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20 yo at home, no job
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 703843" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>At least go through your past few months of bank and credit card statements and valuables with a fine tooth comb. Drugs, even pot, are expensive. He has to fund it somehow. If he isn't working, he has to pay for it with someone's money, and he sure as sugar isn't using his own. How often have you gotten out somewhere and not had as much money as you thought you had? Please just think about that.</p><p></p><p>Even if you choose not to make him leave your home, know that every single penny you give to him funds his lifestyle. The more uncomfortable you make him, the more he will grow. It won't be comfortable for you either, but parenting isn't about fun. It is about making the hard choices and helping them grow up to be the best we can. I don't think guidance is really going to help at almost 21 because he is already set in his ways. You cannot really change another person. You CAN make them live with the consequences of their choices, and THAT is what parenting is about - natural and logical choices. I don't think he will pay you back, at least not with money from a job he will keep. Not without you having a real fit. But I could be wrong. It is all about what you want to do and what you choose to live with.</p><p></p><p>If you want to continue to live with him making these choices and with funding his lifestyle, there is nothing that says that you can't do that. Many people do that. Others choose to do other things at other times and for other reasons. Some feel that there are reasons the young adult needs more time to develop, or more help to mature, or has a problem that they need help with. Sometime the young adult is participating in help, sometimes they are not. Sometimes there is a delay with getting into a program, or a school, or whatever, and sometimes it is a cultural thing like a gap year. My personal belief is that the young adult should not be too comfortable, and in fact if drugs are being used regularly then the child should be made VERY uncomfortable.</p><p></p><p>In cases where stealing or violence are involved, I think the young adult should have to have a job pretty much immediately or else should move out. I just find it a total violation of trust and completely unacceptable. But that is MY view. </p><p></p><p>In some ways you seem to see him more as a teenager, which probably isn't that uncommon with first children (my oldest is 25, worked from age 16, and is out of the house, so my perspective is a little different probably). You may find some help in the book Parenting Your Teen With Love and Logic by Faye and Cline. It may provide help that is more along what you are thinking of. I am sorry if what I say seems more extreme than what you are looking for.</p><p></p><p>Please, with any and ALL advice, especially mine, take what helps you and ignore what doesn't. I can only offer advice from my perspective and that is likely very different from your own. I won't take offense if any or all of my advice is off the mark and you choose to ignore it!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 703843, member: 1233"] At least go through your past few months of bank and credit card statements and valuables with a fine tooth comb. Drugs, even pot, are expensive. He has to fund it somehow. If he isn't working, he has to pay for it with someone's money, and he sure as sugar isn't using his own. How often have you gotten out somewhere and not had as much money as you thought you had? Please just think about that. Even if you choose not to make him leave your home, know that every single penny you give to him funds his lifestyle. The more uncomfortable you make him, the more he will grow. It won't be comfortable for you either, but parenting isn't about fun. It is about making the hard choices and helping them grow up to be the best we can. I don't think guidance is really going to help at almost 21 because he is already set in his ways. You cannot really change another person. You CAN make them live with the consequences of their choices, and THAT is what parenting is about - natural and logical choices. I don't think he will pay you back, at least not with money from a job he will keep. Not without you having a real fit. But I could be wrong. It is all about what you want to do and what you choose to live with. If you want to continue to live with him making these choices and with funding his lifestyle, there is nothing that says that you can't do that. Many people do that. Others choose to do other things at other times and for other reasons. Some feel that there are reasons the young adult needs more time to develop, or more help to mature, or has a problem that they need help with. Sometime the young adult is participating in help, sometimes they are not. Sometimes there is a delay with getting into a program, or a school, or whatever, and sometimes it is a cultural thing like a gap year. My personal belief is that the young adult should not be too comfortable, and in fact if drugs are being used regularly then the child should be made VERY uncomfortable. In cases where stealing or violence are involved, I think the young adult should have to have a job pretty much immediately or else should move out. I just find it a total violation of trust and completely unacceptable. But that is MY view. In some ways you seem to see him more as a teenager, which probably isn't that uncommon with first children (my oldest is 25, worked from age 16, and is out of the house, so my perspective is a little different probably). You may find some help in the book Parenting Your Teen With Love and Logic by Faye and Cline. It may provide help that is more along what you are thinking of. I am sorry if what I say seems more extreme than what you are looking for. Please, with any and ALL advice, especially mine, take what helps you and ignore what doesn't. I can only offer advice from my perspective and that is likely very different from your own. I won't take offense if any or all of my advice is off the mark and you choose to ignore it! [/QUOTE]
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