2 Fs, 3 Ds and a B

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Dec 15, 2009.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No that isn't difficult child's progress report grades. It's easy child's (or maybe it should be difficult child the 2nd). All the teachers commented she isn't doing her homework.

    She feels she shouldn't have to talk about her grades and we shouldn't be concerned because they are her grades:mad: She also has been extremely disrespectful tonight:(

    I'm supposed to bring her to cheer at her game and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.

    She has been so depressed; do I take her because this is the one thing she is kind of interested in? After tonight she will probably be academically ineligible. Part of me says tough but part of me just doesn't know what to do.

    She is starting a new AD on Saturday; we are switching her to Welbutrin, hopefully that will help because I really don't know what to do anymore!!

    Thanks for listening; I'm so close to tears right now and I refuse to cry-I'm angry and sad at the same time!
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not



    I hear you! I don't have any advice to offer....but I hear you!

    I wish these kids understood the importance of doing well in school....so many of them just don't "get" it...difficult children or easy child.
  3. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I hope the new a/d brings some relief. It is so sad to see them struggle like this when you know there is a real problem.

    Either way you go tonight, it's probably ok. She will have the consequence of being ineligible from school soon enough even if you let her go tonight.

    I tend to think when they are depressed, it is a good idea to help them find things that make them happy. At the same time, it's not right to just ignore poor behaviour.

    I just read your post again and the disrespect would make me inclined not to take her. Nothing bugs me like a rude teen wanting something from me.
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    Oh Sharon my heart goes out to you. How difficult a spot you are in. Gosh I sure hope the Wellbutrin helps. It's always so difficult to balance tough love with support and no matter what you do you always wonder if you did the right thing. Just go with your instincts (which are great) and know we're cheering for YOU. Hugs, ML
  5. ChocolateBFF

    ChocolateBFF Guest

    Sorry about your daughter, my easy child is struggling grade wise too. My kiddo is just burned out and is in need of some holiday downtime.

    I hope she can turn it around. I feel for you. Hugs.
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sharon, you & husband, as educators, have got to be devastated. Saying that, I wouldn't be surprised at PCs level of depression.

    Look at what she witnesses everyday with difficult child - all the stress you & husband are under. A girl her age sees that & wonders what her life will be. She's witnessed domestic abuse toward you by her brother - confusing.

    I hope her grades improve; saying that we've always dealt with the emotional/mental stuff before grades became an issue. They still aren't the end all be all. AND kt & wm had wonderful report cards this last quarter. It does sink in....depression will make a kid shut down.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm of the thinking that, with her depression so bad right now, she should have something positive that she enjoys. But I'm also all for consequences. I would let the natural consequences of her grades happen. Do you know for sure that she will be inelligible as a result of her grades?

    Then perhaps you need to set some new guidelines at home. Homework to be done downstairs where mom and dad can insure it is being done. Phone removed at 9pm every evening, no additional privilages until work is completed, stuff like that. Certainly she will pull the "they are my grades why do you care?" or "it's my room I can keep it any way I want" - typical!

    You will need to gently remind her that you and husband love her and want the best for her. That her grades now will affect what she does and where she goes after high school. That you know she is a smart girl but dealing with some tough personal issues right now. But it doesn't excuse her not caring.

    I think setting a new homework rule will insure that she does it. But what you have to make sure of is that she turns it in. You also should set a time for homework to start. I know most high school kids would rather start their homework at 10 in their bed. But that is not going to work for easy child. She has messed up and this will have to be her consequence. Make her begin at a time that is good for all. Perhaps while you are prepping dinner and it is quiet at the table because difficult child is watching tv in the other room. I think you and husband have to really present a united front and make sure she understands there are no options for her in this.

    This is how it's going to be and there will be no daily discussions about it. For every time she complains, yells, refuses, social privilages will be removed. Perhaps this will get her refocused. And, there is not much time left before winter break and perhaps that new ad will really kick in by the next semester start. Maybe it will be mute by January!

  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Oh Dear! how disappointing.
    I think LDM, has a point. Natural consequences will kick in. Disengage and take her to cheer.
    I think having her do homework at the kitchen table while you are in eyesight is a good consequence.
    At some point you can talk to her about the need to learn. It's not about the grades since that is a measurement but she has to grow up and to do so she has to learn new things. Sigh. I don't think my difficult child ever got that you don't go to school for grades but to actually learn. In his black and white world, report cards were the goal. What a waste of a bright mind.

    Hopefully she will come out of her funk.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, for a minute there, when I read the subject heading, I thought I was reading about my son ...

    She feels she shouldn't have to talk about her grades and we shouldn't be concerned because they are her grades

    This could be my son, too.

    So sorry.
  10. robinm1922

    robinm1922 One day at a time

    Sharon I feel your pain and your confusion on how to handle it. This was me last year with my difficult child. She was on Zoloft and it stopped working. We went from that to Celexa to Wellbutrine. Now she is on Wellbutrine and Celexa and doing much better.
    Not that it is all about the grades but for me it is an easy way to measure where she is in her depression. This last quarter she was one c away from honor roll and won student of the month.
    I hope the wellbutrine works as well for you easy child as it does for my difficult child.
    What I learned last year was at 15 (our girls are almost the same age) she has to be accountable for her grades, pass or fail she is the one that won't graduate with her friends. That is what motivated my difficult child, she wanted to stay in the same class as her friends. That and the right "cocktail of medications" got her through, just barely but she managed to pull it out.
    I have taken the same approach this year she is in control of her grades, I have to say she has been keeping up and doing homework. That is huge in itself!
    Depression is an awful thing I wish you the best of luck!
    Cyber hugs,
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I like what LDM said, too. It sounds like it will take engaging her more (like you have spare time on your hands, I know) to help get this turned around. If you could spend some time alone with her, maybe that would help too- just some "girl" time without difficult child stresses.
  12. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Definitely my son too. Currently 2 Fs (one for doing ZERO work), lovely.

