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21 year old son in and out of house
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 632831" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>YoungMom, I honestly had no "aha" moment that happened with my oldest difficult child, which was when I was living in agony, wondering how I produced this uncaring child, wondering if my family was right about me, trying to make my mother love me (an impossible task I wasted half my life on). It actually took reading a book to kick me awake. I know that sounds silly, but I read and read and read and I put it down and thought, in a very puzzled, out-of-it way, "I don't have to live through my son? I can let his problems go and make him responsible? B-b-but he can't do it. He has so many problems. He is mentally ill, and that's why he's mean to me. And it's my responsibility!" I read the book a little at a time and then I joined a CODA group )Codependents Anonymous). Now the CODA join was not even because of my son. My first husband was a very sick man. He had a syndrome nobody has ever heard of (if anyone is interested it is called Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia IIB). I am probably the onlyl person I know that has even heard of it, let alone can spell it and explain it. In a very quick and simplistic explanation, there is cancer involved and it is much like the Elephant Man's Disease, only the tumors form on the endocrine glands on a person's insides, so they can't be seen. They do get cafe lait spots, as they also do is neurfribomotosis (which is ELephant's Man Disease, spelled wrong). He was sure he'd die soon and I felt so guilty he was sick (like I had anything to do with his genes) that he could be as horrible to me as he wanted and I felt I couldn't defend myself because he was "sick." by the way, he is 66 and still alive, but that's a whole other story. He HAS been sick with this, however he is no longer my husband.</p><p></p><p>CODA was where I heard others talking about how they felt they could fix their dystunctional family/friends/co-workers/kissing cousins and how they had always blamed themselves, but that it was not only not our fault, it was not our responsibility to try to fix them BECASE IT ISN'T POSSIBLE.</p><p></p><p>Wow. What a novel thought. It was a long time before I could digest it. Remember, that woman's group when I ran out of it in tears. But this was different. I was about your age and was ready to listen because I felt as if I was losing my mind and I was so depressed I had thought of suicide so SOMETHING had to change. CODA gave me many moments and time to digest the changes I was feeling and also gave me the companionship I needed to act on what I now understood to be true...that even if somebody is sick or your child neither has a right to abuse anybody. There is no excuse for abuse and we shouldn't have to take it. But, trust me, this was no walk in the park. Some peopl may have had a quick moment. For me it was an evolving thing. And I still tried to chase after my mean mother who eventually died and disinherited me. So my kindness to her, the love letters, my apologies that I didn't know what I was apologizing for, the willingness to take responsibility for a relationship that was not 100% all bad because of me was wasted. She slapped me from the grave. THAT taught me a BIG lesson and maybe it was the closest I came to an "aha" moment. I realized that no matter what I did, she still didn't respect me, care for me, or even consider me her child. It still took more time, but I did "get" that if somebody wants you out of their life, then you are wasting your self respect and your other facets of life if you focus everything on trying to make yourself worthy of them. Never again. Not even with my kids.</p><p></p><p>Youngmom, at age thirty, my ex and I (at the time I was in denial that our marriage stunk) adopted a wonderful, cute, brilliant little six year old boy from Hong Kong. Too bad, although he had no bad behaviors, he never bonded to us. In his 20's he suddenly left us all. I was able to use my new copoing skills to get over it faster. It took about two years to accept he was gone and not coming back, but they were not as bad as my longing for Mommy. And now I am completely over it. Ok, well, 98%. He is living a very expensive and decent lifestyle and is healthy. If he doesn't want me in his life, hey, I have four other children and two grandchildren who do love me. Focus on them. Must.focus.on.them. Also, hey, have a nice hubby too and myself. I needed therapy to get over my son and to understand he had attachment disorder and that none of this was my fault. I'm a BIG believer in therapy and getting help. I think we ruminate if we hold it in and don't heal as fast.</p><p></p><p>My life since after Psychokid left has been pretty drama free and good. I even did really well with Psychokid and was able to stay calm and get help for my younger children, who are now adults and still doing great. My life is full of blessings and I am very content and happy now.Every so often 36 tries to toss a blip into my happiness, but I just let his drama be HIS drama. Since I've clamped down on his abusive talk, he has not done it. He also seems to be slowly improving. I say that with mucho caution. He seems to have a more rational plan for his future life, since he got rid of his crazy girlfriend (that's a whole other story and 100% on him). I hope he means it. I may even visit my grandson this year, but not by myself.</p><p></p><p>YoungMom, you had a lot of responsibility at a very young age and its time for you to have some fun. You are obviously extremely mature. You took the responsibility of your son seriously, even though you were not grown up yourself when you had him. You are a ch ampion; a winner. Please understand that genetics plays a part in our children too. Perhaps his father is like him? Even if he didn't know his father, he is 50% his father's genes. We all have to learn to have a good life even if we are dealt some bad genes (cards). Or we choose not to. That doesn't give those who choose not to try the right to take everyone else down with them.</p><p></p><p>As for your family, bet you feel like a little girl again when you talk to Mom. I always did. Be careful how often you talk to your worst critic, no matter who it is. Be careful what you say. It is also within your rights to say, in a gentle way,"The topic of "Joe" is off limits. We can talk about anything else, but not him. If you can not respect this boundary, I will gently hang up (or leave). You can decide not to discuss your son with anyone else because, frankly, whatever goes on between you and your son is not their business, even if he tells them. He doesn't have to share that boundary with you. He can talk to whoever he wants to try to grab sympathy. But you can put your foot down in a kind way and tell them, "He is not a topic I will discuss with anybody anymore." And then mean it. So far, their advice hasn't worked, has it? This criticism will only undermine your confidence.