21 year old son won't move out

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by oldmama, Oct 8, 2011.

  1. oldmama

    oldmama New Member


    My 21 year old son ( the baby of the family) won't move out. He's driving me crazy.. literally.. I feel like I'm going insane... I'm depressed, I talk to myself, I can't sleep, I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm lost and alone.

    he's ruined my marriage.. my husband refuses to have anything to do with my kids now.. we have separated because he forced me to choose between him and my kids... I feel guilty because I chose my kids and now I'm lonely, depressed and completely hopeless and kind of wish I chose my husband instead. My life would be so much easier if I had chosen my husband.

    Growing up my son had borderline adhd and was constantly in trouble. Always kicked out of daycare and schools.. Detention was a weekly occurance. It got to the point when he was 16 that I just gave up and counted the days for him to turn 18 and move out.

    Thank god he never got into drugs or gangs... but instead he stayed in his room for years playing world of warcraft 20 hours a day.

    now he's just had his 21st birthday and refuses to move out... he keeps setting dates to move out but then comes up with excuses everytime...

    he works a part time job and goes to college... he got a free student grant for 4000 so he has plenty of money to move into his own apartment but he JUST WON"T MOVE!!!!

    i just want my freedom... i want to be alone... i want the house to myself so I can think...

    what can I do to get him to move?????
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Oldmama,
    what a sad story.
    Who paid for his computer? His tuition? Surely he cannot afford that on his own.
    (Yes, I know you did ... it's called "enabling.")
    Despite your regrets, you do have a future. Give him very short notice that you are turning off the Internet if he does not get a FT job and show you his paychecks. Start by turning off the Internet for half of the day. That means you have to have a key to the room where the main DSL or wireless is stored. Or you have to move it.
    Find a class that teaches living skills. Make him sign up for it. It can be run by the city or by a hospital or any number of places. He needs to learn to do the dishes, laundry, make meals, etc. He may be shutting down because he has anxiety issues.
    Is he on any medications? Who pays his insurance? (I assume you do.)
    It seems like ADHD is only the tip of the iceberg. What was he like as a baby? Toddler? What sort of trouble was he in in school?

    I would also suggest that you go to a support group, either for caregivers, or AlAnon, or both. You need to learn to grow a thick skin (rhino skin is what we call it here) and to detach. NO. MORE. GUILT.
  3. oldmama

    oldmama New Member

    yes I have tried to take away the internet many, many times... the modem seemed to spend more time locked up in the trunk of my car more than it was plugged in.

    my son is very intelligent... i mean EXTREMELY smart... for example... he only finished 9th grade but when I made him take the ged at age 17 he took the test without ANY studying and passed it the first time. His scores put him at the top 10% of the country!!!!

    He's just LAZY... I know I'm an enabler... I try so hard to not be that way anymore...

    he manipulates me so easy because he's so smart... I'm not as quick as him and he gets me everytime.. I've said to my husband and my ex-husband that I need help with this kid but they just don't get it.. or they don't listen to me... i don't know...

    I think his dad is secretly grateful that I'm stuck with this kid cuz he doesn't know what to do with him either...

    I wish he would find a girl and get married so he would then be her problem and not mine... oh my god, i'm a terrible person to say these things but it's how I really feel...

    i just don't know how to get him to understand that I need him to move out because he';s driving me crazy..
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I suggest posting this on Parent Emeritus where the parents all have grown kids with issues.

    I am one of them. Personally, he would have had his entire money supply cut off a long time ago if it were me. And no computer. And he'd have his bags packed. And when kids are minors I can see choosing kids over husband, but not when this child is an ADULT. I would have told the adult to go. The adult CHILD. It is YOUR house. YOU make the rules. He listens, pays rent, works full time, helps with utilities, etc. or he gets out or he will NEVER grow up and you will NEVER have a life. Your son is no longer your little child or your responsibility and if he married, he'd probably get divorced until he learns how to be an adult. You can help him do that, but not by letting him live a responsibility free life.

    I have a son with autism who is eighteen and still in high school. He is getting supports so that he will be working by the time he is out of high school. I personally do not tolerate laziness...and do not feel it will help my precious son if I let him slide by on his disability. I feel he will feel useless and depressed if he does not contribute to society to the best of his ability.

    You may want to read Melody Beatties terrific books on Codependency because that is what enablers are...codependents. And we are no good to those we love or to ourselves. We have to love ourselves in order to be the best we can for anybody else. I suggest starting out with "Codependent No More."

