21 yr old Daughter taking Klonopin and drinking Alcohol

[ZXC123]

My 21 yr old Daughter is taking Klonopin and drinking Alcohol. She was partying daily in the spring while away at college at NYC. Drinking heavily. Her brother and her boyfriends mother came to me and said she has a drug problem and needs to come home. We find out she got a tatoo of a gun pointing at her left ear, which is very sad to me. We got her home and confronted her and got her to agree to go to therapy. Therapist thought she was depressed and had her go to PCP instead of Psychiatrist for medications for depression. Doctors appointment ends up being with a Physician Assistant who prescribes Celexa, Hydroxizine for sleep, and hands her Klonopin samples for sleep. Daughter's therapist wants to meet with her father and I, and ends up confronting us for being overbearing and controlling parents who have to realize she is 21 yrs old and can do what she wants. We tell therapist she has been lying, stealing, abusing alcohol, and several people tell us abusing drugs, specifically cocaine. Tell therapist daughter was suppose to get a job for the summer, this has not happened. Daughter comes home, sleeps all day, stays up all night on twitter. Lives like a pig, and wants car and money from parents. She has speeding ticket cout date and fine of $280, lost her phone and her license again for the 10th time, and wants us to pay. The family has all confronted her, she hates us all. She has got good grades in school, but has dropped a few classes and this year has to make up those classes and her course load will be high.
Daughter would tell me she was feeling anxious and took Klonopin then I noticed beer bottles in her room. I stressed to her she cannot drink and take this medication. She said ok didnt htink is was a big deal. Then less than a week later she takes 2mg Klonopin at night (suppose to take only 0.25mg) and drinks beers. I confront her and she is furious I saw the opened pill packages and empty beer bottles and call me crazy, I scare her, and she has to get out of the house, and go to NYC. So old boyfriend pays for her bus ticket, but she needs a ride to the station. I tell her I will take her if she leaves the Klonopin at home, she refuses and takes the car keys. I have to pick up the phone and start dialing police and she gives me back the car keys. Finally she gives me the pills, I drive her bus station. I am crying the whole ride. She has no response. She emails me she is going tell her Therapist I bribed her and took her pills which may be against the law. I din't respond to her email.
Her father and I feel like we are held hostage, I don't want to push her away for ever, I want her to change her behavior. She can keep it together for 2 -3 days then she acts terrible, messes up, makes poor decisions. This has been ongoing for several years. I am exhusted and now her life is at risk. I feel she is at a crossroads in her life. I would appreciate any words of advice.

 

[Methuselah]

Hi Z. I'm so sorry you are going through this. As a parent of two difficult children, I have learned you must document EVERYTHING. Every conversation, transaction, etc. If you can lay out the facts clearly and chronologically, it is harder for easily swayed therapists and others to be conned or have knee jerk reactions.

Also, I would take her to a different therapist, if she would go. There are a plethora of other doctors out there.

Your daughter is 21, an adult, so you are limited in what you can do. I know you want to save her, but until she sees there is a problem, you'll continue to slam hard into the wall over and over again. :-(


Again, I am so sorry you are living this nightmare.

 

[ZXC123]

Thank you for your thoughts, I think a different therapist would be great. I don't know how to do that, my daughter likes this therapist. I am going to talk therapist hopefully today.

 

[Signorina]

ZX - I want you to know that I think you are a good mom who is doing the right thing by telling her to leave. I know how hard it is especially when all you want to do is take them in your arms and FIX them. You want them to get help and you make plans to surround them with love and support while they get themselves back together. It's unfathomable that they do not want that for themselves. And that's where you find your own crossroads -- you have to draw a line in the sand. And you did. And I know how difficult it is to do that. Standing by her,giving her a home, monitoring her therapy and her medications was not helping her get better and may have been enabling her to get worse. So you have to try something else. At the very least, you get to choose not to be a first hand witness to her self destruction. I get it. I am so sorry for the pain it is causing you. {{{hugs}}}

 

[Signorina]

Daughter's therapist wants to meet with her father and I, and ends up confronting us for being overbearing and controlling parents who have to realize she is 21 yrs old and can do what she wants..[/COLOR].

