19yo son spiraling downward - pls help

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by SoFla Mom, Aug 12, 2015.

  1. SoFla Mom

    SoFla Mom New Member

    My son, an honors student in high school, was kicked out of college after his first year. Only one or two grades were salvageable. He simply didn't attend class, but rather, used his weekly stipend to buy Vapes and weed. Since he's been home, he's worked pretty much full time at a pizza joint. Was promoted quickly and seems to be doing well. A week before classes are to start, today, he finally enrolled in the local community college and learned he only needed two classes to get his AA. So proud! I arrived home after work and was looking for something and ran across two bongs. I calmly hid them and awaited my son's return from work. We had a great night laughing and playing with the dog. I went to bed and an hour later hear what seems to be doors slamming or something loud. I woke up, walked down the hall and my son had slashed my walls with a knife, threw my computer on the floor, punched several holes in 3 walls, slashed a pillow and left me a note that said: Don't f-ing touch my things. I started hyperventilating, and could do nothing else but scream at him to get out of my house. He very cooly, with steely eyes "admonished" me for taking "his property". I admittedly said some cruel things like "you will never amount to anything" I actually slapped his face - twice - and, while shaking, asked him who he had become and how could he destroy his life like this? This happened two hours ago. He's gone. I don't know if or when I'll see him. I'm a complete wreck. He's definitely spiraling out of control and his actions have become so extreme to the point I'm scared of what he may do. Please help. I need experienced advice desperately.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, you poor woman. So sad for you. I wake up early.

    In my opinion, your son is taking more drugs than just pot because pot does not make one violent like that.

    When my daughter used drugs, I went through her purse and her room and threw out anything that looked threatening and also found interesting letters to a strange boy whom she planned to run off with. My feelings were that it is my house and my right to see what is going on in my house. I also mostly wanted to see if what was going on with my daughter so I could maybe help her. She didn't let me and I had to make her leave. If she had pulled what your son pulled, out of fear for my safety, if nothing else, I would have called the police. Violence is unacceptable in my house. It is my castle; my sanctuary. My house/my rules. She was nineteen at the time.

    Somehow, my daughter found a way to quit using drugs and eleven, maybe twelve years later now, she has it all together, but she has told me if I had let her stay at home she may still be using drugs.

    Nobody has a right to act violent or destroy your property or have illegal drugs in your house. In fact, even if it IS legal, if your rule is no vapes, it's no vapes. I don't let anybody smoke in my house.

    I have found that talking to a person using drugs does not yield good results or the truth. If you want, some of us present our adult children with a list of what they MUST do in order to live at home, rules stating what they must do and what is forbidden. Is he paying rent? Is he paying for his cell phone and car privileges? Do you give him money?

    If there are younger children and a SO living with you, you have to take the welfare of those people into consideration too. If not, you still have to take somebody very important into account...yourself. You need to take care of you. You lost control. Forgive yourself. But getting worked up and acting up doesn't help you or him and you just feel horrible. Try to stay calm and just tell him, "This is unacceptable." Walk away and decide what you are going to do. Lock your door.

    I suggest going to Al-Anon or a private therapist to help you learn how to cope, regardless of your decision.

    Hugs for your hurting heart. Please be careful. If your son is acting dangerously and you feel he may hurt you, he simply should not in my opinion be in your home. Who knows what drugs he is taking? Not you. We always think it's "just pot." That isn't pot-like behavior and your house needs to be a safe place.
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2015
  3. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    I dont have time for a long response, i just want to say I completely agree with SomewhereOutThere . There seems more than pot going on.

    You deserve to have respect in your home. Wow. That must have been so scary. Im so sorry!! Please know you arent alone. Keep posting! *hugs*
  4. SoFla Mom

    SoFla Mom New Member

    Thank you so very much. This forum has already been so helpful. Reading other parents' stories and knowing I'm not alone.

    As the tears are running down my face, I just can't stop thinking - how did this happen? I'm alone here with him, since my husband left 5 years ago (for a younger woman, no less) I'm a successful business owner and have provided everything (not in excess) for him, and he knows he's loved.

    He's like Jekyll and Hyde. Awesome, sweet, helpful, funny, smart, kind - and defiant, lazy, angry, hurtful and now destructive.

    I do not give him any money, he works almost full time. He pays only for his gas and expenses (drugs, I guess) - he doesn't make much. I see his pay deposited in his account. I do cover insurance and of course a roof over his head.

    I am already looking into Al anon groups and I have an awesome therapist. I think I'll need both.

    But what do I do if/when he comes back here? He isn't likely to listen to me. He says I'm so dramatic - really? Slashing walls isn't normal behavior. I know he needs help. Do I change the locks? Force him to figure it out on his own?

    I know I won't see or hear from him at least for a few days. I have a detective friend keeping his eyes and ears open for anything that may match his description. Don't know what else to do.

    I hear kids are smoking some kind of oil now that doesn't smell - since I haven't smelled any weed - I'm guessing that's what it may be?

    Thank you so much.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi - So sorry you are going through this. It does sound like more than pot and there are many possibilities as to what it could be. There are synthetic forms of pot that are pretty dangerous and have different reactions and of course there are other drugs.

