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Parent Emeritus
20 yo still at home, no job - desperate mother!
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704093" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hilli</p><p></p><p>You have gotten excellent feedback and I really cannot add much more except to tell you a little bit about our own experience in this realm.</p><p></p><p>85 percent of what you write could apply to us.</p><p></p><p>I am the champion list of conditions writers. I have gotten close to achieving a law degree by the specificity and the consequences. Like the State Legal Code.</p><p></p><p>Based upon my experience, understand this: you are writing the contract for you; for you to see clearly where you stand, what you need, and the seriousness and motivation your son will bring to this.</p><p></p><p>In our history, my son blows it off for the most part. He does the little bit of it, that he chooses to do, and then defines the situation to me as "handled. I've made a great deal of progress." When the reality is anything but this.</p><p></p><p>My son violates the spirit and conditions of every single agreement we have made, even though I have thrown him out consistently when he dos not adhere to his commitments.</p><p></p><p>Even when it is all spelled out, he still blames me for his non-compliance.</p><p></p><p>You see, he never wanted the contracts. They were all forced by me. <em>He had no will to change based upon my conditions, my priorities, my timetable.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I totally can see his point of view, but he cannot see my own. He wants what I have. He wants the security, the housing, the support I have to offer. He wants to control the nature of the exchange. He wants to set the terms on both sides.</p><p></p><p>He views my conditions as forced on him. Which he resists. Through lies, manipulation, obfuscation and any other tactic he can devise to thwart and delay and dissemble.</p><p></p><p>He has his own view of the desired terms on which he wants to contract: He gets what I have to offer. In exchange, he will define how he lives. He does defer to us a whole lot more than before. But the whole thing really is a giant f/u. He does not feel we have the right to impose conditions on his life. Even though each condition is for his own welfare.</p><p></p><p>There is no buy in. Really. There is occasional compliance. The whole arrangement is wearing and it is sad.</p><p></p><p>Most parents here believe that detachment is the answer, that we cannot make them want anything. That we cannot make them love us or love themselves. We cannot help them stay alive or safe. And these parents believe that detachment is the preferred goal, so as to extricate ourselves from an impossible situation, and give them the respect and the autonomy to live their own lives, as they choose. Without expectations or conditions.</p><p></p><p>I am one parent here who struggles with this. Not because I cannot do it. I have. But, I do feel there may be other options, a continuum of possibilities rather than one or another.</p><p></p><p>The contract will help you stay clear about your own needs, and it will help you monitor and evaluate his buy in, his integrity, his motivation--by results.</p><p></p><p>I cannot speak to success. In my experience the contracts engender more resistance than anything else.</p><p></p><p>When I think about it, I think that makes sense. Do we really want compliant adult sons?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704093, member: 18958"] Hilli You have gotten excellent feedback and I really cannot add much more except to tell you a little bit about our own experience in this realm. 85 percent of what you write could apply to us. I am the champion list of conditions writers. I have gotten close to achieving a law degree by the specificity and the consequences. Like the State Legal Code. Based upon my experience, understand this: you are writing the contract for you; for you to see clearly where you stand, what you need, and the seriousness and motivation your son will bring to this. In our history, my son blows it off for the most part. He does the little bit of it, that he chooses to do, and then defines the situation to me as "handled. I've made a great deal of progress." When the reality is anything but this. My son violates the spirit and conditions of every single agreement we have made, even though I have thrown him out consistently when he dos not adhere to his commitments. Even when it is all spelled out, he still blames me for his non-compliance. You see, he never wanted the contracts. They were all forced by me. [I]He had no will to change based upon my conditions, my priorities, my timetable. [/I] I totally can see his point of view, but he cannot see my own. He wants what I have. He wants the security, the housing, the support I have to offer. He wants to control the nature of the exchange. He wants to set the terms on both sides. He views my conditions as forced on him. Which he resists. Through lies, manipulation, obfuscation and any other tactic he can devise to thwart and delay and dissemble. He has his own view of the desired terms on which he wants to contract: He gets what I have to offer. In exchange, he will define how he lives. He does defer to us a whole lot more than before. But the whole thing really is a giant f/u. He does not feel we have the right to impose conditions on his life. Even though each condition is for his own welfare. There is no buy in. Really. There is occasional compliance. The whole arrangement is wearing and it is sad. Most parents here believe that detachment is the answer, that we cannot make them want anything. That we cannot make them love us or love themselves. We cannot help them stay alive or safe. And these parents believe that detachment is the preferred goal, so as to extricate ourselves from an impossible situation, and give them the respect and the autonomy to live their own lives, as they choose. Without expectations or conditions. I am one parent here who struggles with this. Not because I cannot do it. I have. But, I do feel there may be other options, a continuum of possibilities rather than one or another. The contract will help you stay clear about your own needs, and it will help you monitor and evaluate his buy in, his integrity, his motivation--by results. I cannot speak to success. In my experience the contracts engender more resistance than anything else. When I think about it, I think that makes sense. Do we really want compliant adult sons? [/QUOTE]
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