Sorry to reply twice, but I have to comment on your words. I too have been accused of such - not my my son's therapist - but by his school, his girlfriend & her parents and by my son himself. I hate it. I hate the implication that a parent - a GOOD parent - who has loved and cared for this person all of their lives suddenly is accused of morphing into an uber controlling, empty nest cliche who just wants to control their "adult" child. As if we aren't the people who love them the most and have nurtured them all of their lives and know them the best! And it really bothers me when our "adult" kids are exhibiting valid, multiple, non-benign warning signs that their lives are going off track. I struggle with this a lot. And I feel your pain.

 

[ZXC123]

Hi Signorina,
Thanks for your words, eactly how I feel too. Really shocking to see how easy the Therapist has been manipulated, Therapist wont talk with me reagarding her recent risky drug and alcohol intake. What system, should be able to all work together to help my daughter become healthy, instead all these barriers in the name of privacy enable my daughter. It is very frustrating. I am thinking of going back to church, I need some comfort.

 

[Nancy]

Hi ZX and welcome to our forum. Your daughter has a drug/alcohol problem. When other people come and tell you that she has a problem it really has escalated out of control. The therapist who told you that you were overbearing and your daughter can do as she likes should not be a therapist. You came to her and told her that your daughter has drug problems and this is her response? I have had therapists over the years that I have stopped having my difficult child go to because they just didn't get it. I have to tell you that the more therapists I meet, the more I am convinced that they have no business counseling people. There are very few therapists I have found that were any help with our daughter at all.

Your daughter needs drug/alcohol treatment, not some drug for depression that she can abuse with alcohol. You have more leverage than you think even though she is 21. Are you paying her college tuition? She is still living in your home on school breaks I assume. Many of us here have had to draw the line in the sand and tell our difficult child's that they can no longer live here unless they agree to treatment. You can also stop paying her college tuition until she gets treatment. Are you and your husband ready to push that issue? We had to kick our daughter out of our home at age 19 because she was abusing drugs and alcohol. She ended up in a drug treatment program, several in fact, and lived in two sober houses but has now relapsed and since turning 21 says she is having the time of her life. In the meantime she is broke, has gotten fired from several jobs, stole money from her employer, owes many people money, became pregnant, had an abortion, been in the ER with sexually transmitted diseases and had her utilities shut off. But she still says she loves being 21. She went from our very stable nice home in a lovely community to just about living in her car which will break down any day now.

My suggestion is to start checking out residential drug treatment centers so that you have done your research and know how you are going to fund it, and then decide if you are willing to pull her bottom up and force her to get help.

This is so very difficult for a parent. We nurture and love and support our kids all through their life and then we have to sometimes pull the rug out and tell them they can no longer stay here unless they get help. Alcohol/drug addiction is a horrible disease and it doesn't get better on it's own. So many parents in the parents support groups I belong to say the same thing, their bright wonderful child went to college and came back a drug addict. I'm very sorry you are dealing with this. Is your husband on board with how serious this is?

Nancy

 

[1905]

I want to say some things, I don't have time at the moment, but TAKE AWAY THE KOLONOPIN if you see it. That can accidently kill her when mixed with alcohol. Don't pay for her tickets, it will get worse before it gets better once you start standing up to her. You run the show. There is a new sheriff in town right now, YOU. You don't take this from her and she'll leave, you'll make her- she will need these drastic measures in order for you to help her or her to help herself once she sees mommy isn't playing this game. This is how you can help. Be tough on her, she really needs it. It hurts, I don't say any of this lightly, I feel your heavy heart. I was there. You are human (((((HUGS))))). You may have to push her away, she sees how it affects you and plays on that. Have some mantras ready when she calls- my favorite is this "You are a smart girl, I'm sure you'll figure something out"

 

[DDD]

Sending supportive hugs your way. I agree with "the family". Have to add,lol, that IF I were your daughter I would like that Therapist too. Good Grief! DDD

 

[AmericanGirl]

Lots of great advice here. I don't have much to add but one personal experience. A psy doctor gave me a small amount of klonopin several years ago due to my anxieties. I took it for a few months and as it wasn't helping told him I want to get off it. He said I had to wean myself slowly off. I followed his guidance and am now left with permanent ringing in my ears...every single second of every moment.

That stuff scares me more than any drug I have ever taken.