    Is your detective friend part of the police department or private? One thing you might do is call the police and talk to them about what happened. Ask them what your options are? I understand you probably dont want your son arrested and most police departments would listen to what you want. They see this kind of thing all the time and often they can help. Clearly it does depend on the department and where you live so I would tread carefully but they can be a resource too. Your son needs to hear that kind of behavior in your home is not only disrespectful but he could be in serious trouble and arrested for that kind of behavior. Plus sometimes it helps to have someone else make it clear to them that what they are doing is not only unacceptablel to you but to society at large.

    Yes to alanon... and yes you are definitely not alone! We are here for you.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    There are two explanations for this behavior. One of them is drugs - and you have direct evidence that drugs are a problem. However, many of our kids have more problems than "just" drugs - not that drugs are not a serious problem.
    Does mental illness run in the family (as in, his biological family on both sides)? Because this Jekyll/Hyde split can be the effect of a MH challenge such as Bi-Polar. Sometimes people with mental illness turn to drugs for any number of reasons (from self-medicating to wanting to fit in/have friends, to whatever else).
  7. SoFla Mom

    SoFla Mom New Member

    No known history of mental illness but he did see a doctor on campus and complained a lot about anxiety, sleeplessness. They gave him some medications which he took a month and stopped. I'm literally going through his room now. No more drug paraphernalia yet but plenty of this Vape stuff.

    Im looking at my walls now in daylight and it's frightening to know someone could take a knife and slash their own home like this.

    Thank you all.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If it's a safety issue, yes. If he thinks this is ok, he will do it again and maybe escalate.

    Again, we never know what drugs our adult kids are taking and some make them dangerous. Most likely this is due to drugs. If it's mental illness too, he still can't do that to your house. He needs to move out, get a cheap place, and take care of his own drug and mental health issues. He is too old for you to make him get help.

    That's my opinion, of course. You are free to take what you like and leave the restj/
  9. SoFla Mom

    SoFla Mom New Member

    I truly value everyone's experience and your willingness to share it with me. It's so comforting knowing you're not the only parent out there wondering what the he$!? is going on, and questioning yourself and every action you've ever taken.

    I have a group praying for my son, even though I don't even go to that church. His dad is helping tremendously and I'm so grateful we are a team in this.

    Thank all of you - I'm sending blessings to each of you for taking the time to offer your comforting advice.

    God bless all of our children xoxo
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  10. Wren

    Wren New Member

    My son came home from 1st year at college where he started smoking pot. Lovely. He said he was feeling anxious, had trouble sleeping and was irritable when he came home. I looked up side effects of pot smoking and bingo...pot smoking has side effects. I agree with the others....it sounds like it's more than just pot. If my son had done that to me and my house, he would be out on his own. That sounds so scary!!! My son doesn't think anything is wrong with pot smoking and isn't going to stop anytime soon. We are trying to figure out how to handle this and I searched the Web and found this blog tonight. It sounds like this is a good site for parents. Good luck with your son.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry I just saw this. Did your son come home? My daughter was very violent when I took her pot away. Everyone says pot does not cause someone to be violent, well I am here to tell you that she wanted her pot so badly that she would tear up the house trying to find it. I had to call the police several times because she was acting just like your son. One day she had me on the garage floor and was kicking me because I wouldn't give her the keys to my car so she could go out with her friends and smoke pot.

    There came the time when we had to kick our daughter out of our home. It was very difficult to do but I knew if she stayed one of us was going to get hurt badly. Your safety is most important. You must draw the line int he sand and make your son understand that you will not tolerate drugs or violence in your home, period.
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    First, I want to mention that there is a synthetic marijuana that young people are using that does can cause violence and anxiety and mood swings. As of now it is legal, and sold over the counter. Google it if you want more information.
    This is illegal and threatening behavior. Many of our children have punched refrigerators or holes in doors (all of them, in my case) but the added elements of the note and the computer, make this seem worse. If it were me I think I would call the police to discuss it. The sooner that you address this firmly and clearly, the better for your son, and you.
    The thinking on this site is that our adult children need to be self-sufficient and live independently, especially when violent and disrespectful behavior like this, becomes manifest.
    Yes and yes.
    What he did was threaten violence to you. He showed you what he would do to you if you continued to displease him.

    I do not see any other way to look at this.

    If you are frightened of your son only you and professionals can decide the action to take.

    Keep posting. Your son clearly has a lot of strengths. At the very least, he seems to want dominance over you in your home. Something is going on with him and has been for a while, or he would not have failed his first year of college. Others, have raised the possibility of drugs or mental illness. He could also be modeling aggressive behavior that he has witnessed.

    The thing is, at his age, you have zero influence over the resolution. Only he does. Now that he has behaved as he has...this is even more clearly the case. You must protect yourself.

    Take care.
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Copa just to clarify something, synthetic pot is not legal, it is illegal on the federal level. The problem with it is that they keep changing the ingredients in the stuff so that they have a hard time keeping up with the new formulation in the laws. They were working on a fix and I thought that already happened. But it is not legal anywhere.
  14. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I'm not one to take too much advice from since I haven't done much right myself so all I really want to add is take control now, call the police, the more you let slip by the worse it gets.
  15. haunter

    haunter New Member

    He's definitely not smoking pot if he's acting like that. As an old cannabis connoisseur, I was very chill, laid back, mellowed out. No, what he was doing was probably cocaine or meth or something, because I've never met a pothead who destroys things because their properties were touched.

    You need to take your son to get evaluated before he comes back and hurts you or someone else in the family.
    My condolences.