1st time here! Need Help!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by chelle72, Sep 16, 2009.

  1. chelle72

    chelle72 New Member

    Im a first timer, I have been searching online for anykind of help...Im a single mother, I have a 12 year old son that has confirmed diagnosis of O.D.D., ADHD, Asbergers Syndrome, and Anxiety Disorder. I have battled through them all until recently....my son's defiance has gotten so escalated that I don't want to come home from work, I dread waking him up to get him ready for school, I am afraid to ask him to do anything for fear that he will retaliate by damaging property of mine. For example I asked him to scrape his plate off after supper in the trash, he threw it up against the wall to break it. He is on medications, he has been hospitalized, I have taken every parenting class imaginable, I have done the positive redirection, and mostly I have just cried. I am a single mother, and now my health is at stake, and I don't know what to do. The counselors don't see what I see. They see a child who can be an Emmy award winning actor in front of them, but they dont see the anger and rage as I do at home. Its just he and I, and its always been that way, his father has never been around so thats not an issue. I dont have any family close and I don't have very many friends. Its hard to find anyone who can understand my son and can tolerate him. I can't keep a boyfriend, most feel he needs a good spanking....So its just he and I. I work 40+ hours a week to just provide. Im a college educated, I truly believe in putting his needs first, but I don't know what to do...there are days I just want to run away and never come home. The doctors answer? They put me on depression medications...Is there ANYTHING out there that can help me? I feel that I have tried everything and nothing works. Yes I am consistant, if I say it, I will do it...The rules are the same everyday, the expectations are the same, they have been since he was 4...To be honest I actually thought about just Baker Acting him to give me a good nights rest, because i havent had more than 3 hours of sleep a night in months. I am just looking for someone who may have been where I am now and can offer words of encouragement, advice, or a place to go for help...thank you for listening.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to the board. Sorry you have to be here. in my opinion if you can get him into good treatment so he is doing better, you can really help you as well! It's like a cycle you're locked into. So I have a few questions and some thoughts.

    Is your son getting any interventions at all for Aspergers, which is probably the cause of all of his behaviors? Have you studied up on Aspergers to understand what it is and why he behaves like he does? Aspe's do not respond to "normal" discipline as their brains are wired differently and they need interventions to live a normal life, not just medications. In fact only half of all Aspies take medications at all. Some don't need them.

    in my opinion I wouldn't worry about the boyfriend issue now...again in my opinion you're not in a good place to get involved. If most are telling you to hit him you'll probably just complicate your life even more if you get into a relationship. Your son isn't "bad." He has a disorder and he needs help and may not be getting the help he needs in school. The last thing he needs is some man in his life who thinks he's bad and just needs a good whopping.

    If you haven't read up on Aspergers I strongly recommend reading all of Tony Attwood's books. They are awesome! You can learn a lot. Then you need to make sure he is getting the proper treatment from school. He likely desperately needs social skills classes. Is he bullied? How are his grades? These kids can be a mess if they don't get the right kind of help.

    Others will come along.
  3. tictoc

    tictoc New Member

    I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation. It sounds like you are working very hard to take care of your son. Are you doing anything for yourself? It sounds like you really need some support, which you definitely can get here, but you might also benefit from having someone to talk to on a regular basis. Have you thought about getting a therapist for yourself? It might help to have someone who is focused on YOUR needs and not your son's.

    Good luck.
  4. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I've said those same exact words.

    Have you thought about videotaping him so the counselors can see what you see? Even a voice activated tape recorder so they can hear him? Fortunately (only in our world would this be considered fortunate), every therapist (therapist) my daughter has seen has set her off so they've gotten a glimpse of how volatile she is. She does hold back for them, but they at least know it's there.

    Is he receiving interventions for Asperger's?

    My place to go for help? Here.

    Welcome to the board. I'm sorry you have to be here, but am glad you found us. :flower:
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi Chelle, and welcome.