    I'd let her go to cheer because depression is awful (been there done that) and to take away the only thing giving her joy will not help the grade situation.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree. After thinking about it... yes. Let her go.
  14. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I think Timerlady has a valid point. Who wouldn't be depressed when faced with the issues she sees as affecting her parents.
    I know my easy child has some emotional scars from the life we had when difficult child was at his worst. We have tried to explain that all families have to deal with negative issues and/or challenges but he didn't see that in any one else's home. Just because he had a good life outside of difficult child wasn't enough to insulate easy child from difficult child induced stress no matter how much I tried to convince myself that it was.
  15. Bean

    Bean Member

    My son is having difficulty in school. We're having him assessed for learning issues but that doesn't do anything, immediately, to help him. It is very frustrating because he is athletically inclined and it in the one thing about school he enjoys. When his grades fall, he becomes ineligible, but the school does not provide the help he needs to understand and get his work done, so it is a vicious circle.

    Not to mention the trauma our family has been through in the past year or so. It doesn't help. And, even though things are improved now, I'm sure there's residual stress going on for him because of his sister.

    Maybe that is part of the issue at your house too, and it's just wearing on her. I'm glad to hear she has something to enjoy - we ALL need that. Hopefully she can pull it together soon and continue to cheer.
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aw Sharon, I so understand your hurt and disappointment and anger. As angry as you are, you also worry about her future. My difficult child never cared about grades and consequences meant nothing, not even the prospect of getting kicked off the flag team.

    I wish I had better advice but I didn't do so well with mine, she got suspended from college and flunked all her courses and has drug and alcohol charges in court so you see consequences meant nothing to her. I am picking her up at college tomorrow to bring her back home and I have been in tears for weeks.

    I hope the new medications will help. I would take her to her game though because you need to keep her involved in the few healthy activities that she has.

  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Turns out I didn't have to make a decision because no one ended up cheering at the game. I'm not sure why but I do know they didn't cheer. We did let her go to practice today as we have decided the natural consequences will kick in for her.

    DF-Thanks for the hugs and support.

    Hope-Thank you; it is so hard to watch them struggle like this.

    ML-Thanks for the hugs and vote of confidence!

    Chocolate-Thank you for the support too; I hope your easy child is better after break!

    TL-I think you are right. She has seen a lot and had to deal with a lot she shouldn't. We have tried so hard but it just doesn't ever seem to be enough.

    Sharon-Thank you for all of your good ideas. Surprisingly tonight she did not argue the doing hw downstairs. The problem I have with her is when she is depressed and doesn't want to do something like hw she doesn't care which consequences we implement; she truly doesn't care what we take away. That being said we are still going to try to implement your suggestions.

    Fran-I hear you on the need to learn thing. It is always so confusing to me that she will watch all kinds of science and educational programs on tv (she really knows way more than I can believe at time) and yet getting her to do hw or realize how she can benefit from classes is so difficult. I do wonder if part of it is her perfectionism. It's almost like she would rather fail from not trying than fail from trying, Know what I mean??

    Terry-Thank you for the support; sorry you deal with the same thing with
    your difficult child.

    Robin-I'm glad to hear of your daughter's success; it's giving me some hope. We do tell her she is responsible for grades (have been for years) but for her she just seems to think it will work itself out. I'm really hoping the Wellbutrin will be of some help.

    K-husband and I both try to spend alone time with her but she doesn't seem to want to do that so much (once in awhile-however-then she complains that we don't spend time with her).

    Fran-Yes, I'm sure easy child has emotional scars from what she has had to deal with no matter how much we have tried.

    Bean-Thank you. I know a lot of this is from dealing with her brother; I'm hoping she can pull it together.

    Nancy-I so understand the consequences meaning nothing. She has never cared much for consequences; little matters to her when she is depressed. The one thing we haven't had to worry about so far is drugs and alcohol. At least at this point she thinks drugs and alcohol are stupid (her words). I'm sorry for what you are going through with having to bring her home from college; gentle hugs to you.

    Truly I want to thank you all for your support. It's so difficult to watch her like this. It's so confusing because one moment she seems so depressed and then she'll get up in the morning and be happy (or at least appear happy) for a bit. Then she goes right back into her depression. She is also one very angry girl. I'm hoping the combination of medications and therapy will begin to kick in.

    You are all the so appreciated.
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Have you thought about an IEP or 504 for her- just temporarily? I know it's a pain to get it going but she really just needs some extra supports right now it sounds like.

    Would she be ok with it if you just went in her room and chatted about light stuff for a little while?
  19. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    If she's that depressed, I wouldn't force the homework issue. It'd be wonderful if you could get her teachers to work with-you on this. If not, you may end up having to have her evaluated for an IEP.
  20. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    K and Sheila-I never really thought about an IEP or 504 before for her; something I need to think about. Thanks.