2 issues - Long

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Merris, Nov 10, 2007.

  1. Merris

    Merris New Member

    I don't want to move to PE. I know people move around the board alot, but I always come here. difficult child is almost 19 and he doesn't live with me, but this is my home board - can I stay?

    Next. As much as I have tried, I find myself back to where I was 2 years ago. Who could blame ex-H for getting out? I would get out if I could too.

    I got a call from DMHAS. difficult child never went back the other night. They believe he is stressed is overwhelmed about losing his "father figure" with no discussion, no good-bye. The day he didn't return is the day my divorce was finalized.

    They called me at work and told me that they will hold his bed for the weekend but after that he will have to go to a shelter. They are trying to find him an inpatient substance abuse program but it’s hard to find one for marijuana. Also, one that will take someone with a violent record. They said there won’t be a bed available in a program for at least a month. I told them that I don’t think he will make it that long. I think he’ll either implode and end up in jail or he will kill himself. There’s nothing I can do.

    I can’t have him come here. I just can’t. I don’t want to start all over again and I am still so sore from all the things in the past that I don’t want to go back there again. Not to mention my safety. Like my sister said. It’s like a dog that bit you. You love the dog and don’t want to get rid of it, but you’re never quite sure again. I love my son with all my heart, but I don’t like him right now and I don’t think he likes himself much right now either. I cannot project my feelings onto him anymore. He DOESN’T feel the way I would and by giving him words, I just give him more excuses.

    I talked to him on the phone after work. He wasn’t even going to tell me. He is playing games with my head. Last weekend when someone drove him back from a concert he lied to me about who drove him home. He just flat out lied when I knew the truth. This time, he wasn’t going to tell me that he hadn’t gone back. I didn’t tell him they were holding his bed. He wanted money for gas so he could get a ride back to the program. I told him I wasn’t giving him money anymore and I knew he hadn’t gone back. I asked him what they told him would happen if he didn’t go back (his PO said she would violate him). He said he had called and it was okay (I know it’s not or they wouldn’t have called). I asked him if he got high and he said no. I told him I knew he got high more than the 2 times he told me about.

    I can’t do anything about the choices he’s making. There is no way I am going to live my life like his father's mother has, but when do you give up? If he gets thrown out of the program, he is going to be homeless because he cannot come here and I will not allow him to live with my family in case he is still dangerous.

    I ask God why over and over again. I want an answer. I want to know WHY life has to be so painful. I want to know if I am ever going to get an answer. I realize that now it’s difficult child’s burden, but it causes me so much pain and I don’t understand it. I did what I was supposed to do. I was a good mom. He had supper every night. I made him do his homework. He had a bedtime. I loved him and played with him and tried SO hard to give him a good life. He had basketball and soccer, he was a cub scout and in clubs. He’s had the best doctors, the best lawyers, the best care. WHY?

    So much for cutting him off. I screamed at him last night. I'm sure it made no difference to him, but it made me feel better. I said, "Either you don't understand what you're doing or you don't care. If you don't understand, I can't MAKE you understand and if you don't care then stop f-ing with my head because I don't need it anymore".

    Changed the locks on my house. Gonna finish painting today. Going to look at dogs this afternoon. Start my art class on Thursday. Got more kudos from the President at work yesterday and a Regional Manager. Gotta keep going, but it hurts.

    It's very hard to believe that this is where God wants me to be right now.