    I like the suggestion of recording or videotaping an episode for counselors. I also have a son who was a master at manipulating psychiatrists and tdocs. He'd walk into their offices with his little halo just shining, and I would be offered instruction on reward charts (*again*) and parenting skills (which certainly were needed at times, LOL). We'd get home (if we were lucky to make it that far) and the violence would be back in full force.

    If you're able to do it, I would continue the search for a therapist who can hear what you're dealing with, not just see the charming child who walks into their office. That was one of my biggest frustrations over the years - trying to find someone who comprehended the behaviors we were dealing with at home and in school, because it just didn't jibe with the usually calm and compliant kid they were seeing. We have had a couple of outstanding therapists, but it took a great deal of searching.

    How does your son do in school? Are they having the same kinds of problems?

    Again, welcome and so glad you found us.
  6. BrokenSoul

    BrokenSoul New Member

    I've never been to this site before, I was searching in desperation for support, advice...just someone who understands what it's like and when I opened your letter I cried :sad-very:....I have no words of wisdom or advice but I do want to THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. For some heartbreaking reason it's just so nice to know that I'm not alone.

    Thank you
  7. cfa3

    cfa3 New Member


    I just wanted to reply to you and let you know that I understand your desperation so well. Even though Im not single, I have felt and even now feel with my partner, very scared, totally exhausted, alone, isolated. We dont have family that helps either, we dont have friends. Our son is like yours, explosive, etc. I can imagine how you must feel, it came through in your post. Do you have any hope for any babysitter of any kind?? There are respite places that have people who give respite to kids with disorders. My son has the medicaid waiver so they pay for that, but something has to give for your sanity. As another poster mentioned, do you have a therapist?? Is there a crisis line where you live? Have you called NAMI? Have you contacted any autism centers in your area? What about your local CARD? If I were you I would just try and reach out to any and evrry organization and see if they have services for you. My husband and I are now writing letters to the government locally and federally about the tragedy that many parents deal with in terms of lack of services for the parent and the child and the breakdown that takes place when there isnt the proper supports. I too am in FL, feel free to message me if youd like. You need some relief somehow.
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Hi and welcome
    So very sorry for you situation that made you find us.

    I agree with the video. We had the same thing with people saying to us, "But she seems so normal"
    Then we brought in the video of her screaming when she was hallucinating and crying for us to light her on fire! Well that changed everyones minds fast!
    Can't fake that.
    Keep searching and do not give up.
    Search every site for help even though he may not have ADHD or BiPolar (BP), CHADD has great resources for Therapists and psychiatrist's, NAMI has great resources as well as CABF!
    Search all of the Autism sites there are a ton as well.
    My Therapist is a God send and she runs our local CHADD. But she is by far the best as far as all diagnosis's.
    Welcome come here to vent if you need!
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hi, Chelle, and welcome to the board. I also agree with the video/audio recording. My daughter had therapists, teachers, my mother, etc. convinced I was a raving nut case, and the consensus was that my being a single parent was "causing her difficulties." Made it twice as hard to get any help for her.

    Many, many hugs to you. Please take care of yourself.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Welcome! I'm a single mom also and my son started exhibited major diffficulty about the time he turned 11 yo. Apparently, becoming old enough for hormones to start kicking into gear (not the sex part- the mental part) and the fact that this is when kids really start feeling more rejection and abandonment from absent fathers really takes a toll on some of them- particularly the boys. It helped a lot, although it didn't completely solve things, to handle things very differently than I had before. I started just taking my sone out to the park to go for a walk and did not lecture him or ask him questions or anything like that. I was nice and just told him that I loved him and was there if he wanted to talk to me- that I would listen. He did eventually start talking to me. Again, we still have major issues off and on and we are not sure of his diagnosis right now, but opening the lines of communication helped a great deal. Also, even when tho the behavior has been horrible, taking the focus off punishment for bad behavior and starting to support communicating about things and problem-solving has helped a lot.

    That being said- my son is currently incarcerated for pulling a knife on me so I don't want to come across like I have all the answers. I don't. My son is now 14yo and it's a struggle. But, I can see that he matures and does well for months and then just loses it all- which unfortunately, is still better than the chaos we were living with continuously for months when this all first started.