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1st Post - (Hi!) Have Been Struggling with Tough Love
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 653115" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi firedancer...I like your name too! Welcome to this forum. We get you and we get your situation. We have all been there in some way, shape or form.</p><p></p><p>I was divorced from my husband (the dad of my two sons) when difficult child was a junior in high school. Bad time for him. Bad time for all. I tried to wait just...one more year...but I had already waited years and years and it was not to be. It was hard on him and I think he used that as yet another excuse to perform badly. </p><p></p><p>Anyway, fast forward...lots of things happened...lots of chances given...but he was abusing alcohol, smoking pot, then started taking pills---Oxy and Xanax that I know of...started getting arrested for public intoxication, possession, selling drugs (two felonies)...threw away his chance at a four-year university, threw away his chance at a community college (step by step by step with a million more chances given) threw away the apartment we agreed to pay for with the college...threw it all away...one step at at time. And I set boundaries one step at a time, as things got worse and worse and worse. Tried to get him all kinds of help. Paid for rehab for one month---$6K on a credit card. He "didn't need it." Stayed the month and then kept on doing what he was doing. He wasn't ready and had no intention of changing.</p><p></p><p>The saga goes on and on, like I'm sure yours does.</p><p></p><p>Suffice it to say, I also have had about 20 years of counseling. The counselors all said from the get-go: You are very self-aware.</p><p></p><p>Well, okay, I learned---learned the very hard way----that I had a whole lot of changing to do. I was a great "fixer" of people, except I couldn't fix them and nothing changed, except I drove them and myself nuts. I begged, pleaded, argued, cried, yelled, cursed, wrote contracts, reasoned, got other people to reason...you name it, I tried it. Nope. Nothing.</p><p></p><p>So finally, being the very slow learner that I am...I started learning how to stop. After all, it had been nearly a decade of trying to make things perfect. People places and things. The first thing I learned is that I can't do a thing to affect other people places and things. And I didn't like hearing that ONE SINGLE BIT.</p><p></p><p>I heard that I needed to stop...and work on myself...because that would turn out to be a full time job.</p><p></p><p>Well you can imagine how much I liked hearing THAT. </p><p></p><p>Anyway...fast forward again...the whole story is on his forum for the past two years...mine, yours and each of ours...not so very different at all...and finally I have been able to let my son, my precious youngest son...go. </p><p></p><p>And then, once I figuratively let him go, emotionally and physically and financially...he has been homeless multiple times, some of those times for months at a time. And you know what, he has survived. </p><p></p><p>He has lived on the street in the dead of winter for weeks. My son????? I never ever in the world would have thought I would have allowed something like that...but I did.</p><p></p><p>I did it for him...and I did it for me. </p><p></p><p>And today, for some reason, he is almost 26, he seems to be "getting it." Seems to be. How do I know what is in his mind and heart? But this Sunday, on Easter, he is coming over to cook out steaks. He is bringing his girlfriend who he lives with. He is working a 50 to 60 hour a week job. He is paying his own bills. He is sweet and kind when I talk to him on the phone. He says he loves me. I say I love him. We joke around. </p><p></p><p>Is it perfect? No. But perfect is a myth we all bought into. It doesn't exist. My son is making progress...just for today. Today is all we have. What do we want today to be like?</p><p></p><p>We are glad you are here. Stay with us. Read and listen and write. We are here for you no matter what you decide to do. Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 653115, member: 17542"] Hi firedancer...I like your name too! Welcome to this forum. We get you and we get your situation. We have all been there in some way, shape or form. I was divorced from my husband (the dad of my two sons) when difficult child was a junior in high school. Bad time for him. Bad time for all. I tried to wait just...one more year...but I had already waited years and years and it was not to be. It was hard on him and I think he used that as yet another excuse to perform badly. Anyway, fast forward...lots of things happened...lots of chances given...but he was abusing alcohol, smoking pot, then started taking pills---Oxy and Xanax that I know of...started getting arrested for public intoxication, possession, selling drugs (two felonies)...threw away his chance at a four-year university, threw away his chance at a community college (step by step by step with a million more chances given) threw away the apartment we agreed to pay for with the college...threw it all away...one step at at time. And I set boundaries one step at a time, as things got worse and worse and worse. Tried to get him all kinds of help. Paid for rehab for one month---$6K on a credit card. He "didn't need it." Stayed the month and then kept on doing what he was doing. He wasn't ready and had no intention of changing. The saga goes on and on, like I'm sure yours does. Suffice it to say, I also have had about 20 years of counseling. The counselors all said from the get-go: You are very self-aware. Well, okay, I learned---learned the very hard way----that I had a whole lot of changing to do. I was a great "fixer" of people, except I couldn't fix them and nothing changed, except I drove them and myself nuts. I begged, pleaded, argued, cried, yelled, cursed, wrote contracts, reasoned, got other people to reason...you name it, I tried it. Nope. Nothing. So finally, being the very slow learner that I am...I started learning how to stop. After all, it had been nearly a decade of trying to make things perfect. People places and things. The first thing I learned is that I can't do a thing to affect other people places and things. And I didn't like hearing that ONE SINGLE BIT. I heard that I needed to stop...and work on myself...because that would turn out to be a full time job. Well you can imagine how much I liked hearing THAT. Anyway...fast forward again...the whole story is on his forum for the past two years...mine, yours and each of ours...not so very different at all...and finally I have been able to let my son, my precious youngest son...go. And then, once I figuratively let him go, emotionally and physically and financially...he has been homeless multiple times, some of those times for months at a time. And you know what, he has survived. He has lived on the street in the dead of winter for weeks. My son????? I never ever in the world would have thought I would have allowed something like that...but I did. I did it for him...and I did it for me. And today, for some reason, he is almost 26, he seems to be "getting it." Seems to be. How do I know what is in his mind and heart? But this Sunday, on Easter, he is coming over to cook out steaks. He is bringing his girlfriend who he lives with. He is working a 50 to 60 hour a week job. He is paying his own bills. He is sweet and kind when I talk to him on the phone. He says he loves me. I say I love him. We joke around. Is it perfect? No. But perfect is a myth we all bought into. It doesn't exist. My son is making progress...just for today. Today is all we have. What do we want today to be like? We are glad you are here. Stay with us. Read and listen and write. We are here for you no matter what you decide to do. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
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