    PS - Ken, if you're reading this, don't gloat - other people's pain shouldn't make you happy.
  2. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    Oh, Merris! I'm so sorry!! It certainly does sound like your rough time is continuing without a quick end in sight. But, on a positive note, you personally sound like you are doing so well! In spite of what's going on around you. Carrying on with your life must be so hard but may get easier each day. I haven't been there done that, but I would think that getting emerged in your own things (doing well at work, home projects, puppy) will leave you with with less time to worry about difficult child, thus promoting your good health. Get some good books while your at it, not self-help books, just easy read ones.

    in my opinion,your difficult child should not be able to live with you or your family because he needs to feel the natural consequences of his actions (I know he has before but apparently not enough yet). Not necessarily for punishment reasons, he just needs to make a choice to make better decisions. You've done all the "right" things for him to want a better life, he just needs to choose it. You've done your part, now it's time him to do his.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sweetie, I know how you feel. I've been there. Your son, for whatever reason, is refusing help. I think you are doing the right thing. If you took him back, he wouldn't have to think about possibly making life better for himself. Also, don't ask "why." You WERE a good mother. He probably has a genetic predisposition to mental illness, substance abuse, etc. that even all your good mothering couldn't reign in. It's NOT your fault, I wouldn't waste time feeling guilty.
    Maybe God wants you to spend this time on yourself, your needs, your interests, your life. Yes, I know it doesn't seem that way, but we matter too! We're NOT just here for our kids! You like dogs? I do too! I have four...lol. Go buy yourself the sweetest dog in the world--or go to a shelter and adopt one who needs a home. Dogs appreciate us all the time...lol. It's good for the ego and soul. You want some support? Go to an alanon meeting (or the equivalent of a group who has loved ones who do drugs). I got bang up support at those meetings. The support gave me strength and wisdom.
    (((Hugs))) to a wonderful mom. You did your time. Take care of yourself now and don't let your son ruin your life. You can do no more than you already have and it's up to your son now.
  4. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Merris, you most certainly are welcome to STAY on this board. Teens/SA is NOT just for teens but also Substance Abuse. My difficult child's are 24 and 20. This is my home as well as PE. Please feel free to visit whichever board is comfortable to you. (PE board is just as nice as Teens/SA too :whew:

    I was where you're at a few years ago. It's hard to accept that all your "helping" isn't helping. It's hard to swallow that all the parenting that was done feels like it is a slap in the face. It's hard not to think about the shoulda, coulda, woulda's.

    Substance usage changes the thinking in a person's mind/body. They are not the same person on substances as they are off substances. in my humble opinion, it doesn't really matter what drove the person to use substances.

    When I mention substances, I don't mean prescribed medication for any sort of condition, I mean either recreational drugs, alcohol, club drugs, and street drugs. There are many instances however where some people become addicted to pain medications due to their chronic pain. I'm not referring to those drugs either.

    Your situation is a little different Merris in that there was a violent incident involved. Due to that, you probably have some PTSD as well as a healthy sense of awareness.

    This great folks on this board can give you ideas on how to reduce stress, share/compare their experiences, and can be supportive and caring. What it can't do is make decisions for you.

    This horrible situation that we parent's find ourselves in with our SA kids is just that horrible. Each of us at some time or another finds the line in the sand that they draw and won't allow their difficult child to cross. Until that happens, we seem to just trudge along. Some of us can "take" so much more than others. Some of us have little tolerance and can take a stand rather quickly.

    I've been on the board for close to 5yrs now. I know I have progressed in some areas and stand still in other areas. My difficult child's as well have progressed in some and stay stagnant in others.

    What I do know is that it's ok to try something and fail. It's ok to try something else and have that work for a while. It's also ok to wipe your hands of everything and allow natural consequences to take over.

    We can't be there forever. We can't get inside our difficult child's head and MAKE them change. If we consume ourselves and allow ourselves to always get sucked into their drama it's not only difficult child thats affected, but ourselves and any other loved ones that we are venting to or have exposure to difficult child. We can take care of ourselves, we can be supportive, understanding, and helpful if asked. We can love them from a distance. We can create boundries. We can take care of us.
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm so glad to hear that with everything you are dealing with you are detaching and doing things for yourself. You are not climbing in a hole and allowing this to swallow you.

    Of course it's killing you, but you know what you need to do for yourself and for him, and you are doing it.

