20 Year Old is a Mess

[Crystal0701]

So, I have a daughter who is 20 with a baby of her own. My husband and I have the baby 90 percent of the time while my daughter is out running around, not taking care of her responsibilities. She no longer lives in my home because it’s volatile and the confrontations get physical.

She has always been combative and was diagnosed with ADHD and we think she also has ODD. She refuses to seek treatment and it’s literally been the worst 15 years of my life. She was recently in a domestic violence situation and it was really bad. This occurred two months ago and she is already on to the next guy. They’re spending so much time together and he’s already involved with the baby in some capacity. My husband and I want to just give her the baby back so she had to deal with something but hen we don’t want the baby to suffer with the insanity. I miss work consistently because I have to watch the baby. My daughter just got done calling me a loser, miserable, etc. this is a weekly ordeal but I’m exhausted. I no longer want on this hamster wheel. I just need some input on what to do, especially in terms with her beautiful, amazing daughter!

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. Is your daughter on drugs too? My daughter is just awful and always was and she also uses drugs. Pot has a horrible affect on her. Alcohol too.

Honestly, our having been through hell for ten years, if I had had hindsight, in your shoes I would have involved Cps to try to get custody of the baby. If not, your daughter can make you her slave and threaten to take the baby every time you don't do what she wants. Your daughter is abusing you and in my opinion you need to be protected from her and hopefully the baby can be too. If you can't rzuse the baby, can a relative? A younger one?

This will not be easy. My nice daughter went through this to get custody of my wayward daughter's son. It was expensive and the wayward daughter doesn't speak to anyone anymore. But her son is safe with his aunt now.

It is hard to get tough with our abusive adult kids but since your daughter has a child, the child needs good care and not 100 abusive uncles. The baby is more vulnerable.

I would get a lawyer and try. That is the best you can do. You can mot make your daughter nice, reliable or sane. We have no control over our disturbed adult kids. We can only control us and our reactions to our hard situations.

Maybe you have another idea but are afraid to make your daughter mad. Just do it. She is already mad. And get alarms for your home. Take precautions. It is not good for anyone to be controlled by a tyrant, even.if its our own child.

Love and hugs.

 

[Crayola13]

It gets complicated when grandchildren are involved. There is a good chance the court could declare your daughter an unfit mother. But, then the child ends up in foster care if the grandparents cannot raise him or her. Depending on your age, health, and finances, you may not be able to raise this child. On the other hand, putting the child in foster care is a something no one wants to see happen. A lot of grandparents on this forum have been in this situation. I would recommend reading through the posts they have made over the years. Some grandparents will begin commenting and advising you about all this. Listen to people who have gone through it before you decide to do anything.

I’m so sorry for you and the grandchild both. I hope you can come up with a solution that is best for everyone. Maybe some day your daughter will be mature enough to be a mom, but that doesn’t always happen. She might behave this way the rest of her life. It’s not obit hard for the child, but it’s also very hard on the grandparents.

 

[BusynMember]

A good foster home is better than a crazy mom with 100 abusive boyfriends who could kill Mom and Baby too.
Do you have young, healthy family members? Another option.
If you call CPS even if Daughter does not lose custody (our system favors even horrible bio parents,) then at least she will be on their radar. She needs to know she is being watched or she could have five children by five fathers by age 26. We must assume she isn't on any birth control.

 

[Blighty]

Sorry you have had to go through this. It sounds exhausting. I hope you are able to come to a decision on what is best for you and the baby. You have so little control over your daughter when she is like that. Hugs

 

[Copabanana]

I agree with you. The current situation is untenable. Right now your daughter calls the shots. Your job is in jeopardy for her unreliability. If it's getting physical in your house, then your house is no longer your haven. Somebody is either going to get hurt, the police will be called, and somebody will be in real trouble. Your daughter is liable to lie and set somebody up. If the baby is present, the baby could be taken by CPS away from the family. Everybody is implicated if there is family violence. I am not trying to scare you. I am trying to establish it has already gone beyond the point of return.

