke pot and do nothing and that would be a good thing.
And definitely don't let him try to guilt trip you or twist things around into your problem. This is your home and to live there he needs to meet your expectations and rules.
I guess bottom line is you can have a rule about no pot smoking at your house but it is really hard to enforce a rule that says no pot smoking anywhere.
TL
busywend
Well-Known Member
To be honest, I had the pot years myself. I was a easy child. Great grades. Kept jobs for long periods of time. Totally responsible. But, the group I hung with smoked and I liked it. Certainly I grew out of it and when I found a better job that had random testing, I stopped. Some people can do this without addiction.
I think it is wise to inform him. And keep your eyes out for him to start losing the ability to keep things together. And even then you should be able to have a conversation about it since he is pretty easy going.
I still would look for signs of depression with him though. Pot can do alot to bright a day for a depressed person.
I think it is wise to inform him. And keep your eyes out for him to start losing the ability to keep things together. And even then you should be able to have a conversation about it since he is pretty easy going.
I still would look for signs of depression with him though. Pot can do alot to bright a day for a depressed person.