</p><p></p><p>You are on the right track and you are smart and you deserve a great life. Stick around, like I did. We all care about you. We are holding your hand. See, we have all been there/done that/have the tee-shirt. We are here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 632831, member: 1550"] YoungMom, I honestly had no "aha" moment that happened with my oldest difficult child, which was when I was living in agony, wondering how I produced this uncaring child, wondering if my family was right about me, trying to make my mother love me (an impossible task I wasted half my life on). It actually took reading a book to kick me awake. I know that sounds silly, but I read and read and read and I put it down and thought, in a very puzzled, out-of-it way, "I don't have to live through my son? I can let his problems go and make him responsible? B-b-but he can't do it. He has so many problems. He is mentally ill, and that's why he's mean to me. And it's my responsibility!" I read the book a little at a time and then I joined a CODA group )Codependents Anonymous). Now the CODA join was not even because of my son. My first husband was a very sick man. He had a syndrome nobody has ever heard of (if anyone is interested it is called Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia IIB). I am probably the onlyl person I know that has even heard of it, let alone can spell it and explain it. In a very quick and simplistic explanation, there is cancer involved and it is much like the Elephant Man's Disease, only the tumors form on the endocrine glands on a person's insides, so they can't be seen. They do get cafe lait spots, as they also do is neurfribomotosis (which is ELephant's Man Disease, spelled wrong). He was sure he'd die soon and I felt so guilty he was sick (like I had anything to do with his genes) that he could be as horrible to me as he wanted and I felt I couldn't defend myself because he was "sick." by the way, he is 66 and still alive, but that's a whole other story. He HAS been sick with this, however he is no longer my husband. CODA was where I heard others talking about how they felt they could fix their dystunctional family/friends/co-workers/kissing cousins and how they had always blamed themselves, but that it was not only not our fault, it was not our responsibility to try to fix them BECASE IT ISN'T POSSIBLE. Wow. What a novel thought. It was a long time before I could digest it. Remember, that woman's group when I ran out of it in tears. But this was different. I was about your age and was ready to listen because I felt as if I was losing my mind and I was so depressed I had thought of suicide so SOMETHING had to change. CODA gave me many moments and time to digest the changes I was feeling and also gave me the companionship I needed to act on what I now understood to be true...that even if somebody is sick or your child neither has a right to abuse anybody. There is no excuse for abuse and we shouldn't have to take it. But, trust me, this was no walk in the park. Some peopl may have had a quick moment. For me it was an evolving thing. And I still tried to chase after my mean mother who eventually died and disinherited me. So my kindness to her, the love letters, my apologies that I didn't know what I was apologizing for, the willingness to take responsibility for a relationship that was not 100% all bad because of me was wasted. She slapped me from the grave. THAT taught me a BIG lesson and maybe it was the closest I came to an "aha" moment. I realized that no matter what I did, she still didn't respect me, care for me, or even consider me her child. It still took more time, but I did "get" that if somebody wants you out of their life, then you are wasting your self respect and your other facets of life if you focus everything on trying to make yourself worthy of them. Never again. Not even with my kids. Youngmom, at age thirty, my ex and I (at the time I was in denial that our marriage stunk) adopted a wonderful, cute, brilliant little six year old boy from Hong Kong. Too bad, although he had no bad behaviors, he never bonded to us. In his 20's he suddenly left us all. I was able to use my new copoing skills to get over it faster. It took about two years to accept he was gone and not coming back, but they were not as bad as my longing for Mommy. And now I am completely over it. Ok, well, 98%. He is living a very expensive and decent lifestyle and is healthy. If he doesn't want me in his life, hey, I have four other children and two grandchildren who do love me. Focus on them. Must.focus.on.them. Also, hey, have a nice hubby too and myself. I needed therapy to get over my son and to understand he had attachment disorder and that none of this was my fault. I'm a BIG believer in therapy and getting help. I think we ruminate if we hold it in and don't heal as fast. My life since after Psychokid left has been pretty drama free and good. I even did really well with Psychokid and was able to stay calm and get help for my younger children, who are now adults and still doing great. My life is full of blessings and I am very content and happy now.Every so often 36 tries to toss a blip into my happiness, but I just let his drama be HIS drama. Since I've clamped down on his abusive talk, he has not done it. He also seems to be slowly improving. I say that with mucho caution. He seems to have a more rational plan for his future life, since he got rid of his crazy girlfriend (that's a whole other story and 100% on him). I hope he means it. I may even visit my grandson this year, but not by myself. YoungMom, you had a lot of responsibility at a very young age and its time for you to have some fun. You are obviously extremely mature. You took the responsibility of your son seriously, even though you were not grown up yourself when you had him. You are a ch ampion; a winner. Please understand that genetics plays a part in our children too. Perhaps his father is like him? Even if he didn't know his father, he is 50% his father's genes. We all have to learn to have a good life even if we are dealt some bad genes (cards). Or we choose not to. That doesn't give those who choose not to try the right to take everyone else down with them. As for your family, bet you feel like a little girl again when you talk to Mom. I always did. Be careful how often you talk to your worst critic, no matter who it is. Be careful what you say. It is also within your rights to say, in a gentle way,"The topic of "Joe" is off limits. We can talk about anything else, but not him. If you can not respect this boundary, I will gently hang up (or leave). You can decide not to discuss your son with anyone else because, frankly, whatever goes on between you and your son is not their business, even if he tells them. He doesn't have to share that boundary with you. He can talk to whoever he wants to try to grab sympathy. But you can put your foot down in a kind way and tell them, "He is not a topic I will discuss with anybody anymore." And then mean it. So far, their advice hasn't worked, has it? This criticism will only undermine your confidence. You are on the right track and you are smart and you deserve a great life. Stick around, like I did. We all care about you. We are holding your hand. See, we have all been there/done that/have the tee-shirt. We are here. [/QUOTE]
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