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20 year old daughter and newborn baby kicked out
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 668398" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi SRJD, So sorry for your troubles that have led you here.</p><p>It is tough especially with grand babies involved. I agree with everything said- good solid advice. You have made the right decision. It's hard, but it's right. </p><p></p><p>My daughter became difficult around 12, very stubborn and headstrong. She had her first child at 15 so we were responsible for her and the baby. The father was very controlling. She wound up going back and forth between our house and his parents. We ended up becoming unwilling participants in their crazy lifestyle. That was nearly 12 years, two more children, and many sad, and heart wrenching episodes ago. </p><p></p><p>12 very long years of homecomings and leavings, three grandchildren whom we love, who crave and create chaos, never learned to respect belongings, or have manners in the house and everything else that comes with children being born into this mess. It is not their fault. </p><p></p><p>My other children would say " you've got to help them" , "what about the kids" etc. We continued down this rocky road of having them in our home, we thought we were helping, we weren't.</p><p></p><p>All the help went unappreciated, it became an expectation. These two biological "parents" didn't learn to take on their responsibilities and at 27 and 29, still act like teenagers. So, in reality, the help was not help. We got sucked into enabling and brought much stress and heartache upon ourselves. </p><p></p><p>We didn't save our grandchildren, we prolonged their misery. Looking back, I believe if we had taken a stance like yours long ago, it would have forced my daughter to make different choices. </p><p> </p><p>That is the retrospect I share with you in hopes that it will help you stay the course you have set. There is help out there. </p><p></p><p>Obviously, your daughter is not in a good frame of mind and her boyfriend is sketchy. This equates to a lot of trouble. By not taking them in, you are helping them "man up" to the job. </p><p></p><p>I agree that home is our sanctuary and we must protect that. This, after years of opening up our small home and each time, it eventually became a veritable war zone. </p><p></p><p>Stand firm, SRJD. You have raised your daughter. She is an adult and responsible for her choices, good or bad.</p><p> </p><p>I am building myself up for the next impending plea from my daughter to come home. I will say</p><p>" Go to a domestic violence shelter". There my daughter and her children will get the help they truly need, counseling, rules they will have to abide by. They will be fast tracked for housing. They will be around trained professionals who know how to deal with their many issues. </p><p></p><p>I am seeing that my daughter and I have a caustic relationship and that we cannot raise our grandchildren. We have no rights to them and after dealing a few times with CPS, their ultimate goal is to "reunite families" parents and children, because that is best. </p><p></p><p>I am trying to pick up the pieces and repair my heart. By allowing our daughter in and out of the revolving door, we have given up and given in way too much. Her life, her attitude, has not changed much. Her children suffer still and we, along with them. </p><p></p><p>So, my dear, there is the other side of the coin. </p><p></p><p>Do yourself, your daughter and her child a favor by staying firm and <em><u>truly</u></em> helping her realize her responsibilities. The earlier you do the better, which is what you have done. </p><p></p><p>(((((Hugs))))) and best wishes to you and yours.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 668398, member: 19522"] Hi SRJD, So sorry for your troubles that have led you here. It is tough especially with grand babies involved. I agree with everything said- good solid advice. You have made the right decision. It's hard, but it's right. My daughter became difficult around 12, very stubborn and headstrong. She had her first child at 15 so we were responsible for her and the baby. The father was very controlling. She wound up going back and forth between our house and his parents. We ended up becoming unwilling participants in their crazy lifestyle. That was nearly 12 years, two more children, and many sad, and heart wrenching episodes ago. 12 very long years of homecomings and leavings, three grandchildren whom we love, who crave and create chaos, never learned to respect belongings, or have manners in the house and everything else that comes with children being born into this mess. It is not their fault. My other children would say " you've got to help them" , "what about the kids" etc. We continued down this rocky road of having them in our home, we thought we were helping, we weren't. All the help went unappreciated, it became an expectation. These two biological "parents" didn't learn to take on their responsibilities and at 27 and 29, still act like teenagers. So, in reality, the help was not help. We got sucked into enabling and brought much stress and heartache upon ourselves. We didn't save our grandchildren, we prolonged their misery. Looking back, I believe if we had taken a stance like yours long ago, it would have forced my daughter to make different choices. That is the retrospect I share with you in hopes that it will help you stay the course you have set. There is help out there. Obviously, your daughter is not in a good frame of mind and her boyfriend is sketchy. This equates to a lot of trouble. By not taking them in, you are helping them "man up" to the job. I agree that home is our sanctuary and we must protect that. This, after years of opening up our small home and each time, it eventually became a veritable war zone. Stand firm, SRJD. You have raised your daughter. She is an adult and responsible for her choices, good or bad. I am building myself up for the next impending plea from my daughter to come home. I will say " Go to a domestic violence shelter". There my daughter and her children will get the help they truly need, counseling, rules they will have to abide by. They will be fast tracked for housing. They will be around trained professionals who know how to deal with their many issues. I am seeing that my daughter and I have a caustic relationship and that we cannot raise our grandchildren. We have no rights to them and after dealing a few times with CPS, their ultimate goal is to "reunite families" parents and children, because that is best. I am trying to pick up the pieces and repair my heart. By allowing our daughter in and out of the revolving door, we have given up and given in way too much. Her life, her attitude, has not changed much. Her children suffer still and we, along with them. So, my dear, there is the other side of the coin. Do yourself, your daughter and her child a favor by staying firm and [I][U]truly[/U][/I] helping her realize her responsibilities. The earlier you do the better, which is what you have done. (((((Hugs))))) and best wishes to you and yours. [/QUOTE]
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20 year old daughter and newborn baby kicked out
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