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1st Post - (Hi!) Have Been Struggling with Tough Love
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 653125" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi FireDancer, Welcome to a group no one wants to belong to. I'm so happy you found us.</p><p></p><p>Your story is very similar to mine and many here. My son also would fly into violent rages. I also dealt with holes punched and kicked in walls and trashing my house. One day he took a butcher knife to my kitchen counters and hacked away at them. I know what you are going through. My one and only child, my son is 33 and is homeless / couch surfing. He usually manages to find someone who will feel sorry for him and take him in until they find out what he's really like and the cycle continues.</p><p></p><p>You are doing so many things right. You have set clear boundaries, you need to stick to them. Your number one priority is you and your safety. I know how much it hurts to see your child self destruct. There is no other pain like it and we have all been there.</p><p></p><p>I can tell you this, you can survive this and go on to live a very happy fulfilled life. I am proof and there are others here too. I will always love my son but I cannot live his life for him and I will not allow him to destroy mine. I do not know why these Difficult Child of ours choose to live the way the do, they just do.</p><p></p><p>From what you have said about your ex and his behavior, I would say most of what you are seeing with your son is genetic. My ex and my son are two peas in a pod and my ex has been out of my son's life since he was 4. There really is something to nature vs nurture, I totally believe nature can have a stronger impact than nurture.</p><p></p><p>I know your heart is breaking but you need to take care of you.</p><p></p><p>I really like what Echolette had to say.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I have had messages from son threatening suicide, saying he was going to freeze to death, he's going to starve to death, he hates his life, etc.....</p><p>Yes, it's heartbreaking to get those but I stand firm in my resolve. You must understand that my husband (who adopted my son) and I have given my son many chances. We have paid rent more than a few times, bought clothes, a car, food, gave him money and all he had to do was get a job. We finally got to the point enough is enough. I am done "helping/enabling" him. My son, your son and all the other Difficult Child have made choices to live in an irresponsible manner. Even if they have mental health issues, again they make choices to not do what they should. The really maddening thing is that my son always manages to find a way to get his pot/drugs and booze.</p><p></p><p>Do not let you son guilt you into enabling him. He will use the word help but that's not true. He wants you to take care of him all while continuing to smoke pot and do whatever he wants. He needs to put for the effort to change his life. You have done all you can.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 653125, member: 18516"] Hi FireDancer, Welcome to a group no one wants to belong to. I'm so happy you found us. Your story is very similar to mine and many here. My son also would fly into violent rages. I also dealt with holes punched and kicked in walls and trashing my house. One day he took a butcher knife to my kitchen counters and hacked away at them. I know what you are going through. My one and only child, my son is 33 and is homeless / couch surfing. He usually manages to find someone who will feel sorry for him and take him in until they find out what he's really like and the cycle continues. You are doing so many things right. You have set clear boundaries, you need to stick to them. Your number one priority is you and your safety. I know how much it hurts to see your child self destruct. There is no other pain like it and we have all been there. I can tell you this, you can survive this and go on to live a very happy fulfilled life. I am proof and there are others here too. I will always love my son but I cannot live his life for him and I will not allow him to destroy mine. I do not know why these Difficult Child of ours choose to live the way the do, they just do. From what you have said about your ex and his behavior, I would say most of what you are seeing with your son is genetic. My ex and my son are two peas in a pod and my ex has been out of my son's life since he was 4. There really is something to nature vs nurture, I totally believe nature can have a stronger impact than nurture. I know your heart is breaking but you need to take care of you. I really like what Echolette had to say. I have had messages from son threatening suicide, saying he was going to freeze to death, he's going to starve to death, he hates his life, etc..... Yes, it's heartbreaking to get those but I stand firm in my resolve. You must understand that my husband (who adopted my son) and I have given my son many chances. We have paid rent more than a few times, bought clothes, a car, food, gave him money and all he had to do was get a job. We finally got to the point enough is enough. I am done "helping/enabling" him. My son, your son and all the other Difficult Child have made choices to live in an irresponsible manner. Even if they have mental health issues, again they make choices to not do what they should. The really maddening thing is that my son always manages to find a way to get his pot/drugs and booze. Do not let you son guilt you into enabling him. He will use the word help but that's not true. He wants you to take care of him all while continuing to smoke pot and do whatever he wants. He needs to put for the effort to change his life. You have done all you can. ((HUGS)) to you........ [/QUOTE]
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