I don't want to move to PE. I know people move around the board alot, but I always come here. difficult child is almost 19 and he doesn't live with me, but this is my home board - can I stay? Next. As much as I have tried, I find myself back to where I was 2 years ago. Who could blame ex-H for getting out? I would get out if I could too. I got a call from DMHAS. difficult child never went back the other night. They believe he is stressed is overwhelmed about losing his "father figure" with no discussion, no good-bye. The day he didn't return is the day my divorce was finalized. They called me at work and told me that they will hold his bed for the weekend but after that he will have to go to a shelter. They are trying to find him an inpatient substance abuse program but its hard to find one for marijuana. Also, one that will take someone with a violent record. They said there wont be a bed available in a program for at least a month. I told them that I dont think he will make it that long. I think hell either implode and end up in jail or he will kill himself. Theres nothing I can do. I cant have him come here. I just cant. I dont want to start all over again and I am still so sore from all the things in the past that I dont want to go back there again. Not to mention my safety. Like my sister said. Its like a dog that bit you. You love the dog and dont want to get rid of it, but youre never quite sure again. I love my son with all my heart, but I dont like him right now and I dont think he likes himself much right now either. I cannot project my feelings onto him anymore. He DOESNT feel the way I would and by giving him words, I just give him more excuses. I talked to him on the phone after work. He wasnt even going to tell me. He is playing games with my head. Last weekend when someone drove him back from a concert he lied to me about who drove him home. He just flat out lied when I knew the truth. This time, he wasnt going to tell me that he hadnt gone back. I didnt tell him they were holding his bed. He wanted money for gas so he could get a ride back to the program. I told him I wasnt giving him money anymore and I knew he hadnt gone back. I asked him what they told him would happen if he didnt go back (his PO said she would violate him). He said he had called and it was okay (I know its not or they wouldnt have called). I asked him if he got high and he said no. I told him I knew he got high more than the 2 times he told me about. I cant do anything about the choices hes making. There is no way I am going to live my life like his father's mother has, but when do you give up? If he gets thrown out of the program, he is going to be homeless because he cannot come here and I will not allow him to live with my family in case he is still dangerous. I ask God why over and over again. I want an answer. I want to know WHY life has to be so painful. I want to know if I am ever going to get an answer. I realize that now its difficult childs burden, but it causes me so much pain and I dont understand it. I did what I was supposed to do. I was a good mom. He had supper every night. I made him do his homework. He had a bedtime. I loved him and played with him and tried SO hard to give him a good life. He had basketball and soccer, he was a cub scout and in clubs. Hes had the best doctors, the best lawyers, the best care. WHY? So much for cutting him off. I screamed at him last night. I'm sure it made no difference to him, but it made me feel better. I said, "Either you don't understand what you're doing or you don't care. If you don't understand, I can't MAKE you understand and if you don't care then stop f-ing with my head because I don't need it anymore". Changed the locks on my house. Gonna finish painting today. Going to look at dogs this afternoon. Start my art class on Thursday. Got more kudos from the President at work yesterday and a Regional Manager. Gotta keep going, but it hurts. It's very hard to believe that this is where God wants me to be right now. Merris PS - Ken, if you're reading this, don't gloat - other people's pain shouldn't make you happy.