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Parent Emeritus
20 yo still at home, no job - desperate mother!
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 703854" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Hilli,</p><p></p><p>You have set forth some realistic guidelines and I do hope your son will adhere to them. I do urge you to be very careful here because the line of helping and enabling is very easily crossed and can become blurred.</p><p>I suggest you go over your list again and after every expectation, counter it with a consequence. My husband and I tried "live by these rules" tactics more than a few times. Where we fell short was not having clearly defined consequences for each expectation. When our son did not do what he was supposed to we would tell him "here's the consequence" - we were making it up as we went along. Our son used that against us. He would start to debate with us that we had not been clear and to be quite honest, he was right. </p><p>You do not want to leave any room for negotiation. Whatever the consequence you need to be strong and stick with it. If you give in even once and do not follow through, your son has won and will use it against you. </p><p></p><p>I know you love your son and want to help him but you also need to realize that he is grown and will make his own choices. We cannot force our adult difficult children to change.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you.....................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 703854, member: 18516"] Hi Hilli, You have set forth some realistic guidelines and I do hope your son will adhere to them. I do urge you to be very careful here because the line of helping and enabling is very easily crossed and can become blurred. I suggest you go over your list again and after every expectation, counter it with a consequence. My husband and I tried "live by these rules" tactics more than a few times. Where we fell short was not having clearly defined consequences for each expectation. When our son did not do what he was supposed to we would tell him "here's the consequence" - we were making it up as we went along. Our son used that against us. He would start to debate with us that we had not been clear and to be quite honest, he was right. You do not want to leave any room for negotiation. Whatever the consequence you need to be strong and stick with it. If you give in even once and do not follow through, your son has won and will use it against you. I know you love your son and want to help him but you also need to realize that he is grown and will make his own choices. We cannot force our adult difficult children to change. ((HUGS)) to you..................... [/QUOTE]
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