    Take care and check over at Parent Emeritus :)
  5. oldmama

    oldmama New Member

    Thank you and yes I just found Parent Emeritus - I'm new to this forum haha.... and I have read codependent no more but that was years ago... maybe its time to re-read that book... thanks again.

    It's like I know all this stuff already so why do I keep doing all the wrong things?!?!?! argh!!!
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    1. Its always easier in theory than it is in practice.

    2. It is very difficult to go it alone.

    None of us can do much about #1... except keep practicing.

    You just did something about #2. You're HERE. So are we. You are not alone anymore.

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Give the boy a move out date in writing. On that date put his stuff outside and change the locks. If you think that all he needs is to be pushed out, that is what you do. If he fights, bangs on the door, whines that he has nowhere to go, give him a list of local shelters and tell him you gave him written notice 2 weeks or 30 days ago and those are HIS problems and NOT YOURS.

    If you think he can't, as in is not ABLE to learn to take care of himself, then you have to find some way to push him into a dorm or something where he will get some assistance but won't be babied.

    When you change the locks and put his stuff out, tell him he can always ask his dad. After all, hasn't dad been happy to just not deal with this and not support you on this? Make it dad's problem by refusing to let it be yours. You will feel guilty for a while, but frankly, you are probably not doing him any favors by letting him live with you.

    IF, by some reason he decides to push his "tenant's rights" to your home, you may have to take a copy of the written notice that you gave him and file an eviction order with the court. Then in 30 days he will be out. A LOT of that depends on if he tries to assert that. If he doesn't? Tell him in writing that he has two weeks, maybe pick up some boxes from the liquor store (and check what he packs to make sure he isn't taking your stuff, esp anything valuable!

    For at least the week before the eviction date, turn off his internet at home. Then he either won't be there or will be there and can pack his stuff up.
  8. oldmama

    oldmama New Member

    Thank you all for the great advice... now I just have to get up the courage to do these things!
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oldmama, keep checking back and we'll give you the courage. Parent Emeritus is a good place to check back, as well. You can do it!!!!!
    by the way, there is a note on Watercooler about a bad dream. Read that note. That is what you are going through. We ALL share those feelings.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    If you have any support...a freind or brother who can be with you on the day that you kick him out (if it comes to that) I would recommend it. He may not be as tempted to throw a fit if there are witnesses.
  11. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    i hate world of warcraft. i swear my husband would spend his whole life on there if i didn't nag him and take it away..
    anyhow. this time you try setting the date for him to move. give him an 'eviction notice' and make sure he knows it's set in stone and that if he doesn't find a place by then the locks will all be changed regardless of his plans. you may need to actually temperarily suspend internet service if your internet provider allows that. i know mine did, i was able to put my internet and cable 'on hold' so to speak for three weeks with no cost. it's worth checking out. good luck.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh yes...the boys that dont grow up. You definitely need to set a toss out date. Look up shelters in your town and make a list. Im sure your son can find a Full time job. He sounds quite bright. Also, most of these difficult child's land on their feet quite well. I have yet to hear of one who actually ended up freezing to death on a park bench. They manage to find friends to take them in and couch surf.

    I would set a date. Its the 10th of October now. Maybe set the date for 12/1 now. Give him a certified letter that he has to sign for so that it is a legal eviction just in case you have to go that route in your state. We actually have to do that in NC. So make sure you serve him with papers. As long as you have a copy of that notarized statement and a copy of the envelope you sent him and where he picked it up or proof that you sent it certified and he refused to pick it up...all is good.

    On that date you can lock him out.

    I have a 30 year old man (my son) still living with me. He should be gone. I have wanted him to leave so many times but Tony (my partner) feels he is my most disabled child and thinks it would be mean to push him out too fast. Argh. After all, he didnt get his drivers license until he was 27. He has been working at his retail job either full or part time since 26. They manage to keep his hours somewhere between 20 to 40 a week and you just never know what it will be. He doesnt have the guts to go find a better one anywhere. He has aspergers and just doesnt come across very well in interviews I think. He is also very obese so I think that is also a problem. However, we have told him he has to find a place by his birthday this coming year. Supposedly he is going to find a place when he gets his income taxes. He actually told us "I dont know what you guys are going to do when I am gone!" Huh? Number one, he eats like 3 people and doesnt help with groceries. He pays all of $150 a month to live here. He has 2 computers in his room, 2 computer monitors, a PS3, a 27 in HDTV, a dvr cable box, a fan, and I dont know how many other things plugged into the electricity in there. When he leaves I am sure my electric bill will fall. He doesnt do any cleaning in here including his bedroom. Once in a blue moon he will cook but its not very good. Normally hamburger helper, spaghetti or hotdogs.