    I'm proud of how you are thinking and feeling. You have done everything right as a mother. I believe most of us here were the same kind of mother as you have been. My son always had a bed time, ate dinner home everynight. He was loved and never wanted for anything and I had to make the same decision you are now, a few years back. It's not easy, but it helps. You know crawling into a hole and letting his choices consume your life will not help either one of you.

    Do you go to alanon?? If you dont, pleast start. You are on the right track. You are thinking and doing everything you should and alanon will help you continue.

    Hang in there and keep doing what you're doing.
  6. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    I'm also so proud of the way you've been moving forward. Yes, we all backslide now and then on the detaching, but we never stop being moms, and the pain we feel when our children are hurting never truly stops either.

    It sounds like things are going well at work, that you are doing art class and other things to keep busy. I'd also recommend finding some kind of support group - whether it be alanon or some type of victims of crime by a family member type group.

    As for posting here in Teens, you're more than welcome to stay and post wherever you are comfortable. My son is 23, so I do read both the Teens and the PE board, but I still feel this is my little corner of the board. Heck, when my son bought his condo a month or so ago, I posted the good news here instead of WC. We're all family here, and whether it be PE or here in Teens, the two are basically connected. Many of us post in both.

    I'm proud of how far you've come, and am sending many good thoughts and prayers your way that things continue to get better for you.

  7. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Hi Merris~

    I'm so sorry your son continues to make the wrong decisions.

    You raise so many difficult questions.

    Why in spite of all you have given him has he chosen this path? Why has God allowed so many painful circumstances in his life? Why isn't he making better choices? Why? Why? Indeed - why???

    I know in my darkest moments I ask the same questions. I don't know that I've ever gotten any concrete answers. I don't know if I ever will.

    Every day I have to trust that God is in control of life ... even when life feels utterly, and totally out of control.

    Hugs from my mothers heart to yours.
  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    merris - I feel your pain also. It seems I have lived your life too. My son is 24 and in jail for the millionth time. When he was 18 we had to do the tough love thing over and over. Everytime he would end up at his "friends" house doing more drugs. We took him to rehab and had him involuntarily commited twice. Nothing worked. It is so hard. The only way I made it was God and the support of people that had already been there. My husband was helpful but his patience was already gone and I was still trying to "fix". I see now that nothing I do can make him do the right thing. My son wound up in jail many times. It seemed always right before we kicked him out or when he was homeless, etc. I thanked God for jail at that time. I believe it saved his life. It is so hard to see your child go there. But at least you know where they are. I understand about God to. I always feel like I think God picked the wrong person. My son was also in scouts, church choir, baseball, I stayed home with all of my children and did not work. He loves to fish, camp, hike all of that. His love for everything went down the tubes for drugs. He hung around with people that loved getting high. He has probably done every drug there is. He is in jail for contributing to the deliquency of a minor. I dont know what will happen now. I am still scared. I wrote him along letter. My suggestion to you is do what you can but dont beat yourself up. It is not you. I am a good mom too. I know I am. I will be here to listen.
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    No advice, no answers, just HUGS!!!!
  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Your son is steadfast in my prayers, as are all the struggling addicted difficult children.

    I wish I had some answers for you. Like MB, let me give you some hugs.

    Oh, and tell you that while posting here is absolutely appropriate, we don't bite on the P.E board either... :wink:
  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree. The PE board is awesome!
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    This is my HBF! It can be yours, too! DDD
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Merris, I post my stuff in PE but I always look here too since my son used.

    I am sorry that your son continues to walk the wrong path. But as you said it is his path not yours. I too was a good mom. My son had scouts sports, therapy, private school for Learning Disability (LD) kids, church, family, friends, tutors, and the list goes on and on. He was damaged beyond what I could "fix" I have learned to accept that. I have learned to accept that perhaps my sole purpose was to give him a good childhood regardless of what his adult life was going to be. Sometimes all we have is our faith. By defination that means that we might not know the reason things happen but we believe that God has a plan. Hugs to you and Kudos for and taking care of yourself. -RM