You have decisions to make. Many, many parents are irresponsible and go from one partner to the next. If this alone was cause to be determined to be an unfit parent, 1 of 10 babies would be taken. At the same time,, outside of their own home, parents do not get to determine what kind of conduct of their adult children, is adequate or inadequate. That is for the courts to decide.

This is a question of boundaries I think. You cannot determine the fate of your granddaughter 100 percent... That is reality number 1. You could perhaps decide you want to raise her, propose that to your daughter, and make full legal arrangements to protect yourselves and the baby. But your daughter most likely will say no.

The reality is you cannot control the baby and you clearly cannot control your daughter. She is making it crystal clear that she controls herself and the baby. What you can do is withdraw and withdraw your help. I really don't see other options because your daughter is ungovernable and irresponsible. You can involve CPS if you believe that her conduct has risen to the level of neglect and abuse. If you believe it has, you really have no choice but to act in one way or another. There are no easy answers here about courses of action, Except that the present situation must stop.

Welcome.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi and welcome, so sorry for your need to be here. I have been in a similar situation with my grandkids and their parents issues, domestic violence, drug addiction, no responsibility.
It’s a hard road to be on, that’s for sure.
There are no easy answers.
I agree with Copa that the situation you are in needs to stop, you are being taken advantage of and berated at the same time. That’s unacceptable.

She was recently in a domestic violence situation and it was really bad

CPS in my state considers this to be cause to remove a child, but it seems your daughter has moved on.

My husband and I want to just give her the baby back so she had to deal with something but hen we don’t want the baby to suffer with the insanity.

It’s a hard spot to be in. We don’t have legal rights as grandparents unless parents are determined unfit by the court, and we take on the caregiver role, (if we are selected by CPS). The baby is her responsibility. We know our adult kids all too well, we love our grandchildren, want the best for them and fear the worst. But ultimately, we have no control over how our grandkids are raised.

I miss work consistently because I have to watch the baby. My daughter just got done calling me a loser, miserable, etc. this is a weekly ordeal but I’m exhausted.

This is abusive and unfair to you and the baby. You are watching her 90 percent of the time? Is the baby living with you?
Your daughter has no respect for you, or your time. She feels entitled to you providing care for
her child regardless of your own responsibilities.

I just need some input on what to do, especially in terms with her beautiful, amazing daughter!

What to do, that depends on what you and your husband decide. The most difficult part with our wayward adult children is the lack of natural affection and respect that normal relationships afford. I am guessing from your posts that setting boundaries with your daughter as far as you watching the baby, may lead to an “all or nothing” scenario. In these situations, grands are often used as pawns. You have no control over what your adult daughter does as far as baby is concerned.
You don’t want the baby to suffer with the insanity. Sigh. Our poor grandkids. They didn’t ask to be born into the craziness. But, you and your husband have your lives to live too.
For starters, I would definitely document how often you are caring for her. Keep a log. Something easy, on your phone or calendar. This will help you in your decision making, but also if CPS does have to get involved you have a record. With baby with you 90 percent of the time, while your daughter is out carousing, CPS may consider that child abandonment. Do you have security cameras in your home? If your daughter gets out of hand in your home, you have proof.
Does your daughter take baby to her pediatrician for well baby visits?
Is baby living in a safe environment when she is with your daughter?
Are you willing and able to raise your grandchild? If not, is there anyone in the family who would? What about the baby’s father? His family?
If CPS does get involved, if it is deemed the child needs to be removed from the parent, they will seek out willing relatives as temporary child caregivers, before outsiders. This has been my experience.
They will also offer parents service plans with the focus on educating the parent so that if they follow through with requirements they can be reunited with their child.
I may be giving you too much information. Sorry! With what I have read from your post, you have reason to be concerned for your grandchild’s welfare. She has no voice in this. She will need you and hubs to advocate for her. It doesn’t mean that CPS would remove her from her Moms care, but as Busy mentioned, she is on their radar. CPS had a record of my calls, this helped to establish safety concerns.
I hope I didn’t overwhelm you with my reply. It’s already a very hard situation to be in, I know.
Much love, best wishes and hugs. Again, I am so sorry for your need to be here, but glad you found this safe place to seek solutions.
New Leaf