    I think we will get by without him here...lol. My question is omg, what will he do!
  13. Hey there, I realise this post is a month old now but was just wondering how's the situation going? Read your posts and was just wondering how much awareness/knowledge does your son have about his (borderline) ADHD? Has he read books, looked into online resources about ADHD? I say this not to excuse adult ADHD-ers, but in the ADHD world there's what we call the "30% rule"- those with ADHD do tend to be 30% 'slower' in their development- emotionally or functionally. You probably already know this, but it's the 'executive functions' that are impaired in ADHD, and that affects many aspects of life, if not all- including daily living, regardless of whether your IQ is 100 or 150. Those with ADHD need a lot of structure, discipline and support (though they need to *care* first and realise they have a problem), sometimes throughout life. They need to be explicitly taught routines that they can stick to.
    Have you successfully gotten your son to move out yet? If not, I was wondering if he could apply for student accomodation instead and give you the peace and quiet you've been wanting so badly (although I understand it's probably mid-semester and it might be hard applying). Student accomodation is living away from home, yet with support structures that will hopefully help him gradually step into a fully functioning independent living situation. If he's in college, he has the additional privilege of having campus counselling, if he's willing to go to a counselling session.

    Your son does sound way better than I was at 21, being able to hold down a part time job while studying. When I was that age, I was so overwhelmed by schoolwork that I could barely function, or leave the house, let alone hold down a part time job. In my case though, I was the one who took the initiative to look into resources, counselling, therapy that would help me help myself. I'm a few years older now and in a much better place emotionally, and in terms of my perspective on life and what really matters during our short time on this earth. I'm much more others-centered, less in my own little bubble-- but I still struggle very hard to be 'functional'; I'm lucky in that I live in a society where multi-generational living throughout adulthood is the norm, rather than the exception... I'm not 'there' yet, but who ever is? The important thing is we try, and keep trying. I truly hope that your son will one day find that 'place'. Sometimes it just takes longer for it to 'click' in what you guys call difficult children, but one day I think he will truly thank you for all you did for him as a mother. Hope it all works out for you and you finally get some peace and quiet!

  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am "Parent Emeritus" mom, which means I've had a difficult child who turned 18. Are you SURE, POSITIVE that your son is not on recreational drugs? If so...has he always been kind of computer obsessed? Does he have trouble relating to his same age peers? I am thinking he sounds a lot Aspergers, like my now eighteen year old son. These kids do tend to get obsessed with computers and the games more than other kids and don't have a variety of interests and are just "different." Maybe the ADHD diagnosis. was wrong?

    BUT...you need to be totally honest with yourself about the possibility of drug use too. That's always a possible big issue with difficult children 18 and over.

    As for not moving out, it's up to you. It's your house and he is of age. If you want him to move out, set a date and help him pack. He is old enough.
  15. crazyqueen

    crazyqueen New Member

    I can relate to this because I, too, have a boy who just turned 21 and won't move out. He sits on World of Warcraft all day, stays up all night and I am lucky if he gets up by noon. He has no goals in life. He only recently got his GED and permit to drive. If I took the computer from him, I think he wouldn't know what to do but ball up in a corner and cry because real life would be too tough for him to handle. I don't quite know where it went wrong. His two brothers both work and are going to school. I have gotten to the point where I am filling out job applications for him because I don't trust that he is doing it on his own. He snaps at me every time I try to talk to him and it puts me in a bad mood. It is like pulling teeth trying to get him to talk to me about anything. I am tired of enabling him to sit at home all day and do nothing but put me in a bad mood. I will be giving him until the end of summer to at least have a job and some kind of outside life or he will have to get out. If he at least has a job, he will be more productive in his life than he is now. It's like he is 13 trapped in a 21 year old body and I curse EVER getting him a computer. Please let me know how it goes with your son. I am past the point of fed up. I feel like a hostage.
  16. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Hi Crazyqueen and welcome!

    You may want to start your own thread on Parent Emeritus or even Substance abuse (it sounds like he has behavioural addiction to gaming. That is not uncommon nowadays and WoW is probably worst culprit.) forum. People may not notice your post from old thread like this.

    I'm sorry you have so much troubles with your son. Your situation sounds difficult and it really is possible he is not at this moment too able to survive in real world. Gaming addiction can be very crippling. Also the sleep pattern your son has is very typical for that and makes things harder. Like with any other addiction it is very difficult to help if he is not willing to admit his addiction and how it effects his life.

    I really don't know if taking his computer away or kicking him out would be any answer to anything. Maybe you could consult some therapist specialised to behavioural addictions? Trust me, your son is not only one with this very same issue.