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21 year old son in and out of house
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 632952" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Young Mom, welcome. I'm glad you found us. </p><p></p><p>You've been offered some very sound advice from our warrior parents......you sound ready to move onto a new landscape now, open to new thoughts, gleaning a lot from the experience of those who have walked in the same shoes......when we become ready to change, I believe in that adage, '<em>when the student is ready, the teacher appears.'</em> That is what happened to me, I became ready and all of these teachers showed up to show me the way. Thank goodness.</p><p></p><p>I found this forum in the middle of one of those horrible sleepless nights when you feel alone, isolated and scared for your child, blaming yourself, feeling guilty, filled with sorrow and remorse for real and imagined wrongdoings.........and there on the page were the stories.......so similar to mine, it was an amazing gift in the middle of a hurricane of anguish. I was not alone.</p><p></p><p>Then I found a 2 year long intensive course in codependency recovery through a huge HMO here in CA. Signing up for that program changed my life. </p><p></p><p>I think that ah ha moment came one day when my daughter was living with us and making both my husband and myself feel like we were going crazy. We left and took a drive to a different town about an hour away. In that hour we vented to each other about the reactions we were both having about my daughter's bad, negative, manipulative, angry, awful behavior. The difference for me is that I had raised her alone and I never had another person validate and acknowledge my feelings in that precise way, someone who was living with the same insanity I was. A part of me was stunned. You mean all of those internal feelings and observations I had were REAL, were RIGHT, were indisputable? Wow. Before that I could deny a lot, tell myself I had exaggerated it or it wasn't that bad, or maybe I didn't really understand, maybe it was me, maybe it was my fault, maybe I could do more.......</p><p></p><p>My husband effectively dispelled all of that. It was like eating a truth grenade. I recall him saying this to me......."it's as if you and your daughter are in a sinking boat full of holes and while you are frantically bailing out the water, your daughter is busy drilling new holes." It felt like I was hit with a bat and it jarred my brain. I got it. From that day forward, it all began to change. </p><p></p><p>Having someone acknowledge the TRUTH of what is, validates our experience and starts to pull us out of the FOG. It hurts and is liberating at the same time. It is the beginning of our letting go, of our detaching from the level of insanity we've become accustomed to living. It is time to check out of the Bates motel and start to LIVE once again.</p><p></p><p>Hang out here with us Young Mom, you will find us a welcoming and inclusive tribe of wounded warriors who've lived through a war and come out a little ragged, a lot exhausted, yet still able to laugh and find joy in our lives.................even though our kids have gone off the rails......we're learning to value the preciousness of our own lives.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 632952, member: 13542"] Young Mom, welcome. I'm glad you found us. You've been offered some very sound advice from our warrior parents......you sound ready to move onto a new landscape now, open to new thoughts, gleaning a lot from the experience of those who have walked in the same shoes......when we become ready to change, I believe in that adage, '[I]when the student is ready, the teacher appears.'[/I] That is what happened to me, I became ready and all of these teachers showed up to show me the way. Thank goodness. I found this forum in the middle of one of those horrible sleepless nights when you feel alone, isolated and scared for your child, blaming yourself, feeling guilty, filled with sorrow and remorse for real and imagined wrongdoings.........and there on the page were the stories.......so similar to mine, it was an amazing gift in the middle of a hurricane of anguish. I was not alone. Then I found a 2 year long intensive course in codependency recovery through a huge HMO here in CA. Signing up for that program changed my life. I think that ah ha moment came one day when my daughter was living with us and making both my husband and myself feel like we were going crazy. We left and took a drive to a different town about an hour away. In that hour we vented to each other about the reactions we were both having about my daughter's bad, negative, manipulative, angry, awful behavior. The difference for me is that I had raised her alone and I never had another person validate and acknowledge my feelings in that precise way, someone who was living with the same insanity I was. A part of me was stunned. You mean all of those internal feelings and observations I had were REAL, were RIGHT, were indisputable? Wow. Before that I could deny a lot, tell myself I had exaggerated it or it wasn't that bad, or maybe I didn't really understand, maybe it was me, maybe it was my fault, maybe I could do more....... My husband effectively dispelled all of that. It was like eating a truth grenade. I recall him saying this to me......."it's as if you and your daughter are in a sinking boat full of holes and while you are frantically bailing out the water, your daughter is busy drilling new holes." It felt like I was hit with a bat and it jarred my brain. I got it. From that day forward, it all began to change. Having someone acknowledge the TRUTH of what is, validates our experience and starts to pull us out of the FOG. It hurts and is liberating at the same time. It is the beginning of our letting go, of our detaching from the level of insanity we've become accustomed to living. It is time to check out of the Bates motel and start to LIVE once again. Hang out here with us Young Mom, you will find us a welcoming and inclusive tribe of wounded warriors who've lived through a war and come out a little ragged, a lot exhausted, yet still able to laugh and find joy in our lives.................even though our kids have gone off the rails......we're learning to value the preciousness of our own lives. I'm glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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